Sexolve 97: ‘My Boyfriend Doesn’t Want Anal Sex. Is He Even Gay?’

Have any doubts about love, relationships or sex? FIT columnist Harish Iyer, an equal rights activist, answers them.

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

‘I Have a Crush On My Brother-In-Law’

Dear Rainbow Man,

I am a 30-year-old woman. I have been married for the past 5 years. I was with my husband for four years before that. His job takes him away from home for long periods of time. In this interim, my husband’s younger brother has been staying with me. He is 28 and a charming young man. It is true that I miss my husband’s touch a little too much. One day, while I was changing my clothes, my brother-in-law walked in. He saw me naked and moved out of the room at that very moment. Post that, I have been fantasising about him. I have hugged him a couple of times and put his head on my chest while doing so. I feel absolutely delighted and excited. Last night, he touched my chest on his own and I didn’t stop him. I am wondering what is happening with me. Am I too wrong?

Sweety

Dear Sweety,

Thank you for sharing this important part of your life with me. I understand the pain of distance. It can be a real bane. But I want you to realise what you signed up for. You signed up for a life with this man as his wife and for making him your husband. It was a conscious decision you took keeping in mind the fact that you dated him for four years before you married.

I don’t judge people in the scale of wrong and right. There are different arrangements that individuals make at different times of their lives on the basis of their understanding of the terms of the relationship, which the couple or more people in it mutually agree on. What could be incorrect is stepping over what has been agreed upon.

I make an assumption that your husband did not sign up for a three-way relationship. I therefore feel that he has not been given his due respect in the relationship. He must have not imagined you having a sexual relationship with his brother. This makes things a little awkward.

You have got to decide what’s more important for you – keeping your relationship with your husband free of awkwardness or this sexual relationship with his brother. And when I tell you this, I am not trying to be moralistic. I am merely trying to sound as just as I can.

Do not invite bigger emotional trouble on yourself. A little self control could save you from that.

‘My Gay Boyfriend Doesn’t Believe in Anal Sex’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a gay man of 36 and I have been in a relationship for the past 3 years. My boyfriend is a gem of a person. He takes me out on long drives. We enjoy great conversations. And we enjoy spending time with our college friends. (We were in the same class in college). Everything is good on the love and romance front. However, when it comes to sex, he does not believe in having anal sex. I have tried talking to him about it and have also assured him that I will go really slow on him as we have anal sex. He, however, hasn’t consented to it. I wonder how he could actually be a homosexual and not believe in anal sex. Is he straight?

Twisted

Dear Twisted,

It is not necessary that your partner says yes to anal sex for him to be gay. He is gay because he says so. No one else will be able to determine his sexuality or your sexuality other than the person themselves.

Many gay men do not believe in anal sex. They just don’t like it even if they have not experimented with it. Anal sex doesn’t determine homosexuality. Feeling of love towards a same sex partner and even the need to physically or sexually connect could be an indicator of sexuality.

My suggestion to you is simple. Not all of the world is fortunate in getting someone who loves them as much as sunflowers love the sun. Don’t lose it for some silly anal fixation.

Smiles
Rainbow Man

‘I Am Having Pain in My Testicles’

Dear Rainbow Man,

I am a 27-year-old man. I have been experiencing pain in my testicles for the past one month. It is also growing in two different dimensions and it is aching badly. I am thinking of seeing a doctor. But I wonder if I should?

Pain Point

Darling,

I am not a doctor. And I would anyway suggest that you quickly see a doctor at the soonest. Let the doctor examine your testicles and suggest a course of action.

Pain in the testicles could mean something or it could mean nothing. Let the experts do the examination please.

I really was wondering why you are wasting so much time thinking. Are you waiting for summer or monsoon or Christmas? Just go and get yourself an appointment with the doctor.

GO PICK UP THE PHONE RIGHT NOW. Appointment fix karo, turant.

Regards
RainbowMan

(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to [e-mail])

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)