Sexolve 144: ‘My Husband’s Insecurities Is Affecting Our Sex Life’

Even the kindest of people could have the strongest of insecurities, says Harish Iyer in this week’s Sexolve.

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

‘My Online Date Is In A Troubled Marriage’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a woman if 28 yrs. I am in this complicated relationship with a woman from the other side of the world. She is a lesbian married also to a lesbian. Yes, you are not mistaken to what i wrote. I know i am a foolish, crazy and stupid woman. We have been in a long distance relationship for almost 4 months now.

Our relationship is not the typical gay relationship because we started and became closer because of the sex/phone sex we had. We can make each other horny easily. The love became stronger not only because of the feeling but also with the sex. She loves sex, we do it every day.

Now, the only challenge we have is her marriage. Even before she met me she had doubts and fall out of love with her wife and the fall out intensified when she met me. She wanted to let her go but she is scared to do it. She made it clear to me that she will choose me but she is scared to do it now. I don’t force her to do thing but tell her to think about letting her wife go.

Sometimes, I do get frustrated and think that it is time that I ask her to leave our relationship because we never met each other in person. I feel her love for me is over flowing and my feelings to is the same. I have a lot of questions if this is love or only lust. But as time flies, I can feel her love more. But is it worth it to wait for her to let go her wife or is it even wise enough to do so?

Regards,
Confused Lady

Dear Confused lady,

Thank you for writing in. No, I don’t think you are foolish or crazy or stupid., It is love. Love of all kinds are crazy, foolish and stupid. I know that in this age of dating apps and with the optimisation of technology for giving us real time updates, the world has shrunk and we sometimes don’t feel the need to meet a person to meet a person.

Some people fall in love with the online persona. There is nothing wrong in it. However we need to be prepared for the probability of meeting an entirely different person in real life.  

Don’t get me wrong. I am not advising you to stop seeing her or anything close to that. I in fact believe in going the forbidden path and leaving a trail. I just feel that you need to know her better and ascertain how you feel about her when you meet her in person.

The investment of heart is the biggest investment. Be absolutely sure it is bankable. 

One more thing - her wife and she had a fall out, but are they planning to call off their marriage? Asking because you still referred to them as a married couple. I know that sometimes when we are too broken we tend to look for support from someone we have never met. Just vet that this is no rebound.

Also, phone sex, web sex and real sex are all different things. It may be different when we see and when we do.

I wish you good luck and lots of love.

Smiles,
RainbowMan

PS: Love is never wasted.

‘My Husband Doesn’t Respect Me’

Dear RainbowMan,

I'm a married woman since 15 years. I was working as a mechanical engineer before marriage. We have 2 kids now. First a daughter and then a son.

Everything was fine after our daughter but my in-laws behaviour towards me was very bad. In fact I was just being used as a door mat or a bonded maid for life. My husband never stood by me when his sister and mom would accuse me for not being helpful. He would always say "what all you might have done for them to accuse you ".

Later after 4 years I had a son who’s a toddler now and all of a sudden everything has changed from my sister in law to my mom in law and my husband. I'm very happy for that change.

I don't know why I have lost interest in sex with my husband. I don't know I'm not able to give the same respect to him. I do all the house hold work and do take care of kids and when it comes to doing his work and sex I'm just not interested.

I don't know what’s happening to me. Is it because he’s spineless when it comes to supporting me or else is he gender biased about his kids else he now has realised my true value I don't know but I do know that sexually speaking, things are not normal. I may not be attracted to him. And cherry of all the problems while having sex he’s a dead man. I have to start everything and I should kiss him and pamper him.

I mean heights man. I am done with comforting him all these years. I can’t anymore. I'm just not able to understand if I am being judgemental about what he is. Or is it the toddler who s draining my energy. I don't know. Please help me.

Regards,
Troubled Wife

Dear Troubled Wife,

Thank you for opening your heart to me. For starters, let me just candidly share that you have a good vision of your life and the challenges you are facing. I am glad that you are able to articulate it with utmost honesty.

No one should have the right to treat you like a door mat. And no one should have the power to dictate rules to anyone else. Your in-laws have no right to treat you that way.

Speaking about your husband not taking your side, I would like to acknowledge that it is a difficult spot for anyone to be torn between mother, sister and wife with all three women with a version of their narrative. That said, there is no excuse for insensitivity. If you have been treated like a doormat in front of him and he turns a blind eye, he definitely needs to be told off and be given a reality check.

He needs to know that it is not just by design but by choice you chose to make - the choice of living with his family. He needs to be grateful for the fact that it is you who has left your family to live with him and his family. That deserves respect.

Regarding sex, in all probability, it could be a fall out of the tension between you both. With time, hopefully, things will get better when things get better. Deal with the relationship first. Sex next.

Smiles,
RainbowMan

‘My Husband Has Insecurities And It’s Affecting Our Sex Life’

Dear RainbowMan,

My husband is the kindest soul ever and I am the luckiest woman alive to have him. I kid you not. Unfortunately, he is a bit on the plumper side and that has affected his confidence a lot. He is also insecure in bed.

He never had this issue with his ex-girlfriends which make me even more insecure. And there are resultant fights because it leaves me frustrated sometimes and I end up comparing myself with all of them and feel even worse.

Please know that I know he loves me and he feels terrible about the whole situation and he apologizes profusely when he cannot perform. I hate that he feels so bad about this.

Please let me know a solution to this. He doesn't want to seek professional help and I guess it's playing on his ego a bit.

What do I do?

Woman-In-Stress

Dear Woman-In-Stress,

Thank you for writing to me. I am so glad that you have a wonderful husband. Sometimes, we just need to have enough kindness in the world, glad that your partner is a kind man.

Even the kindest of people could have the strongest of insecurities. I am glad that you both are vocal to each other about this. The first step in solving any problem is acknowledging the existence of the problem. Now the second step is more tough as it involves a lot of patience and understanding.

If your husband is insecure about his weight, make sure that you make him feel secure. Sometimes insecurities kick in late in life. I would suggest that you don’t compare this insecurity with how secure he was previously.  

Times change, new fears emerge. Maybe, he had insecurities even before with his previous girlfriends, but only found the courage to acknowledge the same to his life partner.

Do not bring his weight in conversations. Hug him deeply, tell him you love him. Be patient. I would suggest that your reply to his insecurity should be love and patience. Give him time. I am not asking you to fake anything. I am just asking you to exercise restraint in telling him that you are upset. Maybe that’s what the real true test of love is – reciprocating with patience.

Also, please coax him to see a counsellor. Counselling helps. Greatly.

Smiles,
Rainbow Man

PS: Love cures everything. Everything.

(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to [e-mail].)

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)