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Sexolve 72: ‘My Wife Is Not Interested In Having Sex’

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space. Hit us up with any doubts on love, sex and relationships.

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Let's talk sex
6 min read
Sometimes, we find most solutions in life by just having an open-hearted discussion. (Photo: iStock)

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on The Quint.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationships, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.

This week’s Q&As below:

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My Wife Is Not Interested In Sex

Dear RainbowMan,

Greetings for the day.

I am a 32-year-old man from Chennai working in a PSU and got married in the year of 2012. I am blessed with a son and now my son is three years old. After becoming a father, when I approached my wife for sex she is totally not interested in it. Also, I have tried to convince her to have sex at least once in a week. But, she declined the offer.

I request you to kindly give me some solutions. Are there any medicines to kill my sexual desire or any other type of solution because I am totally frustrated about my desire for sex. It kills me daily.

Waiting for your kind response at the earliest with suitable suggestion for me.

Senthil, Chennai

Sometimes, we find most solutions in life by just having an open-hearted discussion. (Photo: iStock)
Sometimes, we find most solutions in life by just having an open-hearted discussion. (Photo: iStock)

Dear Senthil,

Thank you for sharing with me. I understand your desires and your want to make love to your wife. However, we need to understand that sex is a two-way thing. We need to realise and respect the desires of our spouses – irrespective of sexuality or gender.

If you are certain her interest has depleted post pregnancy, did you check with her if she fears that she would get pregnant again? If that’s the case, use condoms and explain to her about condoms. If you think she is not happy with certain sexual acts, avoid those specific sexual acts with her.

The one thing you should do is have a discussion with her, an open discussion on what she likes, dislikes and how both of you can spice up your sex life. Sometimes, we find most solutions in life by just having an open-hearted discussion.

In your conversation with her, ensure that you don’t make it about your needs but about the togetherness and love you share.

To answer the second part of your question – well, I am not qualified to prescribe medicines for decreasing your libido, and I can also not comment on if that is the solution to the challenge you are facing. I guess you should not rely on online responses for this one. I would highly recommend that your partner and you visit a sexologist or a relationship counsellor. You may discover that by simply talking to a counsellor you are able to find easy workable solutions.

Regards,

RainbowMan

My Date Ridiculed Me For The Size of My Penis

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 19-year-old gay man, originally from India, now settled in the US. I have a peculiar problem that I seek advice for.

I have a very small penis. A month back, when I hooked up with a stranger here in DC, my date started laughing the moment I removed my underpants and ridiculed me for the size of my penis. When we had sex, he said “I can’t figure if it is in, it’s so tiny, your wee-wee”. This is not the first time that I have been the butt of jokes for the size of my penis. I try to put up a brave face all the time.

However, this date, I met a month back, is someone I am interested in pursuing. It is getting way too difficult for me to reconcile and be content with the size of my penis. The other day I tried stretching my penis and it felt like my flesh is going to be pulled out of my body. Will that increase the size? What can I do to increase my penis size? Will I die single? Will my date not pursue me further because of my penis size?

Little Big Worry, Washington DC, USA

You don’t need people in your life who measure love with the length of your penis.
You don’t need people in your life who measure love with the length of your penis.
(Photo: iStock)

Dear Little Big Worry,

Thank you for sharing with me. I understand that the world is obsessed with everything big. But IMHO a, the amount of pleasure is not always directly proportional to penile length. And also, bang bang, is so vanilla. There are many things like mutual masturbation, oral sex and other sexual positions that could be mutually explored.

On an entirely different note, do you really wish to pursue someone who humiliates you in bed?

There are certain bed-etiquettes that one needs to follow. Insulting someone who you are having sex with is the worst kind of bad behaviour. It just shows how much a person can stoop to.

Please stop pulling your penis expecting that it will magically increase in size. It could lead to complications.

You don’t need people in your life who measure love with the length of your penis. You should rather look out for people who love you unconditionally. And you will find that someone when you find yourself content with your life. You need well meaning friends around you. You need a counsellor who you could pour your heart to.

Of course, continue writing to me, I will be all ears and eyes, but I also suggest that you seek the services of a psychotherapist. There are many LGBT rights organisations in DC, kindly connect with one of them that offer free services or counselling services at special subsidised rates.

Hugs,

RainbowMan

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I Am In A Troubled Marriage Since The Past Decade

Dear RainbowMan,

I am in a troubled marriage since the past decade. Last week, my husband beat me so hard that I was profusely bleeding and had to be rushed to the hospital. Instead of offering help, my relatives blamed me for putting up with him for a decade. I also have a child and though the child has never been beaten by my husband, I fear for him. I wish to take action against my husband. How do I start. Divorce? I have no finances, how do I proceed?

She, Mumbai

It is good to not be in a marriage than being in an abusive one.
It is good to not be in a marriage than being in an abusive one.
(Photo: iStock)

Dear She,

I’m so glad that you spoke up. I know this would be a challenging moment for you with a thousand thoughts running in your head. But believe me, it is good to not be in a marriage than being in an abusive one.

Don’t worry about the fact that you are speaking up late, the fact that you are speaking up now and standing up for yourself, should be a reason enough to champion. Don’t let naysayers affect you. They are called naysayers for a reason.

Please get in touch with Majlis, an organisation known for providing legal support of women in distress. They are based in Kalina, Mumbai. You can get more details about them here www.majlislaw.com

Good luck and do pursue it further.

Regards,

RainbowMan

(The copy of the text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the person. You can send in your questions to sexolve@thequint.com)

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)

(Breathe In, Breathe Out: Are you finding it tough to breathe polluted air? Join hands with FIT in partnership with #MyRightToBreathe to find a solution to pollution. Send in your suggestions to fit@thequint.com or WhatsApp @ +919999008335)

(Subscribe to FIT on Telegram)

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