Sexolve 151: ‘My Addiction To Masturbation Is Affecting My Memory’
“I think masturbation has affected my decision making ability along with my career.”
“I think masturbation has affected my decision making ability along with my career.”(Photo: iStockphoto)

Sexolve 151: ‘My Addiction To Masturbation Is Affecting My Memory’

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.

This week’s Q&As below:

‘My Addiction To Masturbation Is Affecting My Memory’

Dear Rainbow Man,

I am a 30-year-old male. I had started masturbating at the age of 14. Till date, I can't get over it. I still masturbate and am kind of addicted to it. I believe that this has affected my decision making ability (preferring short term pleasures over long-term ones, like career) and memory (I'm unable to remember things like I used to before). Since a year, I have lost interest in life and I don't feel excited anymore about anything (kind of in depression). I do not want to feel like that. I have even started jogging to feel better which is not really helping. Masturbation and porn addiction is highly affecting my career. I don't want to be affected by that any further. Kindly, advise me on how to get well with this.

Thanks and Regards

Starkid

“I feel my addiction is negatively impacting my career.”
“I feel my addiction is negatively impacting my career.”
(Photo: iStockphoto)

Dear Starkid,

Thank you for sharing with me. It takes courage to put our fingers in typing mode, especially when we are depressed. I am also happy that you are able to identify your challenges with utmost clarity.

Masturbation is not a bad practice. But an excess of anything or an obsession of anything calls for better control.

I would speak about porn also in the same vein. I personally do not mind it, unless it gets too much and interferes with personal life and growth.

There is no reason for anyone to feel guilty for masturbating. It is the obsession and the compulsive need for it that needs attention.

How is this affecting your career? Are sexual fantasies taking more time and focus off your career time… how about allotting some time in the day everyday for masturbation? How about just doing it while having bath?

Moreover, understand that masturbation and watching porn is something that you must be doing in the private. Will getting into a group activity, like a sport help? Or a hobby, like watching films? Maybe it is time you let your mind engage in those.

If you get a feeling of being depressed quite often, do not hesitate visiting a counsellor.

And when you visit a counsellor do share exactly what you are feeling. And do feel free to write back if you feel relieved after writing it to a friend.

Wish you good luck.

Smiles,
RainbowMan.

PS: Keep in touch. Write back.

Also Read : From Pregnancy to Acne: 10 Myths About Masturbation, Debunked

‘I Have Anal Warts, What Should I Do?’

Dear RainbowMan

I am a 27-year-old guy. I have tested for HIV and syphilis from Humsafar trust and results for both were negative. But I also want to get tested for other STD/STI's (like HSV,HPV, Chlamediya, gonorrhea and hepatitis B). I have anal warts (may be due to HPV). I’m worried about that. I went to Podar hospital for that and Dr said i have viral warts, and they will remove that using surgery/operation.

Is there any government/public hospital where i can get tested and treatment or i have to do from private clincs like Dr. SafeHands.

Please provide some advice.

Tensed Boy

“I think I may be suffering from a sexually-transmitted disease.”
“I think I may be suffering from a sexually-transmitted disease.”
(Photo: iStockphoto)

Dear Tensed Boy,

Thank you for writing in.

I am glad you proactively visited the Humsafar Trust and got tested for HIV.

I am not a doctor. You would need to check with a qualified doctor for any medical advice. I just can share my experience that I have because of my friends. If you are looking for a government hospital in Mumbai, Sion Hospital and KEM are possible locations where you could get operated.

I will connect you to an expert from Humsafar Trust. You could write to Shruta@Humsafar.org. She is the perfect person who will be in a better position to guide you to a doctor or suggest a hospital.

Regards,
Rainbow Man.

‘My Ex-Boyfriend Has Returned to My Life With HIV’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am terribly disturbed and feel very suicidal. I need help from you.

