Sexolve 156: ‘I Am Getting Married, but I’m Scared of Intercourse’
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&A is below:
‘I Am Getting Married, but I’m Scared of Intercourse’
I am getting married next year and I am really worried about my first night , the pain, and moreover I am ashamed to get nude in front of a man and to see his nudity also.
Will it pain and bleed too much after first-time sex? Will it take more time to heal? When we can have sex again? If I am not ready for the first night how can I tell my husband about it? Will he accept it? And can you please tell me how and when I can have contraceptives to avoid pregnancy?
The Fear Element
Dear The Fear Element,
Thank you for writing to me. Acknowledging one’s fears are the first step in getting rid of them. We all react differently to love, sex and the feeling of nakedness.
It is also okay to tell your partner about your feelings, without assuming that he would not understand. It is important to understand that men can be considerate and loving too. Also, If he is not considerate and understanding, you shouldn’t be marrying him in the first place. Speak to him. Let him know that sex could take time.
Regarding your question pertaining to pain during sex, I should put on record that I am a cis-man, and I can only speak from the experience of what I have read and what I am told by my female friends. Sex for the first time could cause some discomfort and pain. Just in case you’re your hymen is intact, there is also the probability of bleeding when an intact hymen breaks.
I want you two people to meet before you get married. Get yourself an appointment . with a counselor to address your fears of a sexual relationship. We need to investigate if the fears are emerging out of a general discomfort with the idea of sex or nakedness from is specific traumatic incidence is the trigger?
Also understand that when a couple gets into a relationship, there should be mutual understanding of boundaries, limitations and expectations. If your partner is inconsiderate or simply has different expectations from the relationship in terms of love or making love, kindly don’t make the mistake of getting into a relationship.
Please discuss with your to be, and make a choice of whether to be or not to be.
PS: make love, not compromises.
‘I Have Become Addicted to Sex & Am Losing My Professional Life’
I'm 29 years old, and working in a MNC with a handsome salary. I rarely used to think about sex and then this lady came into my life who was very badly addicted to sex.
She is my first girlfriend. Within very less time we ended up in bed. In the beginning, I was really bad at satisfying her, but as the days went on, I became better. So much so that she used love it and crave for it. We were in relationship for three years and daily at least once we had sex. Now, it has been 10 months that we broke off, but till last month we had sex daily.
Now, as she made me habituated for sex, I'm literally unable to be myself without having sex. Masturbation isn't working with me. I don't like to get a prostitute for that and these tinder, bumble(dating apps) aren’t working with me as I can't flirt, I'm so straight forward.
Now, how should I come out of this addiction? I'm losing my professional life. Please help me out.
I want answer an in such a way that, if my ex-girlfriend is coming back seeking sex from me, I just need to deny it smoothly.
A worried sex addicted man
Thank you for writing to me. Mostly, when we are in a relationship or out of it, we are unable to see the bigger picture, but you are an exception. So, from the outset, I appreciate the clarity you have about your relationship.
From your mail, I understand that initially, you were not so drawn towards sex, but consented to it to ally with your partner’s wishes.
Sex with ex isn’t a good idea all the time. Especially, when you know that you have been drawn into a habit of something that you would rather not make a habit of as it is a temporary phase.
The best way of dealing with addiction is to do other things you adore. Other things that could benefit you by association. Beat addictions with good habits that you can form.
Please do not hesitate to visit a counsellor if you are still unable to deal with your addiction for sex by beating it with a more constructive habit.
Things get better with time.
PS: Reminder… No sex with ex.
‘Help! I’m Addicted to Masturbation’
I am a 32 year old. I am getting married in few months but I have a fear of my performance in bed because I have been engaging in masturbation since the last 14 years and I think I will not be able to satisfy her and also I think I will be out in a couple of seconds so please help me out.
Thank you for writing in.
I have a few things to share with you.
Firstly, there is a lot of sperm that is formed everyday in your body. It needs an outlet. If you don’t masturbate, it will ooze out in the form of nocturnal emissions (or night-fall as it is popularly called)
How do you know that you will not be able to last for long while having sex with your wife if you have not ventured into it? Do you think that you cum too early even while you masturbate? Maybe you should try the retraction technique – i.e. when you are almost close to orgasm, stop masturbating – it would help in better control.
Also, do not hesitate to consult a sexologist if you feel you ejaculate prematurely.
‘How Can I Marry a Man in India?’
How can I marry a man in India? I am in love and we would love to get settled. How do I do that?
Dear Gay Guy,
Congratulations on finding love and your plans for marriage.
You will have to be aware of anti-social elements and homophobes though. A little bit of caution should be employed while having such events. So be aware of those who may disrupts and be careful in choosing people you tell this to and the venue you choose.
So though you would marry your lover emotionally and through customs, your marriage is not valid legally. You will legally not be recognised as a family. As a result, you would not get benefits like property transfer, adoption, family insurance, life insurance pay etc. Even medically, in case of any major crisis where one of you is unconscious, the other partner will not be able to take critical decisions on the other.
However, leaving these nuances aside, you can have a ceremony.
Regarding ushering in marriages-beyond-genders in India – well, it is a matter of time. It will happen sometime, hopefully, soon.
PS: Pass on my love and good wishes to your to-be husband.
(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to email@example.com)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)