Sexolve 135: ‘I Think I’m Addicted to Masturbation, What Do I Do?’
“My husband is abusively possessive of me.”
“My husband is abusively possessive of me.”(Photo: iStock)

Sexolve 135: ‘I Think I’m Addicted to Masturbation, What Do I Do?’

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.

This week’s Q&As below:

‘My Husband Is Very Possessive’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 32-year-old Indian gay man. I have been living under a rock for so many years. Like, literally. My husband (we got married in the US) doesn’t allow me to speak to anybody. He doubts me. I am educated, I had a well-paying job, but I took a break for our wedding, and post that things have changed.  When we were boyfriends, he used to be possessive, but not obsessively possessive. Now he is obsessed with me and the idea of me. Last week he slapped me when he saw me speaking to one of his friends. I have not rejoined work, because he thinks that I would start dating someone else.  My phonebook has been cleansed of all gay contacts. I was no social butterfly, but I did have my circle of close friends, today I have none. This loneliness is eating me up. I really love him. I am also going to delete this mail from the sent items. I don’t know… but he may just flare up if he knows I wrote to you.  I wonder why he is behaving like this with me?

Gay-In-Pain

(Photo: iStock)

Dear Guy-In-Pain,

Thanks for mustering the courage to speak up. Thank you for having trust in me. It takes courage to realise and put in words the fact that our partners are doing us wrong. Love is often mistaken as possession.

Isn’t love the most liberating feeling? How can one be liberated when you are chained – literally or metaphorically.  Isn’t that an oxymoron?

I know you would have had a lava of anger and angst within you. It finally found a vent through this email. It may leave you a little shocked and a little confused, but do not let this make you question your decision of speaking up. You did the right thing. You are speaking to me and I hope that this is the beginning of a cathartic journey for you – where you speak up to other near and dear people too.

I do not want to assume that your husband is a bad person or anything like that. However, it is not the right thing that he is doing by forcing you in a corner because of the doubts that cloud his mind. I don’t believe in giving up on people without trying to mend them when they go awry. He is clearly going overboard with his love for you. He is trying to govern your life.  He needs to be told off.

Love is a possession, however, love can never be possessed.

Glad you see the telling signs of a relationship going sour. I am certain that by timely intervention, we can attempt to salvage the relationship and more importantly, save your partner from further deterioration.

Here are four things I want you to do.

  • Find yourself some support – a friend, a counsellor, a parent?
  • Sit your husband down and tell him with zero emotion but with 100 percent confidence that you do not appreciate him behaving with him in this way. Be curt and direct.
  • If he agrees (which I hope he does), get him to a counsellor.
  • If he disagrees and behaves rudely/violently, kindly walk out.

Life is too short to live like a compromise. You don’t deserve to be treated like dirt. We have a love only when there is respect. Love without respect is like a bird without wings. When you try to possess love, you only strangulate love.

Do not put up with any disrespect or abuse that’s physical or even mental. Stand up and speak up.

Love,
RainbowMan

PS: Love heals. If it doesn’t, save yourself from it.

‘I am Obsessed With Masturbation’

Dear RainbowMan.

I am a 35-year-old guy and am married to a woman for 3 years now. I will start from the beginning. I had started masturbation at very young age of 16 before that I was completely fit and fine. After few years, I was struck by lower back pain and slowly it's got severe than before. I continued masturbating 3 times a week minimum some time it can go to 6 times also. After that, I have started feeling unhealthy and getting tired occasionally whenever I do it. Then I got to know that this could be because of my habit of masturbating but I wasn't able to leave it as I was addicted to it. Watching porn every alternate day and masturbating night long was my habit. After these horrible 10 years, I got married at 28 to a 19-year-old girl. More problems started now, in the beginning of my married life things were going fine because my partner wasn't aware of my pains and of the fact that I am unhealthy. Slowly, she noticed that I’m getting tired and unable to have sex for long time. Premature ejaculation has started, I used to cum within 2 to 3 minutes of sex, and sometimes within the first minute itself. My body hurts because of masturbation.  Still I’m unable to leave my habit of masturbating. Whenever my wife goes to her mom I do it regularly. This is also affecting my work. Please help me out with this horrible life and please suggest me what to do.

Distressed Male

Dear Distressed Male,

Thank you for your mail. At the outset, I would like to share that I am not a professional doctor and anything that has bodily discomfort attached as symptoms need to be ideally checked by a qualified doctor.

However, I can definitely tell you that although masturbation is harmless, the truth is that one should still masturbate only when sexually excited and not form a habit of it. Constantly grinding your penis with the hand, sitting in a certain position, exerting your body, can definitely have some effect on your body. And more so, if you do it again and again.

Masturbation is good. But do better things like exercising. One should exercise moderation in everything. Including masturbation.

I have heard and experienced that the exercise of retracting yourself when you are at the brink of an orgasm and then starting over again, could help with better mind control. However, I am no expert, these are matters that need to be checked by a good doctor. Kindly book yourself an appointment.

Your wife is many things more than being your sexual partner. Spend more time with her. Tell her your challenges. She has the right to know what you are thinking,  because at no point should she feel that she is inadequate or anything remotely close to that.

Smiles
RainbowMan

PS: Mild strokes. And fewer strokes.

‘Will I be Judged for Wanting Sex Without a Relationship?’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 39-year-old woman and I have had no sex till date. The closest I got to sex was when one of my classmates in college decided to kiss me as a part of truth and dare. I have found someone who is cute. He has proposed to me. I want to break my virginity with him but I have no intentions of falling in love with him. I don’t want to come across as a loose woman. He seems to be in love with me though. How do I proceed? I don’t want his life to be screwed up. What do I do?

Sweety

(Photo: iStock)

Dear Sweety,

It is okay to be single. It is okay to want to have sex. It is okay to have sex without a relationship or any commitment.

It is okay to tell a person that you are not looking for any commitment right at the beginning so that the ground rules are set.

I think he should judge you in a good way for being frank than look at you with disdain for being honest.

Just that, I have a different philosophy when it comes to love. I don’t think love is something you can plan – it just happens. And love is a magical feeling. I hope it happens to you soon too. If not this guy then someone else, but wish you the best always.

Regards
RainbowMan

PS: If I was in your place Id have insisted in a condom. Especially if it is a no-strings-attached encounter.

(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to sexolve@thequint.com.)

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)

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