Sexolve 87: ‘I Have a Wild Fantasy, My Boyfriend Doesn’t Consent’
Do you have any dobuts or problems regarding sex or relationships? Write in to equal rights activist Harish Iyer.
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to email@example.com.
This week’s Q&As below:
‘My Boyfriend Compares Me With Others While Having Sex’
My boyfriend is an eye candy. With perfect muscles, the perfect body and booty to match, we always knew that he would get laid more often, so we agreed for an open relationship. However, he is more busy with others than me, and he recently told me while we were “at it” that he enjoyed sex with his f!ck buddy more than me. I feel insulted and angry but I love him too much. What do I do?
Listen, and listen carefully.
No one has the right to ill-treat you, belittle you or shame you by comparing you with another. I hope you realise that your boyfriend is doing just that.
Whether it is in the paradigm of sexual compatibility or body type or salary comparisons, you should not take any of these bullying tactics lying down. Stand up against it RIGHT NOW. Tell your boyfriend that you do not appreciate being compared to someone else and definitely not in bed while having sex.
And tell me, who told you that good looking people are not capable of monogamous relationships? It is okay if you both decide to keep your relationship open. I am not moralistic about it. However, do remember that it can’t just be you discounting his behaviour on the basis of how good he looks or how beautiful his booty is. That’s not a valid enough reasoning.
The worst is when someone insults when they are in their most vulnerable naked self. That’s when the person deserves utmost respect.
An open relationship should be open from both ends, not just one. The respect for one’s looks and one’s body should be from both ends, not just one.
So, let your boyfriend get one thing straight – you will not cow down to his insults but stand up to it. If this relationship has to continue, respect has to be restored.
‘I Suspect My Husband Is Gay’
I have been married for the past 20 years and I work with a multinational company at a senior post. It was an arranged marriage and I never really thought I was compatible with my husband. I still went ahead with this relationship because I did not want to go against my parents. My husband has never been interested in having sex with me. In fact, I spent my first night just sleeping and thinking that my husband is kind and is giving me time.
Over time, he never cuddled me and he would get irritated every time I even got close to him. I felt ugly and undesirable and blamed myself. People blamed me for being infertile. Third year into our marriage when people started enquiring about “kids” and asked him to get checked as well, he forced himself on me. It was one of the most non-sexual, mechanical and painful memories that I have. It was almost like rape.
I got pregnant, and we never had sex again for the rest of our lives and no physical intimacy either. My son is 18 now. And my son caught his father kissing another man on his cheeks once and mentioned it casually to me when we – mom and son – were discussing about bromance. I have been thinking that my husband is gay ever since. I wonder how I should broach this topic with him. And should I at all? Will it infringe on his personal life? I have a lot of questions in my head. Hope you can answer them.
Dear Unhappily Married,
What are you made of? I mean, you have immense amount of patience and enormous amount of love and forgiveness. People around you need to realise that and your husband should be grateful for you.
I had a chill running down my spine when I read that the very first time that you had sex with your husband it was with no love at all. And that it was the only time you guys had any sexual contact, shocks me.
It is not that married people have a lot of sex all the time, but they do enough in 20 years, at least definitely more than just once.
I am grateful to you for your sanity and willingness to understand your partner’s privacy and respect his space – but you know what, respect is a two-way street. I wish he also had the same amount of respect for your body and your desires. I wish he had an iota of the empathy you shower on him.
I don’t want to start assuming what your husband’s sexuality is on the basis of his kissing encounter. He could be gay, he could be bi, he could be straight engaging in some bromance, or he could be anything over and above the three possibilities. But one thing I can tell you for sure.
Gay or straight or bisexual or transgender, no one has the right to treat another individual with disrespect and hate. And most certainly not when your relationship is bound by the partnership of marriage.
You have given him enough chances. Time that you give your life a chance now.
Stand up for yourself, because if you won’t, no one else will.
Stand up for yourself because your primary responsibility is towards yourself.
Stand up for youself because you don’t just need to, but because you deserve a life of respect too.
Stand up for yourself, and count me in, standing up with you. But remember you don’t need me or any man or any woman or any other person, you need to stand up for yourself first. You by yourself are a force.
‘I Have a Wild Fantasy, My Boyfriend Doesn’t Consent’
I am a 24-year-old man and have been in a relationship for the past 3 years with another man. We have been having sex regularly and have experimented with many things. I have this fantasy of having sex when we pee, but my boyfriend doesn’t agree to it and thinks it is yucky. How can I convince him?
Any partnership has to have agreement of all persons in the relationship. You cannot force your partner to like something he does not. By your own confession, you have had several other explorations in sex, so don’t stress upon not having just one such fantasy unfulfilled.
Some people would rather be pissed off than be pissed on.
Let’s let them be.
(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)
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