Sexolve 118: ‘My Wife is Not Very Interested in Sex’
There’s no act in love making that is more pleasurable than mutual respect, says Harish Iyer in this week’s Sexolve
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to email@example.com.
This week’s Q&As below:
‘My Wife And I Have Never Explored Our Sexual Relationship’
I have a peculiar issue that I guess bothers most of the people in this mayanagri. My wife and I have been married for 3 years now. But we have never had the privacy to explore our sexual relationship in a good way.
I live in a joint family with parents, grandparents and brother. Our house is less than 400 square meters. When we get the opportunity, we end up just hugging or fondling each other. We got married through a court marriage and have had no “suhaag raat” as my wife’s dad had passed away two days before our wedding and she was grieving.
My wife is extremely irritable. She is always at home as a housewife and only gossips and has nothing to do as women in my family don’t go out to work. The family is pressurising us for children. Little does my mother understand that for us to become parents we need to spend time together. I am yet to see my wife naked, and ditto with her. Whenever we are just about to get intimate, someone walks in. This is affecting us.
My wife is very irate with the fact that she has to listen to “taana” all day for not bearing a child from respectable elders in the family. Now she is becoming even more irate and seems almost suicidal. What do I do to salvage this marriage?
Troubled Bombay Man
Dear Troubled Bombay Man,
This indeed is a big problem in our city. Shrinking spaces is directly proportional to decline in sexual intimacy. The rising property rates ensure that we either lived in crammed houses or live in the streets. I empathise with you and your partner.
Regarding your family’s obsession with your reproduction, in no uncertain terms – ask them to SHUT UP. Respect is a two way street. If you respect the fact that they are “elders”, they need to respect the fact that reproduction is a personal decision and not a family affair.
What do you mean by “in our family, women don’t go out to work” - who do you think you are to grant her the permission to out to work. You, man, need to wake up and smell coffee. Your wife left her home and decided to stay with you and your family. She agreed to make your home her home. She is not “always at home”, she looks after domestic chores and therefore willingly, or unwillingly reduces your work at home and your well being.
How dare you speak about her in an authoritative way? She is an adult. She can take her decisions.
Who is family to grant her her wishes? I don’t know if Gods exist, but don’t play God here. Seriously, let me mince no words when I tell you that just as doing a showbaazi of authority is a norm in your house, your words make it clear that you are also ungrateful.
In the same vein, let me also appreciate your empathy towards your wife’s worries. However, you need to come down to her level and try to understand where she is coming from. You may be pushing her into early signs of mental illnesses. (Later, you may end up blaming her for her mental illness, comfortably forgetting that you were the reason it manifested in the first place)
Speak to her with kindness. Go out with her on a small vacation. If you cant go to switzerland, take her to every Mumbaikar’s closest destination to switzerland – Lonavala / Matheran/ Mahabhaleshwar. She is a being, she has sexual, emotional and physical needs. You ought to respect her.
Your concern will not help her, your proactive action will. If you cant guarantee her physical space, at least assist her in finding mental peace.
Let’s not treat our spouses as slaves. We are masters of no beings. Let’s get that clear.
P.S. sorry for being harsh, but work at being more humane.
‘My Wife is Not Very Supportive in Sex’
I am a 30 year old man and my problem is that my wife is not very supportive in sex. Not as much as I need. How do I get her to be more interested?
Dear Curious Husband,
What do you mean by “not supportive” ? Do you mean that she doesn’t ally with the fantasies you have? Does it mean that you guys are not “intimate” with each other?
Why don’t you try the age old trick of “conversations”?
Speak to her, not on bed, but over a dining table or over the sofa. Don’t be demanding, be conversational.
Maybe you could begin with changing the focus from your desires to her desires. Ask her what her desires are. Ask her what she likes in sex. Ask her what her pleasure points are and work on her desires.
Stretch yourself a little and check how much she is willing to stretch herself.
Love making is a mutual act. Both parties have to be pleasured. It is also a negotiation and should be a celebration of free will and explorations.
In the end, it is her decision. Always remember that. Always respect that. There is no act in love making that is more pleasurable than mutual respect.
P.S. Wish you plentiful pleasures and contentment.
‘Three Men Forced Themselves on Me & Are Blackmailing Me Now’
I am a young gay man and am very scared. I was in a public loo this morning, just a while ago, there were 3 men who stood next to me in a urinal. I knew they were interested in me, they signaled with looks. They asked me to blow them and I did. Soon the three men forced themselves on me, removed my trousers and f****d me. There was no condom. There was another man, I saw who was filming me. I wanted to scream but was scared. I ran out and came and suddenly in Grindr, I got a message saying that they will s***w my happiness if I don’t give them money. I am really scared. What do I do.
Thank you for mustering the courage to share your story with me. I have dropped you a personal email, but here is the public response as well, for others who would be in a similar situation.
Please inform a trusted friend. You would need some moral support after this. You could get in touch with www.Humsafar.org for details on this. They, or any activist, (here are my facebook coordinates, www.facebook.com/hiyerfan ) will be happy to assist or find you a person who could assist you personally.
First things first, you need to visit a doctor. If there was penetration, and the penetration was unprotected, we need to first weed out the possibility of you contracting a sexually transmitted disease. There are ways of preventing the spread of HIV in your body within the first 36 hours of exposure. Kindly ensure that you visit a doctor the soonest.
Secondly decide what you wish to do with this case. A police complaint could be recommended, however, do take help from a social worker/activist for the procedures.
A little something about the law here. While there is section 377 that criminalises non-peno-vaginal sex, there is also section 389 of the Indian Penal Code that stands against using an existing law as threat for extortion or death.
So there is legal assistance/remedy, if you decide to pursue this legally. However, we should be aware that the police at every police station may not be aptly sensitized, so it is best to take a social worker/lawyer along who could assist the police as well.
The most important thing is your mental well being. The scars of a painful experience will take time to heal. You need to acknowledge that and seek the assistance of a mental health professional.
I want you to also know that you are loved. An incidence of this magnitude cannot break your spirit.
Things get better.
P.S. You will surprise yourself by recovering sooner than what you expected.
(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org.)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)
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