Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.
This week’s Q&A is below:
My Lover Is 6 Years Younger Than Me, My Family Objects to Our Union
Dear RainbowMan,
I am over 30 years old and am in a relationship with a boy who is six years younger than me. He is also a relative of mine. We have been in a relationship for four years, but now our families are opposed to our marriage because of the age difference. We couldn’t convince our parents, and to escape the whole pressure to get married, we ran away and got married in a temple. We didn’t register our marriage. So, there was no legal recognition or familial acceptance. After a while, we got separated due to intense family pressure. The pressure at both of our homes to get married to a person they choose was intense.
We didn’t succumb to it. We both came in contact again and decided to get married legally, but some problem has occurred in his family because of which he didn’t want to take any risks and needed more time to get settled with me. Now he is not talking to me for the last four months. Just yesterday, I got to know from his close friends that he is not even in contact with them.
RainbowMan, we both are committed to each other and want to spend our life together, but our family is coming in between.
What should I do?
Bride-in-Waiting
Dear Bride-in-Waiting,
Thank you for sharing a challenging moment of your life with me. Love is a complex thing. And to love is the most beautiful thing.
It takes courage to love, because it puts us in the most vulnerable position with our most fragile emotions exposed to the one we love.
So, let me begin by acknowledging that you are a courageous human being. You have not left the side of your lover even when the circumstances were difficult.
As much as love needs courage, it needs reciprocal courage too. Your lover should be capable of showing the courage to not just love you back, but to also hold your hand publicly. No pressure to divide should be stronger than the bond of love.
You need to speak to your boyfriend and check with him what he really wants in life. He cannot hold you up like this all the time. He has to decide what he wants. His choice should be you, above all pressure. You can’t get him to make that choice, he needs to make that choice himself. You need to start asking yourself the question – “if he will not stand up for love now, will he stand up for love ever?”. The investment of love has to reap returns. It can’t lie idle and rust. He cant spend the rest of his life playing hide-and-seek with you. He may be younger than you, but he is a big boy. An adult like him needs to start behaving like an adult.
Write to him, ask him to respond. If he doesn’t, you make a decision. Decide to leave him. The loss is his. I would suggest that you don’t choose to hang your emotions by a thread. He needs to decide.
I know love defies all logic, but let it not defy respect. Love is no compromise. Love has to be wise.
Love,
RainbowMan
P.S. In a while, we all will be alright.
I Recovered From Drug Abuse, I Want to Share My Story
Dear RainboMan,
I have a story to share from my own life. It’s the story of what happened after I consumed a drug, though only once in my whole life. It had an adverse effect on me. Now that I am discharged, I want to share my story with the world. How do I do that?
DeDrugged Woman
Dear DeDrugged Woman,
Thank you for your willingness to share your story. I am sure many would find courage in it.
It is only stories that are a source of courage. It is personal stories that have the potential to change the world.
You could visit the National Institute of Mental Health and Neuro Sciences (NIMHANS). The website is www.nimhans.ac.in. I would suggest that you fix an appointment with a psychologist or an HOD from there and express your desire to help them in research through your personal story.
Sharing your personal story would have many positive effects, but also would mean that others pass judgements on you. Be aware and absolutely cocksure of the ramifications of the decision of going public. Make your own judgements about them when you meet NIMHANS professionals personally and decide whether you want to go ahead with sharing your story.
Love,
RainbowMan
P.S. Sharing is caring. Thank you.
He Doesn’t Show Affection, Only I Do.
Dear RainbowMan,
I am a 28-year-old gay man. I was in love with someone. We recently broke up. It was all very amicable. He wanted to leave the relationship because he wanted to study abroad. We didn’t have a bitter break up, though my heart broke into several small pieces. Two weeks before he returned from the US for a short while. He and I had multiple sexual affairs, but we are still single. I have no intentions of getting into any relationship with him, but I did expect him to feel the desire to meet me. I was longing to meet him. I went to the airport to greet him back to the city, he met me lovingly. The issue is that he is leaving in a week’s time, and he hasn’t made a single phone call by himself. Should I ask him if I have any meaning in his life? Or should I just shut up?
Gay Upset
Dear Gay Upset,
Love is the most dangerous of all emotions. It can break as fast as it can build. It wavers and flutters with every passing wind. You found love and it lasted for a while. It was wonderful. Memories are good.
I dare to say that I understand what you are going through.
There is a time in everyone’s life when they get tired of wanting, and wish to be wanted.
I don’t blame you. I understand you. Conversations are the genesis of change in relationships and in life. So, please do bring it up with him. Tell him what you feel.
There is no love greater than reciprocal love.
And everyone deserves to be loved back. Maybe we should not invest love in people who don’t love us back. It is a form of respect too. Do we want to be waiting all the time for people to love us, or do we want to give only when we get love and attention in return?
I mean, would you express love and friendship when he does nothing in return except behave cordially with you when you meet him? I would advise you to give your love and affection and wait for his turn. And then give more. It is no business deal, but respect should be mutual.
Bring it up with him... to give him the benefit, maybe he has been genuinely busy or has some other challenge in his life that is holding him back. You don’t know until you ask. Give him the chance to tell you what he feels.
Smiles,
RainbowMan
P.S. I am very much like you. But guess advice is easy, practice is not.
(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to sexolve@thequint.com)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)
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