Sexolve 138: ‘I Am in a Relationship with My Brother-in-Law’
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As below:
‘I Am a Boy Trapped in a Girl's Body but I Don't Want to Call Myself a Transgender’
I am a 29 year old boy trapped in a girl’s body. It makes me very uncomfortable that this condition of mine is actually called transgender. I am not some street urchin who goes out begging. I am a person of repute, I am well educated and I work in a reputed MNC. Please don’t suggest that I get my boobs, chopped off or anything like that, I don’t want to get any operations done… I am not like those people who play with god’s gifts. What should I do?
Girl in the crossroads
Thank you for writing in to me. I know the courage that it would have taken to put your fingers on the keys. That is in fact, half a battle won.
Beyond textbook definitions, I will not call you a transgender person, because you are a transgender, when you say you are a transgender, not when I assume that you are a transgender.
I understand that you are God fearing and do not want to tamper with the body you are born with. Again, that’s totally your choice.
I also know that gods of all religions also ask us to celebrate kindness and shun judgements. So I wonder why sometimes we judge others when we don’t like being judged? Maybe, some people would like to be called transpersons, may be some people go through gender dysphoria and that can only be solved by sexual reassignment surgery?
I mean, I have no right to call you a transperson, but I will take the liberty of telling you that let’s be less judgemental about others.
PS: I am not angry with you. I am just sharing what I feel.
‘I Am in a Relationship with My Brother-in-Law’
I have been involved in a relationship for the past 4 years. Last night we decided to take the relationship to the next level. We had sex. The way he kissed me, I couldn’t hold myself. One thing lead to another and before I could imagine we were butt naked and fornicating like rabbits.
This may not seem very complex the way I am telling you, but here is the real grim part. I am a gay man. And I am a dumb and timid gay person. I didn’t raise my voice when I should have. My wife is a beautiful person. We also have sex sometimes. (I fake it). The relationship that I am in with, is her own brother. My wife found a job in Africa and she shuttles between Africa and India and I am the one taking care of her brother who is all of 22. I am 32. I am in love with him. Really in love with him. He loves me too, but understands that this is very complex. What do I do without creating a drama? I don’t want my wife to feel cheated.
Dear Worried Man,
Thank you for writing in. I really appreciate the fact that you are so honest and self-reflective now.
It takes courage to own up and say that you have screwed up up. Yes, it would have been ideal if you had spoken up or at least not gotten married and made it complicated for your female partner as well, but khair, we should be focusing on what we have to do now to make things better, rather than what has happened.
Honesty, I do not have an easy answer. And I am not sure if it would be easy to your ears or be done without creating any drama.
Because the truth is that, you can only beat the fact that you had shown lack of courage at one time, by showing more courage this time.
Your wife may end up feeling cheated, but that’s the truth too. She has been cheated. She is entitled to feel what she feels. You denied her real love and are at some level possibly feeling guilty about it. I urge you to not feed that guilt even more by keeping the truth away from her.
It is very difficult to live a life in the fear of getting busted. Own your truth.
Don’t live a lie. Not anymore.
Whether it is your wife’s brother or any other man, your wife deserves freedom from you. And you deserve freedom to become more authentic and to be more in sync with who you really are.
‘How Can I Force My Wife to Have Anal Sex?’
My wife doesn’t like anal sex. How do I force her without hurting her?
Dear Desperate Hubby,
Don’t have anal sex if she doesn’t want to have anal sex. You can’t force anyone to agree with you. And if you force anyone to have sex with you, even if it is your wife, in moral standards, it is rape.
A huge big libido cannot be a reason for you to be an ass!@le.
Save yourself from disgrace.
PS: Don’t be one.
(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to email@example.com.)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)