Sexolve 110: ‘I’m a Man, and I’m Scared of Getting Raped’

“You are bigger, better, brighter than anyone around right now”, writes Harish Iyer.

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

‘I Am a Man & I Am Scared of Getting Raped by Men’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am very scared of getting raped by men in this city. People are always teasing me. Pinching my buttocks. One of them also forced me to perform oral sex on him. I am fed up of this constant bullying. I am really scared of protecting my life and dignity. Will I get raped? And if I get raped, will someone come to help me or will they wish me dead?

Worried Man

Dear Worried Man,

Thank you for sharing with me. Listen to me carefully.

You are bigger, better, brighter than anyone around right now. And that’s because you know what you are feeling you are in complete sync of your surroundings. And that makes you powerful. To beat fear, you need to understand fear.

I understand that fear sometimes lurks again and again in our head and it comes in concentric circles. You feel so entrapped by it at times that you see no place to escape.

It is at those times, when we cannot look at the larger picture, we should seek help from a qualified professional who can look at things from afar and tell you what they see.

Maybe they could see something that you cannot. Maybe they see you as someone stronger than what you think you are. Maybe, they see the wings you have under your arms, and maybe, with a little push of your mind, you could learn to use them to surge ahead.

Now, I want you to do something. Urgently.

I want you to call up The Humsafar Trust, you will get the number on www.humsafar.org. Please speak to Koninika Roy in Humsafar trust. She is a lovely human and an advocacy officer with the organisation. She will listen to you, or connect you to the right person, who can. Maybe it could be a better idea to visit them after taking an appointment.

You could also write to me personally and I will connect you to resources, depending on which part of the city you are located.

As someone who has been raped and who has come out of the fear of being mocked and raped again, I can tell you that with time, we could learn to live beyond these fears.

I am an example of the fact that things get better. We get stronger.

Regards,
RainbowMan.

P.S. I will email you my phone number. Also, do not hesitate to call on 100 if you are attacked anytime.

P.P.S. You will win. Believe me.

‘My Girlfriend Doesn’t Have Time For Me’

Dear RainbowMan,

I have a girlfriend who doesn’t have time for me. She is always busy with her work. She doesn’t meet me or talk to me like how she used to before. Is it because she is a woman? I feel like killing myself. Please help.

Upset Lover

Dear Upset Lover,

I don’t know your gender, so will refer to you as they. Because I believe love is love and people fall in love with people and people do not fall in love with genders.

I understand that sometimes we want the love to remain the same. It doesn’t. With time, love grows. Sometimes it drifts apart, sometimes it stays.

Change is the name of love. We should accept and embrace the change, as we would embrace the love. Non communication may not mean less love always.

It could also mean that she loves you more than before and understands that you would wait for her, your relationship has matured to a stage where it doesn’t need a constant reminder.

Give yourself time and space to relax and rejuvenate.

Please visit a mental health professional and speak to them. They may help you figure things that could make your relationship work.

A saner mind would attract a better relationship.

Hugs,
RainbowMan.

P.S. Speak to her. Politely, not anxiously.

‘My Husband Tosses Me Like a Volleyball in Bed’

Dear RainbowMan,

I have been very rigid in bed. And my husband doesn’t like it that way. He is an athlete and a volley ball player, so he is kind of an athlete in bed too! He thinks I am his volleyball. He likes to twist and twirl around (if you know what I mean). What can we do to make things better?

Mrs Volleyball

Dear Mrs VolleyBall,

First things first. Not all people who are athletes on the field are supermen in bed. It is a myth.

Also, there is a big difference between a bedroom and a stadium. I am certain that your husband should understand the difference between the too.

Do not agree to be tossed as a volleyball if you do not like being tossed around like that. Tell him that it is also his responsibility to love you the way you wish to be loved.

Sometimes the volleyball should also be willing to kick the player.

Regards,
RainbowMan.

P.S. SPEAK UP FOR YOUR DESIRES. BECAUSE ONLY YOU CAN.

(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to [e-mail].)

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)

(For more stories on sexual health, follow FIT)