I am 27 years old and was in a relationship with this guy who I love dearly. Three years into the relationship, when I was posted in another city, he cheated on me with another guy. When I came back, it was all looking nice, in fact extra nice. He was extra kind towards me. He would buy me extra gifts. He would take extra time to cook me stuff. Though I was happy and basking in the glory of love, I found it was too good to be true. One day, I did the unthinkable thing of peeping into his phone. I found messages from a guy who was speaking about his sexual experience with my boyfriend. The chat was quite self-explanatory about the fact that they had anal and oral sex. I was aghast. I decided to confront my boyfriend. I went up to him and asked him if he cheated on me, and the moment I asked him that he began kissing me profusely. I was smart enough to not give in to his diversion tactics and asked him again if he cheated on me – he replied in the negative. I then told him very angrily that I had seen his WhatsApp messages. To that, rather than saying sorry, he blamed me for peeping into his phone and said that this is the reason why people like me don’t deserve love. He blamed me for doubting him and spying on him. I felt very bad. We didn’t speak for two days, and the third day, I received an email saying that he has broken up with me because I stalked him. I swear by god, this was the only time, I went against my own principles and peeped into his phone. I spent the next one year in self-harm and self-doubt. I thought I had wronged. And I had wronged, for peeping into his phone. I wished and prayed all day, and last week, my prayers were answered.

My boyfriend returned home and told me that he was sorry. He was in tears. When I asked him if he was fine, he said no. But he eased up a little. We also made love. I probed him for another two days and finally he told me that he is HIV+. I don’t know how to react to this. My boyfriend has not only cheated on me, he has come back with a virus. I am angry on him, I am angry on myself. I am hoping I also have HIV so that I can die with him. At least, I can die with him peacefully.

Troubled Waters

Also Read : Sexolve 150: ‘I Had Sex With HIV Positive Person. Do I Have It?’

Dear Troubled Waters,

Thank you for sharing your life with me in much detail. I wasn’t able to ascertain your gender from your email, however, I understand that my response is not going to be any different irrespective of your gender – whether, man, woman or trans.

It must have taken you a lot of effort to type these words. But sharing is also a very cathartic experience. I hope you are feeling better after clicking on send. I also hope you have a close friend with whom you can share your pangs in person. Nothing can compensate an empathetic ear of a dear friend.

Firstly, lets address the guilt part. I know you looked into your boyfriend’s phone and I also understand that you know that it wasn’t right on your part to do so. I agree with you. No one should peep into anyone else’s phone without their permission even if they are our soul-mates. However, it is also important to give yourself some credit and check what prompted you to do what you did. You did this because you were pushed to the limit. While I appreciate your integrity, I also urge you to cut yourself some slack for this deed.

Sometimes, it is a sort of defence mechanism.

When you are caught doing something wrong, you tend to shift the blame on someone else by magnifying the mistake that they did.

By doing so, they are able to successfully shift the guilt, that starts reflecting their feeling of guilt (or the lack of it), on the other person. Your boyfriend did just that.

What he did is inexcusable because I believe that both of you’ll had agreed on a committed relationship.

Do not give yourself any more grief on your decision to peep into his mobile phone. Remember, your guilt is his defence for letting someone peep into his whole life.

That said, let bygones be bygones. I do believe that people can repent and come back. I believe in the beauty of giving second chances. I am glad that your love has returned home to your arms.

I would just suggest that in loving him now, don’t forget loving yourself.  

Regarding his HIV status, it is a disease that is much tabooed. But seriously, it is just a disease. No disease is more powerful than love. The love you have for each other will win over this virus.

You could stop loving him for a lot of reasons, let HIV not be one of those.

It is possible to have a completely proper relationship with someone who is HIV+ as long as you use protection and as long as he keeps the viral load in control.

It can be done through ART treatment (Anti RetroViral) which is available in government hospitals. You could check with www.Humsafar.Org for more details on the same.

Since you had sex with him, I have to ask you to get yourself tested as well after a month. And always have sex with a condom.

Things will be fine. Things always get better.

Smiles,
RainbowMan.

PS: Love is stronger than the virus.

(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to sexolve@thequint.com)

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)

Also Read : Sexolve 150: ‘I Had Sex With HIV Positive Person. Do I Have It?’

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