Sexolve 84: Can a Faith Healer Get Rid of My Curse of Being Gay?

Equal rights activist Harish Iyer answers all your doubts and queries about sex, sexuality and relationships.

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

‘I Want to Get Rid of My Curse of Being Gay Through a Faith Healer’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 29-year-old man. I have been associated with a faith healer who has promised me that I can get rid of my curse of being gay if I say a few prayers and participate in a sacrifice. I know you will want to convince me that I should accept that I am gay, but I dont want to be gay. How do I cure myself through science and not faith?

Faithful

Dear Faithful,

Thank you for writing to me. I understand that the challenge you are facing is not really about homosexuality, but about your perception and people’s perception of it. Sometimes it helps when you open up to a close friend who is optimistic about life? Someone in your friend circle that you could confide into? Maybe that will help.

Homosexuality is not a disease and it is definitely not a curse, but when we are discriminated against or fear that we will be discriminated, it is natural that we feel lowly and upset about things that we cannot change. I am not upset with you. I don’t want to change you, because why would anyone want to change perfect.

I would highly recommend that you visit orinam.net, many of the people behind this website are based in Chennai. It is also available in Tamil. The website is a wealth of resources. Also, there are parents groups, friends groups, cooking groups, queer traveller groups, which means that people who are gay and have specific hobbies can find like-minded people within the queer family.

We all find the ones we love, but our first love story should be with ourselves.

Smiles
RainbowMan

PS The word “sacrifice” scares me. Believe in whatever faith you believe in, but ensure that the only thing that one truly sacrifices, (if at all one has to sacrifice) are the vices and not lives.

‘I Feel I Am Not Pretty Looking’

Dear Rainbowman,

One more year gone. I am single. I think there is no reason why I should live from now on. I mean every year I look at people getting married, engaged and totally in love. I feel jealous, angry and upset. I feel like killing people who post lovey-dovey pictures, and sometimes I feel like dying. Maybe I look ugly, I think at one point and the other point I think I am too pretty and people are of low standard. I will end up dying single. I don’t want to. This may seem like a drunken post by a jealous b**ch. I am not drunk. Just an upset little thing who is always looking for a reason to smile.

Pretty Low

Dear Pretty,

I know what it feels like to feel low. But you know what? Jealousy is a very natural feeling. We all feel jealous about various things in life, but not all of us have the guts and the gumption to admit to it openly to someone. Believe me, I feel jealous of many people and I hardly ever get to acknowledging that.

I have been single for over 36 years of my 38 years of existence in this planet. I should confess that I felt low, rejected, dejected and sometimes like a complete failure. But there were also moments that lasted for long hours of the day, when I diverted and converted all the negative feelings into something solid and did well for myself benefiting from the energy of this transformation.

I would spend long hours watching films that I loved, interacting with people who made me feel good, and most importantly sharing what I felt at that moment with friends and family who really cared. The result is that I am in a position today to share my life and joys with strangers like you.

You know what – you will find your strength too. You will find your happiness too. You have to believe in the possibility of love every time life knocks you down to a point where many would give up on it. And believe me, thoughts become things.

Still dont believe me? fine, but do believe in Shah Rukh Khan.

I would strongly suggest that you see a counsellor. If you feel suicidal, do feel free to call iCall on 022-2552 1111, iCall is a helpline operated by Tata Institute of Social Sciences. You could also write to [e-mail].

Never stop believing in the possibility of happiness.

Love :)
RainbowMan

‘I Am a Lesbian And am Being Pressured to Get Married to a Man’

Dear RainbowMan,

I'm a 22-year-old lesbian. I struggled with my sexuality for a long time, but after coming out to some of my close friends who were really supportive I managed to totally accept myself as I am. Also, I met a lot of queer people around me and it helped a lot.

Recently, I had to come out to my very conservative family who has been compelling me to get married to a guy of their choice. They're now trying to get me for counseling or whatever to make me 'converted' somehow. I have unbearable pressure from my family and I feel like I've let everyone down. I think of leaving everything to lead my own life sometimes, but it isn't easy to leave your family like that. I have zero hope that my family will accept my identity. I have no idea what to do. Hope you could help me out.

Worried Lessie

Dear Worried Lessie,

I understand where you are coming from. I am so happy that you have close friends who have helped you and are with you in this time of crisis. Sometimes friends could be the silver lining in the dark cloud.

Coming to your family, well, sometimes our parents wouldn’t have heard of homosexuality at all. It takes them days, months or even years to come to terms with it. Look back at your own struggle in accepting your sexuality, I gather it must have taken you some time. For them, it is not only learning something new, but also unlearning what they never questioned - that heterosexuality is the only default setting. They need time and more love.

Regarding them forcing you for marriage - you are an adult. Put your foot down sternly and strongly. Please get financially independent before you do anything like that though, when you have financial dependency the strings of our lives are in the hands of our financers, whoever they be, parents, bosses or whoever.

If you wish to meet queer women and draw inspiration and support from each other, please write to Umang at [e-mail]. There are a few events scheduled in January by Umang as a part of the Mumbai Pride Month celebrations. If you would like to speak to parents, please write to [e-mail] and a parent will be happy to listen to you.

I know it feels horrible when your family takes time to accept. But always remember, you have a family that you are born into. And you have a family that you choose. The big LGBTIQ community is your family. You are our friend, our lover, our sibling, our child. Come, write to us, be part of our family. Make us your kith and kin.

Smiles
RainbowMan

(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to [e-mail])

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)