Sexolve 149: ‘My Ex is Happily Married and I Can’t Get Over Her’

‘Don’t try running away from your pain. Address your pain. Acknowledge your loss”, writes Harish Iyer.

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

‘We Stare at Each Other All the Time, I Am Falling for Him’

Dear RainbowMan,

From childhood I have always felt I am different. At the age of 20, I started to know about my sexuality, that I may be gay, so my story starts as follows .

In second year of college, I started to like a boy, he was in M.Com and I was in M.Sc. He used to always stare at me, we used to make frequent eye contact in college. One day, I sent him a friend request on Facebook and he accepted it immediately. Soon after that, I started following him on Instagram. Our affinity grew. I started to like him and he continued staring at me. I don’t know if he is attracted to me or I am just overthinking about him. I don't know about his sexuality, if he is bi or homosexual, but I guess he might be the first.

So, moving on, we had our industrial visit which was surprisingly at the same city for both courses that we were pursuing. There also we made frequent eye contact, but when I am with my friends, I noticed that he didn’t acknowledge me or look at me the same way. It was only when I was alone that he used to stare at me. Communication between us was very little.

I have started to develop feelings for him. From the look of his eyes I feel he likes me too. I actually have started to love him. But one big question remains - does he like me or not? There were moments when I think he's in love with me, but he doesn't want to accept it. He has a girlfriend, but he has stopped talking to her now. I am in a big dilemma whether my above assumptions are right or wrong. Please help to solve this.

Confused Boy

Dear Confused Boy,

Thank you for writing in. Early adulthood is a difficult phase to navigate, especially with the love affairs and attractions that are thrown into the ring. It does get better though, especially when one is able to look at their attractions and articulate their findings so beautifully.

You started by saying “I may be gay”, let me tell you that we all are beyond these worldly definitions. You feel attracted to someone, and that simply means you are attracted to someone, don’t feel compelled whatsoever to put yourself in any box.

Now coming to the man who is the subject of your interest… I want to tell you quite frankly that you have been reading him a little too much. When do you plan to take this to the next stage of speech? When do you plan to speak to him and tell him in some harmless words, “You look really good” ? I think the good time is now. If you feel he is reciprocative and loving towards you, through his eye movements, then probably it would be best to catch him looking at you and going close to him at that moment and speaking to him.

They say looks are deceptive. I suggest that you don’t trust them until you test your affection.

Speak to him. Interact with him. Know him better. Maybe you would find a friend, or maybe, you would find love.

Smiles,
RainbowMan

P.S. Give your heart a chance. Your heart deserves it.

‘Help Me Find a Boyfriend in Ghana’

Dear RainbowMan,

It is hard to find a boyfriend in Ghana. I'm gay and I've tried my best to be friends, but to little use. I've been lonely for 18 years and I don’t want to be anymore. What can I do to get myself a boyfriend please? I'm a good looking guy too.

Regards,
Needy Boy

Dear Needy Boy,

I know the challenge of a lonely heart. I know the pain of loneliness. I will tell you what I did to overcome that.

The truth is that I have never overcome the feeling of loneliness. It is a part of me, just as the feeling of being complete is.

Just love yourself. Even when you are single, even when you are lonely, even when you are with someone happily, even when love leaves you – do remember to love yourself, truly and completely.

Now, coming to finding love. I don’t know of any gay cruising spots in Ghana. I can however, tell you that you will find love from someone when you are in love with yourself.

There are also dating apps like Grindr and PlanetRomeo, however, remember here is a homophobic law in Ghana called Section 104, so be careful when you date and avoid uninformed random dates.

Much love and lots of luck.

Smiles
RainbowMan

P.S. You will find love, love will find you.

‘My Ex is Happily Married and I Can’t Get Over Her’

Dear RainbowMan,

My ex dumped me. It has been more than a year now. I just can’t get over it. She is happily married, while I can’t get aroused even after watching porn. I can’t even think of any other girl in my life. Please help me.

Lonely Me

Dear Lonely Me,

I am sorry to hear about your loss. I understand your pain.

To lose your heart is literally like losing a heart

I know. I have had a break up around the same time last year and while I give lectures to others, when it came to myself, I had to go through all the pain to finally come to terms with the fact that my partner is no more my partner.

When I was low, my best friend, Sheetal told me “I know your heart must be aching, but it is okay”. At that moment, I found it distressing that she didn’t comfort me, but instead told me that the pain is for me to endure and it is okay to endure this pain.

However, after a while, I realised that the only way through the pain, is with the pain.

You need to acknowledge that she is no more in your life. You need to express it. Cry if you want. Laugh if you want. But don’t deny your heart the pain of the loss. Don’t try running away from your pain. Address your pain. Acknowledge your loss. And eventually, you would also be in a position to accept the end of your relationship.

If you loved truly and completely, and the one you love leaves you, it would cause hurt. I know I am not offering you any band-aid solutions, but there is no band-aid solution to an aching heart, rather than acceptance that it will ache, and this painful moment will pass.

Parallelly, while you acknowledge your loss, do ensure that you focus on things you love doing. Don’t do this to divert your mind though. Do it because you love doing it.

You gave your love time, when love leaves you, in respect of the good time you spent with love, give it time too.

May you break down all that’s hurting you within and build yourself back again with love

Smiles
Rainbow Man

P.S. I offer you tight hugs. I love you.

‘I Have Developed Feelings for My Best Friend’

Dear RainbowMan,

I realised just some time ago that I have developed feelings for my best friend. It caught me by surprise as we had been very close, and one day after a small fight I realised I had fallen for him. And my feelings have been there ever since. But I don't how should I approach this. Should I let him know? I'm afraid that things will change if he knows.

Regards,
Confused About Love

Dear Confused About Love,

Firstly, let me, congratulate you.

Best friends make great lovers. I mean, I am sure you know that. Many would tell you that you shouldn’t make boyfriends of a best friend, but let me assure you, that when love happens, it happens, and every naysayer is propagating a myth.

It all depends on how you approach this. And how equipped are you to deal with the fact that your relationship with your best friend will not change just because he doesn’t consent to a relationship. Make sure that you have your heart and your emotions in control before you express your heart completely.

Give yourself time. Speak to your best friend in a non-emotional way and probably check with him if his idea of love is and what his idea of you is. Maybe, in the passing you could let him know that it would be “so nice if you both were not just best friends but partners”. Gauge what his emotions are and then proceed further.

Just remember that just as you have the right to seek his response, he has the right to decline your heart’s advance.

If you handle this maturely, with adequate emotions, but not emotions flowing all over the way, you both will come out as best friends, with or without a relationship.

Much love and lots of luck.

Smiles
RainbowMan

P.S. “Pyaar dosti hai” (Not my words).

(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to [e-mail].)

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)