Sexolve 142: ‘My Husband Beats Me During Sex’

‘Whatever your partner is doing is perfectly fine if there is mutual consent. It is rape when there is no consent.’

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

‘My Boyfriend Doesn’t Have Sex With Me’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 28-year-old man in love with a 39-year-old man. I don’t know if it’s his age or anything of the kind, but the love between us is reducing. We fell in love five years ago, we have been sharing the same roof for two years. Ever since we have come together in the same house, he has been showing signs of disinterest. He doesn’t love me anymore. I am quite certain. The worst is when it comes to sex. If he comes earlier than me, he just goes to the bathroom to clean himself and that is it. But when I come earlier than him, I am expected to please him sexually. There is a great difference in our expectations, I don’t want to lose him. Is this because he is old? Please help.

Drifting-Partner

Dear Drifting-Partner,

Thank you for sharing with me.

There are times when the one we love changes the way they show love. Change is a constant. People get used to each other and sometimes don’t seem to give the same importance that they used to before.

But maybe, they have matured in the relationship and have taken the relationship to the next level, where it is not a novelty anymore and they don’t feel the need to speak as romantically as they did before. Because what was romantic then, is family now... maybe, just hoping, it is an upgrade and not a downgrade in the relationship.

We take family for granted. Because we believe that our family will stay. Sometimes taking our loved ones for granted comes with love and confidence that our partners will not leave.

However, it is important that you share these emotions with your partner. When in doubt, don’t assume, ASK. Maybe he is busy with work. Maybe he has some stress. Just speak to him and sort this out.

Yes, there is a minute possibility that he has fallen out of love. But would you want to base your life’s decisions on the worst possible thing that could happen or the best one that is happening. I would choose the latter.

Smiles,
RainbowMan

P.S. Everyone is young in love. Age doesn’t matter.

‘My Husband Beats Me During Sex’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 36-year-old married woman. My husband is an a!@hole. It took me several years to even muster the courage to write this to you. We had an arranged marriage. Our sex was always good though we did only oral sex and intercourse. It was all hunky dory until one day he wanted to have sex with me in a more experimental way. He started whipping my buttocks with a cane and while it pained me and I begged him to stop, he didn’t listen at all. He respects me otherwise. This started becoming a regular thing. He would hit me every time we had sex. My consent was immaterial. Last month he crossed the limit in experimenting. He orgasmed in my mouth and also wanted me to clean him after he did his business. This was the limit. When I refused, he emotionally blackmailed me and when I still refused he beat me up with the same whip. I want to move out of the house and start my own life. I don’t like him or trust him. What do I do? How do I find support... what do I do? I don’t want to leave any stone unturned in trying to repair this relationship.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,
Troubled Wife

Dear Troubled Wife,

Sexual relationships between partners should always be with consent. This should be gender agnostic. Things could go quite out of hand if there is no respect in the relationship.

Consent is the best respect that someone could give their partner.

Your husband failed at respecting you. I would suggest that you bring it up with him when you both are in a non-sexual mood. Tell him that you do not like being part of sexual activities where you do not share the same interest as him. Try speaking just one last time, if you think it is worth it and since you feel strongly about not giving up without leaving any stone unturned.

If your husband still beats you up and misbehaves with you, just move to the court and demand divorce. Please do not keep giving him chances after chances. Do not do it to yourself. You don’t need to be in a relationship for the sake of being in one just because people want you to be in one. Your biggest responsibility is towards yourself.

Beyond normal and abnormal, is consent. What your husband is doing would have been perfectly fine if there was mutual consent. It is rape when there is no consent.

Love,
RainbowMan

P.S. Things get better.

‘I Have Three Testicles and They Ache’

Dear RainbowMan,

I have three testicles and my groin gets bulgy when I wear my pants. My groin looks huge because of this. I feel immense pain in my testicles when I wear my underwear.

Please help me with some medicine. Please help.

Scared Boy

Dear Scared Boy,

I am not qualified to respond to your question. I would want you to go to a doctor as soon as you can and fix an appointment for yourself.

Regards,
RainbowMan

P.S. NOW, visit the doctor NOW.

(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to [e-mail].)

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)