Sexolve 146: ‘My Husband, His Boss And I Had a Threesome’
“Consent should be continuous,” writes Harish Iyer.
“Consent should be continuous,” writes Harish Iyer.(Photo: iStockphoto)

Sexolve 146: ‘My Husband, His Boss And I Had a Threesome’

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.

This week’s Q&As below:

‘I Didn’t Disclose My Sexual History to My Doctor’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 25-year-old girl and I am actively having sex with my partner; he is 26. For the past 4 years, we have been constantly having sex once a month (sometimes twice a month). My partner is healthy and has no problem after sex but when it comes to me – my mensuration date shifts regularly every month after having sex. My period comes too late sometimes. Is this a serious issue?

Apart from this I have very severe burning and itching sensation in my vaginal part a few days before my period starts and this sensation was not there earlier. It started after my sex life I have consulted a gynaecologist and she said that it is casual fungal infection and there's nothing serious but I haven't revealed that I am having sex. She wrote some medicines and an anti fungal ointment which are useful but I need to use every time before my period due to the fact that I am having sex. I don't like taking medicines and I am not able to find a permanent solution for this. I am really concerned about why this is happening regularly. What should I do?

Girl Interrupted

(Photo: iStockhoto)

Dear Girl Interrupted,

Thank you for writing in. I am not a doctor and I will not be able to advice you on the medical part.

However, I would definitely ask you to not hide anything from your gynaecologist. If you find this gynaecologist a little judgemental, please visit another one. 

Better still, get yourself an appointment with a sexologist.

Do not delay these things. Get physically examined by a doctor and seek their advice.

Smiles
RainbowMan

PS: Only when you share, will you be able to investigate.

Also Read : From Stigmatising to Embracing – Let’s Talk About Odorous Vagina

‘My Husband, His Boss And I Had a Threesome’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 32-year-old woman. I am married, ours was an arranged marriage. We have always experimented with sex – many wild things right from sadomasochism to every shade of the 50 shades of grey. I  have enjoyed every bit of it. We always consented to do things. We have been kinky too. We have tried things like golden shower and even other kinky stuff that some would be disgusted about. However, when it comes to experiments, we kept going further and further. We have also had a two-woman-one-man sex, where it was one of my female friends who joined us.

Last weekend, he wanted his boss to visit us for dinner. He stayed over. All three of us had sex. My husband was performing orals on his boss and his boss seemed disgusted by the idea, he shrugged his shoulders. In a bid to repair the situation that had gotten a little odd, my husband then pushed me in between and thrust his boss on me.

What do I do? I feel violated. Very violated. However, I don’t think my husband is wrong or his boss. I feel I am to blame for this. Maybe, I shouldn’t have agreed. Though in the past, I have told my husband that I liked to be pushed around. I think that my husband mistook that. What do I do? I feel so bad. I hope you will not judge me/us? I’m not a bad person, neither is my husband.

Regards,
Miss Xperiment

(Photo: iStockphoto)

Dear Miss Xperiment,

Thank you for sharing with me. I am not judging you. What is there to judge in adults having sex with consent? I do not, and people should not judge you or your partner for that.

Whether you are good or bad is not determined by your sexual relationships or your degree of experimentation in your consensual sex. As long as it is consensual and with an adult, there is nothing to judge.

I, in fact, appreciate that you guys are open minded enough to put love and sex in two different buckets and enjoy sex to its fullest.

However, consent for one act (or many acts of sex), doesn’t mean that consent is the default setting. Consent has got to be continuous and needs to be renewed every time for every act.

I think your husband needs to understand that your consent is important in every stage. And so should you, if and when you involve him to play along your fantasies. What caused discomfort? The fact that he pushed you towards his boss or the fact that it was your husband’s boss?

Make your discomfort alive for him with your words and facial expressions. Sit down with your husband and tell him that there are some Dos and Donts even in a highly experimenting sex playground.

You would need to draw those boundaries and play with utmost respect and love.

Sit down. Relax. Think about what really caused you discomfort and come up with a list of things that are non-negotiable in this relationship. And once you have done that, please explain the same to your husband and also seek from him a list of what his boundaries are. There is nothing more powerful than mutual love.

Smiles,
RainbowMan

PS: Remember, consent should be continuous.

Also Read : Sexolve 145: ‘Our Sexual Experiment Has Affected Our Relationship’

‘My Boyfriend Is Loving Towards Me Only When He’s Feeling Sexual’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 26-year-old girl and in a relationship with a guy of 27 from last three years. We were extremely happy in the beginning of our relationship. We had sex only 3 times in these years as he lives in Maharashtra and I live in another state. For the last few months, I have an inkling that he is not interested in me anymore. I could gather that because he doesn’t give me enough time, care or respect. It seems like he has taken it for  granted that just because we had sex, I will marry him.  Nowadays, we fight on small issues regularly we never talk softly with each other. We never have a normal conversation except when he is in the mood of romantic talk and sexual conversation. I want to leave him and move on with my life. What should I do? I am totally confused. Please help me.

Regards,
Girl In The Crossroads

(Photo Courtesy: Unsplash.com)

Dear Girl In The Crossroads,

Thank you for writing in to me. I understand and acknowledge the effort it might have taken for you to just put your fingers to type.

People often wish the love to remain the same in the relationship. The truth in many cases though, is that sometimes, not always, familiarity breeds contempt. Familiarity in most cases breeds the feeling of complacency.

Some  relationships may seem very effortless  on the outside, but truth be told, it does take a great deal of understanding, empathy and care. More than any of these, respect is of utmost importance. If any of these ingredients are missing, it would be good to step back and take a look at the relationship with a  birds-eye view and judge what it could be.

It is important that your partner loves you and respects you. If you think this is missing, please broach the topic with him in a very non-emotional and practical conversation.

Arrange a meeting with him in a public place where you both would need to keep your tone in control. Sit across him with no body contact. And ask him directly “Are you serious about this relationship? Because we do not seem to be gelling well on anything, except sex!” Ensure that this conversation is with zero emotional outpouring. More like a sophisticated business meeting.

Besides asking him what he wants from the relationship, make him understand that you are not going to be treated as any less than an equal partner. Tell him that, as clearly and as bluntly as you can. Do remember to tell him what you want from this relationship with him. Achieve a consensus among the different voices in your head of what you wish to do with this meeting.

In the end, it is about you and your desires as much as his. Remember that you have the right to tell him what you expect from the relationship and also give him the  opportunity to explain. In the end, you both have to reach some consensus.

Let your heart be free, but let your brain guide your heart at this juncture.

You will do good.

Smiles
RainbowMan

PS: Whatever happens… happens for the best.

(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to sexolve@thequint.com.)

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)

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