Sexolve 131: ‘Dad Forced Himself on My Mom. How Do I Get Over It?’
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As below:
I have grown up seeing my father and mother having sex. We live in a small house so I cannot actually escape the sight of it. I have always seen my mother object to sex and my father forcing himself on her. As a child that’s how I defined sex – force. Now as I plan my wedding with my girlfriend, I get the same thoughts of fantasy that involve the use of force with her. I am unable to think otherwise. What should I do? How should I better myself?
Dear Good Human,
I don’t know your gender and I refuse to assume. Whatever I am going to say though, applies to someone of any of the genders. Thank you for sharing with me.
As children, we often emulate our parents. Also, our exposure to sex and sexuality at young age sometimes shapes the way we feel or fantasise about our partners, so it is not your fault that you are thinking the way you are thinking.
I really appreciate the fact that you are unable to see yourself thinking of violence and practicing non-consensual sex and wish to change yourself. I would request you to seek psychological assistance.
Kindly visit a psychologist as soon as you can. And do remember to follow up with them regularly and do all the exercises with utmost dedication and sincerity
PS: It gets better, when we want to get better. Really, it does.
‘My Boyfriend Is Suspicious of Me’
I am a gay man and I am 25. I have a gay relationship issue. I have been in love with someone for the past four years. We have been very active sexually also. However, things changed when my partner, the love of my life, saw some pimples near my anal region. I have never cheated on him. Though he has one time, but we chose to forget that. When I got these pimples he started asking me weird questions about my sexual history. When I told him that I have not had sex or even kissed anyone besides him, he didn’t believe me and thought that the pimple is some sort of an STD. I got tested for HPV and HIV and it was all negative. He has been acting very weird after that. We had an argument over food recently where he screamed at me “you are a bag of STDs, god knows who you are sleeping with in my absence”. I got really upset but I didn’t speak a single word. This is tearing me apart. I feel like having a support system but I have none. My family doesn’t support me. I feel like dying.
Dear Love Attached,
I don’t live in the world of blind beliefs. I think every couple should get tested for STDs regularly. Heterosexual, homosexual, everyone. However, disrespect is not something that one should tolerate, sexuality immaterial.
So, I am not livid about your partner’s fears of contracting an STD and thereby thinking of going for a test, I am angry about the way he did it.
First things first, why didn’t your partner get tested himself? And why didn’t you insist on that? It could be that he is infected. I suggest that you insist.
Secondly, a relationship is built on trust. Your partner seems to be focussed on ensuring that he rocks the boat with his distrust. You need to have the tough talk with him. You need to tell him that you would not appreciate it if he keeps doubting you.
Don’t eat your words to save the relationship. Truth be told, that by itself is the sole reason for relationships to crumble.
You are not alone. You have me. You have us. You have a whole community in Mumbai. I would suggest that you visit The Humsafar Trust and seek professional counselling from them. They are an organisation that works with sexual minorities.
You are worthy of being loved. Keep the faith. Things get better.
PS: Some people are pimples in the butt of humanity. Tell your partner – he is one. TELL HIM NOW.
(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to email@example.com.)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)