Sexolve 161: ‘I Proposed to a Girl, but She Thinks I’m a Casanova’

Leaving is loving too. The end of love, is love too, says Harish Iyer in this week’s Sexolve.

Published14 Jul 2019, 02:41 AM IST
5 min read

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to

This week’s Q&A is below:

‘My Wife Wants to Take Away My Property’

“My wife wants to take away my property. She is having an affair with someone.”
“My wife wants to take away my property. She is having an affair with someone.”
(Photo: iStockphoto)

Dear RainbowMan,

Please help me. I am in a major problem. My wife wants to take away my property. She is having an affair with someone, and wants to use some reason to get money out of me. I feel like committing suicide. I think that is the only thing I should do when I am anyways of no use to anyone. I feel like a piece of shit where people just use me and throw me. I have loved her so much. I love her all the time. I thought of her all the time. And she used me and threw me away. She told me that she would file a case against me if I do not give her one of my two properties. She said she will file a case against my mother as well. I am fed up. I am tired. I have done nothing wrong. I should die? I should die. Why am I asking, I should be telling you. I SHOULD DIE. Thank you for listening. I felt nice sharing with you, but I know that you are a feminist and you would not stand by me. I am all alone. I just felt like sharing with you anyways.

Thanks for reading. You can choose to ignore. I will not feel bad. I have made it a habit of being rejected.

Depressed Young Husband

Dear Depressed Young Husband,

Thank you for sharing with me. Thank you for investing your trust in me. I am grateful.

I know that there are times when life knocks us down. At those moments, everything would seem going wrong. I may not exactly be able to feel what you are feeling, but I can tell you definitely that I know how it feels like to be hurt, to be broken, to be cheated by someone who is your soulmate – it is all a familiar junction. It is all a familiar space.

Feminism is not about the assumption that women can do no wrong, feminism is daring to re-imagine a world where all genders have equal standing.

I am sorry for what you are going through. I want you to seriously think about what you want your relationship to be. You need a lawyer. You need a psychologist as well. I don’t promise that life is going to be easy, I would definitely let you know that with a little bit of faith and assistance from experts you would win this.

If you feel like speaking to someone when you are low, you could write to me personally on @hiyer on twitter. If you need someone to come with you to the psychologist or lawyer, do hit me up and I would love to be there with you for your initial meets.

While I don’t think we should make any sweeping generalisations here, but I do know that women are human, and all humans have the potential to be sinful and saintly.


PS: Things will get better.

‘I Have Feelings for a Girl, But She Thinks I’m a Casanova’

Dear RainbowMan,

I have been chatting with a school mate for at least 6 weeks now. One day, I just decided to tell her that I have feelings for her and now she thinks I am a Casanova. She doesn’t chat with me now and I feel foolish that I proposed. What should I do?

Lover Boy

Dear Loverboy.

Love is so magical, naah? The fast beating of the heart… that awkward yet special feeling… the hurt, the love, the everything…

I will not belittle you for your age, you could rise in love at any age. But let no one thing be the focus of your life. There are many beautiful things in life, let love be just one of them.

I really like the fact that you are able to gauge your emotions. Where many drown in the ocean of shyness, you dared to speak out and confess and thus ended up not leaving your thoughts to someone’s imagination.

We have the right to feel what we feel about someone, we however should also appreciate that people would also feel what they feel about us.

She has the right to feel what she feels.

Remember, what others think about us, is none of our business.

Do not force her to chat with you. Let her be. Leaving is loving too. The end of love, is love too. Let her go in silence and if she wishes to - into the oblivion. Don’t try to clarify to her that you are not a Casanova.


PS: You can’t make people love you.

‘My Cousin Fondled My Breasts, I Feel Violated’

It is not okay if consent is not respected between two women.
It is not okay if consent is not respected between two women.
(Photo: iStockphoto)

Dear RainbowMan,

I have been living with my mother and my cousin since the past 3 years. My cousin last night fondled my breasts. She is older than me. I feel violated. Should I confront her?

Confused lady

Dear Confused lady,

I don’t know about confrontation, but a conversation is definitely due between you and your cousin. It doesn’t matter what the sex or the gender or the sexuality of anyone is. It is not okay if consent is not respected between two women.

If you feel violated, do speak up and tell the person.

Confrontation, se zyaada, it would be nice to focus on the conversation.

Bring it up with your cousin. Tell her how you feel about it. Id suggest that you don’t put her on a spot, but rather tell her frankly in a conversation about what you feel. Don’t leave anything for ambiguity.


(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)

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