Sexolve 132: ‘I Suffer from Premature Ejaculation, What to Do?’
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to email@example.com.
This week’s Q&As below:
‘My Husband Is Gay. How Can I Accept Him?’
I am a very confused 32-year-old woman. My husband is 38 and he just confessed to me that he is gay. I mean, he didn’t confess- I found out. Let me explain. He was very angry at all gay people all the time. On 6 September, when the section 377 verdict was out, he threw the remote in anger. I could sense that he is homophobic beyond reasoning. I have a lot of gay friends and I found it extremely insulting that my own husband is behaving like this. When I asked him if he had a bad experience with any homosexual, he threw a fit and hysterically threw his wrist watch on my face.
When finally the dust settled after all the drama, he apologised profusely. I don’t know what got on to me, I asked him, “Are you gay?”. He said “yes”. I had read a lot about internalised homophobia. That is what prompted me to ask him what I did. My husband is perfectly straight to look at. He doesn’t have any gay characteristics so no one could have guessed. I am glad I asked him.
However, I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. My husband cried and pleaded to me to stay, I left him. I feel guilty and angry. I also feel cheated. Am I a bad human being that I am not accepting him the way I accept other gay friends of mine? How dare he lie to me?
Dear Confused Woman,
Thank you for your understanding and your empathy. Even in this mail that you have sent me, you have taken efforts to ensure that you understand your husband and his mindset. You are an incredible person, do not let anyone tell you anything else.
Let’s get one thing straight. Homosexuality is in nature. Homosexuality is nature. We need to accept it. But that is not a licence for someone to jeopardise the life of another human being. Homosexual men cant stand up for themselves because of societal prejudice – I can relate and understand.
Look at it this way-even from an empathetic lens, you are not doing any good for your husband by staying with him. You are helping him lie. And a bed of lies is a bed of thorns.
I understand that you feel cheated and angry. And you have been cheated, you have every reason to be angry. However, anger is not a productive outcome of anything. Empathy definitely is.
You need to reiterate that you were offended and now he would have to fend for himself in terms of finding an emotional anchor.
He can be a friend, if ‘you’ wish to remain friends. But it is best to settle for nothing that binds you together with threads of “compromise”.
He took you through this relationship with dishonesty. Now it is important that you embrace the truth. The truth of his sexuality. I firmly believe that nothing comes out of hatred but disease and destruction to the mind of the one who hates. So while you would want to ensure that he doesn’t marry again and spoil another’s life, you should also not get into a mode of trying to expose him. Especially when we are angry and upset, it is important that we work towards not becoming what we dread.
Truth liberates. Let it liberate you. Free yourself from this relationship. See it in a new light.
The burden of this truth is not on you.
PS: Love yourself. I love you.
‘I Am Unable to Satisfy My Wife Because of Premature Ejaculation’
I’m a 42-year-old man and my wife is 35. I was around seventeen when I got into the habit of masturbation. I don’t know how, but being from conservative family made it even more worse. I don’t know I landed up in such a situation. But now, I am suffering from erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation along with anxiety . A couple of years back, I took unani medication but that did not help. After that, I consulted a urology doctor who gave me medicines but that didn’t help either.
Currently, I am undergoing treatment by a sexologist who has prescribed me medicines.
Need your suggestion on what I should do next.
This is mental harassment and I am sure people like you must be thinking I am a conman. With so many years into masturbation, having a baby itself was a challenge. Somehow, we managed to have a child. But when it comes to sex, my wife is still unsatisfied. She is trustworthy and loveable but I don’t know how far that will go. I am worried for her. When we have sex and I copulate with her, I ejaculate within seconds which is embarrassing, but she doesn’t say anything.
I need your guidance. What should be done now?
Dear Worried Man,
Thank you for sharing your intimate details with me. It would have taken you some courage to acknowledge that you are facing a challenge and even more courage to share it with a stranger. I acknowledge that and thank you for your trust.
For any kind of physiological challenges that you may face, it is important that you are extremely truthful with your sexologist. Also, do not hesitate to take the second opinion if you are dissatisfied with the results of your doctor.
Premature Ejaculation and Erectile dysfunction are more common than what one would imagine.
Give yourself some free space to go on a vacation. Go along with your partner. A change of space and location may add spice and excitement to your life.
Medical challenges and bodily processes take time to resolve. Give it time. Don’t hurry up. Be patient with yourself. Love yourself more. Erectile Dysfunction and Premature Ejaculation don’t define the person that you are.
Your email tells me that you are kind and considerate person who cares about your partner’s satisfaction in sex as much as yours. Give yourself credit for kindness.
Darling, love and kindness is everything when you are in love or when you are making love.
I would suggest that you speak to your partner. Tell her that you are unable to have prolonged erections and come too early. Tell her you are seeking professional medical help and tell her that her satisfaction matters to you.
Sometimes the solutions to the biggest problems in the world could be found by simply sharing the problems.
PS: It gets better, with love.
‘I Am a Single and Lonely Lesbian’
I am a 34-year-old lesbian. I am single and lonely. Is there a way that I could connect with lesbians in the city? Do we have dating apps for lesbians? The only lesbian I know personally is my reflection in the mirror.
Dear Depressed Les,
There is a thriving Lesbian Bisexual Transgender community in India. Apps like Tinder have tapped into this market and have provided dating opportunities for all genders and sexualities. So you could explore tinder if you please, just mention that you are a woman looking for a woman.
Secondly, I suggest that you write to firstname.lastname@example.org to get in touch with GaysiFamily, a group by women for all genders. They have some fantastic events in Mumbai and Delhi and you could join them for their meet ups and stuff to meet some really cool people.
Also there is Umang a group headed by The Humsafar Trust which has regular events in Mumbai. You will get more information about them here: https://humsafar.org/umang/
Once you meet them, you will find more groups that you can meet.
PS: Wish you find your love soon.
(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to email@example.com.)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)