Sexolve 128: ‘What Should I Do to Become More Manly?’
Have doubts about your sexuality, sexual health or relationships? Ask our columnist Harish Iyer.
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As below:
‘I am a Man in Love with Another Man But I’m Not Sexually Inclined to Him’
I am a 28-year-old man. I have been in love with a man since the past 6 years. I dream of him. I dream of being with him. I dream of hugging him. However, I feel no sense of sexual chemistry or the urge to have sex with him. I don’t feel like this for other men. I fantasize about sex with women. I wonder what I could classify my love for that one and only man. Am I a bisexual? Am I straight with a tendency to bromance? What am I? Who am I?
Your heart knows the true meaning of love. You will rival in it. You should continue enjoying it.
What I may tell you may seem very utopian, however, that’s how I look at things, I want to share things with you the way I see things – crystal clear.
Why do we always try to define love and in the bargain end up confining love to the boundaries of wordiness? Why can’t it be unbound, undefined and only felt?
Only you would know what your sexuality is. But I can tell you that it is natural for men to feel a close sense of affinity for other men, even without the feeling of having sex with that person. It is completely natural, and that doesn’t need to necessarily make you bisexual. I am gay, however, there are times when I feel this undying urge to hug some of my female friends, that doesn’t really make me bisexual or even straight, it only means that I have a beating heart for those who I love and I want to express that with bodily contact.
Continue loving your male friend. If things get sexual consensually and naturally, don’t stop yourself. Allow your body to feel what it feels. Let your mind rest.
PS: I wish you more love.
‘My Friends Call Me a Slut’
I am a 22-year-old student from a college. I have been slut shamed for being in a relationship with 3 men in the past 3 years. The problem is that I have been slut shamed by my own gender. Women in my college think of me as some sort of a slut. They say things like ‘she is not here, maybe she must be sucking cock now’. They have no idea of how much it hurts me to be judged for sharing things with them in complete trust and with complete honesty. I wonder if I did wrong by falling in love with 3 men and whether this will cost me my reputation for the rest of my life. Help me, I feel like killing myself.
Dear Depressed Girl,
First things first – the thoughts of your friends do not define you. We could have multiple opinions about many people, now that doesn’t really define you or make you who you are.
We form opinions about people when they share things with us. We form judgements by the second. Some act on it, some keep it to themselves. Those who keep it to themselves, are mature enough to be trusted. Those who don’t are best shunted away.
I just want you to know that you are not of ill-character if you are sleeping with or in a relationship with more than one partner. You are ill-charactered though if you choose to take the secrets that your friends trust you with and use the same to make them feel lesser of a sane human being.
Your reputation doesn’t get ruined by who you have sex with. Or how many you are in a relationship with. Your relationships are just a part of you, not the whole of you.
As for your urge to end everything that you feel sometimes, I want you to see a counsellor. Just as we have a doctor for fever, we need to visit a counsellor for our mental challenges. Please do check and find yourself a counsellor. Do not neglect these feelings, take them seriously.
PS: Counsellor Appointment – NOW!
‘I Want To Be More Manly’
I feel I am very womanly. I do not know what I should do to become more manly. I am 17 now and everyone is teasing me. Tell me please.
Dear Worried Boy,
Thank you for trusting me. I understand where you are coming from and also understand the feeling of being bullied and shamed.
I know I could tell you to own yourself and accept yourself, but this would only seem as words with no meaning to you at the moment when you are being attacked for who you are.
You should know though that there is nothing in you that you need to change to ally with people’s idea of masculinity. People will have a problem and they will continue finding problems for you. You do not have to change yourself ever to fit yourself in a box.
You were made to stand out. And standing out is not easy. But standing out is special. And being special comes with challenges. You will win, in the end, you will win.
I want you to see a counsellor. Meet one personally. If you wish to speak to me, do drop a mail and I will take you to one personally.
PS: You are what you are, let the world take you the way you are.
(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to email@example.com.)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)
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