Sexolve 196: My Boyfriend Wants an Open Relationship, I Don’t!
“After so many years of love and sex, my boyfriend popped the question – should we open our relationship?”
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As are here below:
My Boyfriend Wants to Keep It Open, I Don’t
I am a 27-year-old woman, madly, completely, desirably in love with a 28-year-old man. We have been in this relationship since the past 3 years. Over time, we have grown in strength.
However, after so many years of love and sex and appreciation of our bodies, suddenly my boyfriend popped the question – should we open our relationship.
He basically wanted to have sex with this one girl in his office who is after him. I was aghast. I did not approve of the idea. He then proposed that all three of us – the colleague girl, he and I get into a threesome so that I get comfortable with the idea. I gave it a thought. I am not comfortable with it. However, I reluctantly agreed to him going with her and now I see messages and love on his phone, practically every day. I don’t know what I am getting into. I don’t know if I signed up for this?
Thank you for writing in. I am certain that things get better for us when we spell things out and analyse it from another lens.
Firstly, let me congratulate you for your three years of love. Love is magical, isn’t it? We all tend to do things for our heart more often than we do things for ourselves.
You and your partner are two different individuals. You have your own independent desires and independent joys that you accumulate even in your collaborative relationship. You have some “dont’s” and he may also have some “dont’s”. You put your dislikes aside for him to enjoy.
It is a myth that relationships require sacrifice. I believe relationships require deep conversations at every step, it requires adaptations at every step. These conversations should be on equal ground and one should not agree to things just because one fears losing them if they don’t.
If you are not okay with him seeing another person or having an open relationship in general, he should know about it in no uncertain terms. You should tell him so with no shadow of a doubt.
When you agree to something on the insistence of someone else, it only leads to unfavourable outcomes like the unbearable feeling.
There are some non-negotiables in every relationship.
Maybe it is time you define those. It is also important that you speak up and explain the non-negotiables.
I know sometimes it is easier said than done, but do try and bring your focus back to the fact that you should not agree to something to just please people or to keep the relationship afloat. People who love will also ensure that their loved ones are not hurt because of their decisions. Please have a hearty talk with your partner, do not adopt an accusatory tone, but be stern in telling him what you like and what you do not and what you are not willing to negotiate. Spell it out to him.
May love win!
P.S. Set your non-negotiables now.
How Do I Increase My Wife’s Interest In Sex
I am of 36 we have 14 years of married life. Most of the times my wife denies sex. How to increase the desire of my wife to have sex.
Dear Husband Waiting,
Dear Husband Waiting,
Thank you for writing in.
I know that it could sometimes be challenging when the mismatch in sexual appetite.
There are many reasons why someone may not want to have sex. And many times the problem may not lie in sex but the other factors.
Yes, please sit down with your wife and tell her what your desires are, but more importantly, ask her what her desires are.
Things could change with a few modifications. Maybe, you both could get better at sex if you went on a short vacation where you get to speak to each other without the daily chores.
There is hardly anything that a heart-to-heart conversation cannot solve. Please check with her if there is something that is putting her off and what will make her happy. You both could work on them and make things better.
Hope things get better for you both.
P.S. Things get better.
How Do I Reduce My Libido?
I am an unmarried man and I desire to have sex all the time. I don’t feel like doing anything else. Is there something that I could do to ensure that my desires are met and I don’t have to use my hands to masturbate. I am way too hassled. What can I do to reduce my desire to have sex?
I am so happy that you are articulating your feelings so well. Thank you for trusting in me.
Sexual desires are a part of life. They are not life.
Are there other things that you desire , like watching a play, listening to music, playing a sport, catching up on the latest film, reading a classic novel?
Yes, sex is what your heart desires, but sex is not all that your heart desires, Right? When other things gain prominence over sex in your mind, maybe the way you manage your desires could also change.
It is said that masturbation is not harmful per se. However, one should masturbate only when there is a strong urge and not obsess over it too much.
Please don’t hesitate in making an appointment with a psychologist if it gets too much for you to handle.
P.S. Sex, if any, do remember to use protection, and always seek consent.
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist.)
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