Sexolve 85: ‘All This Gay Pride Thing is a Tamasha’

Equal rights activist Harish Iyer answers all your doubts and queries about sex, sexuality and relationships.

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

‘I am 40 Years Old & Unable to Last Long’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 40-year-old man with a child. I’m having a problem that I feel very shy to discuss with anyone. I am not able to last long. The moment I put it inside my wife, it discharges. Please help. This is leading to frustration. I am very disturbed as I think I am not being able to love more, please help.

Worried Man

Dear Worried Man,

Thank you for having the courage to open up. Guess we open up to strangers more freely than we do to loved ones.

Firstly, I would advise you that it helps when we don’t measure the ability to love with the ability to last before an ejaculation. Your sex life may not and should not be a yardstick of your love life.

The method of withdrawing when you are supposed to orgasm and again starting after a pause, is helpful, I have heard. But what’s happening with you, is something that would need medical intervention.

Do visit a sexologist who could speak to you, counsel you and also treat you if there is any treatment required.

Keep your faith up.

Love,
RainbowMan

‘All This Gay Pride Thing is a Tamasha’

Hey RainbowMan,

I am genuinely asking you. Hope you don’t mind. I am heterosexual. I stand for gay rights and all that, but I don’t understand why you should take a procession on the streets to influence people. Young kids watch such things and may want to get into gay culture. I respect your choice, but can’t you guys just be who you are and be respected for that than doing a tamasha?

Thinking Straight

Dear Thinking Straight,

There have been two dozen marriages that I have attended in my family alone, all of them man-woman, heterosexual marriages. And as I write this to you, there are a zillion processions in different parts of the world. What is a baarat? What’s a marriage procession? It is a heteorsexual pride parade.

We have one pride parade, once a year, for the whole city.

Secondly, how do people get “influenced” that easily?

If you watch a gay person, would you turn gay? I have been watching heterosexual people all my life, everyone, from my parents to aunts and uncles and everyone in my family are heterosexual, I haven’t turned heterosexual.

Thirdly, thank you for respecting our choice. I respect your choice of being heterosexual as well.

I mean, sexuality is not a choice. If it was, when did you decide to be straight?

Fourthly, children should be told about all shades of love. And that love and gender is not monochrome. They should be explained that it is important to love and spread love and to not be bigoted or prejudiced about it.

Because some of these children would grow up to realise that they are LGBTIQ and they should know that it is okay. Because some of them could contemplate suicide or live in denial just to appease their families. Which you wouldn’t want for our future generations, right?

I hope you understand. I am just trying to share my point of view and not belittle you. Please do come to the pride on 3 February in Mumbai. Be one of us. Because we accept you, even though you are different and you don’t approve of us.

And we hope that some day, you would love us back too.

Much love,
RainbowMan

‘Why Don’t Rich & Famous People Come Out?’

Dear RainbowMan,

Can you tell me why don’t people like {insert name of a big Bollywood director/producer} come out? Wouldn’t that be helpful for all of us if he did? He has the privilege. Many don’t.

Curious Guy

Dear Curious Guy,

I have a fair idea of who you are referring to. And to answer your question – it would be nice if people came out about their gender and sexuality. It will definitely inspire more people to accept their sexuality.

But you know what – it is their prerogative. We believe they are privileged to come out. But maybe, the chances of getting bullied are much higher at the top.

And not everyone needs to spell out and say “I AM GAY”, they can say so in their deeds, their jokes, and in the way that they live their life. Do not judge anyone else’s life with the yardstick that you have chosen to define yours. If we have not lived their lives, guess we should not assume how they should feel.

Different strokes for different folks – no pun intended.

And well, the rich and mighty have their Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham moments too. Let’s not assume.

Smiles,
Rainbow Man

(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to [e-mail])

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)