Sexolve 130: ‘Is Having Sex Daily Important for a Relationship?’
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As below:
‘My Aunt Misbehaves with Me, What Should I Do?’
I have been living in a joint family ever since my birth. I am 22-year-old and have a problem that I haven’t found the courage to discuss with anyone, so pardon me if I get too emotional. I have a lot of love and respect for people in my house. I really love them. I am the apple of their eyes too. They love me a lot. And by a lot, I mean A LOT. They buy me gifts and look after me really well. So I love them. Really love them.
However, there is one thing that leaves me disturbed and worried. One of my aunts hugs me warmly and kisses me on my lips. She doesn’t do this when anyone is around, but only when we are alone. She does it casually, so I don’t know if it is sexual or not. There are also times when she playfully bottom pinches me.
Last week, when I woke up with morning wood, she slid her hands inside my shorts and adjusted my penis. When I looked stunned and awkward she told me to chill, and that she is doing this to save me from embarrassment. The problem is that I don’t know - I don’t know if this is how I define “saving from embarrassment”. I don’t know if this is love or lust, or if this is concern or playfulness. I don’t know anything and this is making me really worried. It’s giving me nightmares. I am really fed up of the constant string of thoughts that rage a war in my head. She is my aunt. More importantly, she is a she. How could she? I am unable to do anything. Can you help me figure this out?
Dear Disturbed Man,
Thank you for sharing with me. First let me acknowledge the fact that it would have taken an immense amount of unimaginable courage to type every word you did to a stranger (me) on the internet.
Perhaps sometimes, it is easier to trust strangers, than to trust loved ones when you feel violated by them.
When we trust in our elders, care-givers or people in authority, we entrust the responsibility of good behaviour on them, and rightfully so. They would have to ensure that they respect your space and do not get too close for comfort.
Also, why do you think women would not misbehave or abuse? Just because someone belongs to a gender that has been at the receiving end of misogyny and hate, doesn’t guarantee that if they are in a set up where they are powerful in a relationship, they would not cross the line.
Maybe that’s what it is. She didn’t know where to draw the line. Maybe that’s where, now, as another adult, you should tell her off in those many words – tell her that you do not appreciate her touching you in places you don’t like being touched. She would mend her ways certainly if she really loves you.
I would always suggest that you visit a counselor if this gets too much for you to handle. They are trained to help you sort things out. It is helpful especially when our mind is scattered and we are unable to look at things logically.
PS: I am with you. I know you can see your way through this challenge.
‘What Is Love and What Is Sex?’
I am a 29-year-old girl madly in love with a 24-year-old man. We are extremely fond of each other and can’t get our hands off each other whenever we meet. My parents live in another country, so mostly we meet at my place. I feel lonely at times, and he fills my heart up with love when I do. I hardly know of any time that we have met and not had sex. Our meetings begin with conversations and end with us rolling over the hay. It’s been two years now. And I have had enough and more sex for a lifetime.
My boyfriend has a huge libido. Is this because he is young? He could orgasm multiple times in one day. Over time, I have gotten bored of sex, but I am worried that considering his libido, he may find pleasure elsewhere if I don’t satisfy him. Am I thinking right? Am I failing somewhere? Am I unworthy of his love?
Dear Worried Woman,
Firstly, congratulations on finding love. I know how it feels like to have someone by your side when you are lonely. To have someone fill the empty spaces, can sometimes be magical. You have found that.
Love transcends every boundary.
The age of the adults is immaterial as long as it happens with equal passion and compassion and with consent at every stage.
Isn’t consent the sexiest thing ever? And isn’t a lover who stops when you ask them to stop the most orgasmic thing ever?
It happens when we love. We make patterns and patterns of our meetings and we do not understand the need to break these patterns.
Love is but about explorations, about challenging your own selves at times with newer ideas. We need to break these patterns even if they seem very comforting, because familiarity may not always breed contempt, but familiar patterns in life may breed boredom.
I’m sure that your partner would understand if he loves you. Do not dismiss his maturity by citing his age. Young people have great potential to surprise us with maturity. And older people have the ability to be young and crazy in love. Don’t dismiss him without discussing with him. Give him a chance to understand you. Do not assume before you discuss and tell him what you really feel.
Maybe he feels the need to always be sexually active for you so that you don’t leave him. What’s happening with you, could be happening with him too. Right? Why not speak things out clearly?
Things get better when we speak openly.
PS: If it is love, he will understand.
Also Read : Sexolve 121: ‘Is My Relationship Falling Apart?’
‘How to Date an HIV Positive Man?’
Today is World AIDS day and I thought I should tell you this. I am in love with a man who happens to be HIV positive. It was I who proposed to him and he accepted my proposal. In the first meeting after we updated our relationship status-update on social media, he told me that he is HIV positive. While it did not lessen my love for him in any way, I am a little scared that I will contract the virus. What should I do?
Dear Positively Afraid,
Congratulations on finding your loved one. Wish you the very best for a never ending fulfilling journey in this relationship.
Let me begin by acknowledging the fact that you are torn between your true love and the fear of being susceptible to the virus.
If you think deeply, you would know that love by itself is a virulent game.
I am not belittling your fears, but want to let you know that if your HIV positive partner is on antiretroviral treatment (ART) and checks his viral load regularly, the virus may be undetectable. In that case there is very little risk of transmitting the virus to you.
Here are few things I suggest you consider.
1. Speak openly to your partner. Do not assume that you are the only one who is scared. Maybe he is as afraid of transmitting the virus to you too.
2. Ask if he is on ART. Not out of being afraid, but out of love and concern.
3. Use a Condom. Use protection.
4. HIV positive people have sexual needs too. Do not assume that HIV positive people would need to stop having sex once and for all because they are positive. It is also untrue that HIV positive persons have sex only with HIV positive persons. There are ways of engaging sexually with HIV positive persons while also protecting oneself.
5. Awareness is key. People will work at scaring you. Do not get scared. Your fears would turn into strength once you read up.
6. Don’t be condescending. There are many HIV positive persons who have found love. Do not ever think you are doing them any favor by choosing them despite their status.
7. Don’t tell. If your partner wants to tell the world about his status, that’s his prerogative. You ought to respect his space and not tell anyone about his status if he doesn’t want to. You are the guardian of his truth. Don’t let him down.
8. Ignore all of the above. Ignore me too. Seek counselling. You need to also ensure that you seek counselling from an expert. I would suggest that you speak to Humsafar Trust or any organisation that deals with HIV positive individuals. I can connect you to HIV positive persons who would be able to tell you how they are able to protect themselves and their partners even while engaging in a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship.
Love is the most infectious virus. In fact, it is beyond any virus.
Good luck and love to you and your partner.
PS: When love finds its wings, fly. Fly together.
(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to email@example.com.)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)