Sexolve 113: ‘My Husband Is Intimate With Others, Not Me’

“My husband and I don’t have sex (but)...He seems to be okay with other men touching him and cuddling him.”

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

‘My Husband Isn’t Intimate With Me But is Intimate With Others’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 37-year-old man. I have been married for seven years now. Not legally because it’s not legal, but mentally I consider my boyfriend to be my husband. We stayed together in the toughest moments of our life. We have been a part of each other’s joys and sorrows and have always been each other’s best friends.

Our families are also close to each other. But here’s the problem. My husband and I don’t have sex. We just cuddle up and sleep. Or rather, I cuddle him and sleep. He seems to be okay with other men touching him and cuddling him. He has had a dozen flings in the past seven years. I got to know from him itself. We are totally transparent with each other. When I discussed with him, he said that he feels differently for different people and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me. I think he has a point. However, I am very upset that he isn’t close to me physically or sexually.

Unhappily Married

Dear Unhappily Married,

Firstly, congratulations on having a husband. I know, you must have heard this before, but finding true love is rare. No relationship is perfect. They say it is perfect, but that’s an untruth. We all live in a make-believe world of happiness. We all have our challenges. That’s the truth. It is also true that friendship is the most important of all relationships.

Someone really close to me told me “if you cannot be friends, you cannot be anything”.

Now coming to the point. He had a dozen flings. I am glad he is being truthful, transparent and frank, which indeed is really good. However, was this the part of the pact of the relationship? If it was, and you agreed to it, then maybe that’s what he uses as his licence-to-thrill.

Relationships are not always linear. Things change, people change. At regular intervals, you would need to revisit and rearrange things in your life, including all the terms and conditions of your relationship.

Since you love him, expand your heart - trust him with your deepest insecurities. Be bare with him, not only about your outer self, but also trust him with your innermost fragile insecurities. Don’t get confrontational, but be exceptionally truthful about your feelings of being left high-and-dry while he enjoys.

Being truthful is a virtue, being insecure is not. However insecurity is human nature. As much as we love being in love, we also fear losing the love to someone else. And I dont think you are being unreasonable if you expect your partner to love you physically as he does with others. Of course people feel different things for different people, but you are not wrong if you expect that he shows love to your body. Explain to him. Discuss with him. Reevaluate your terms and conditions, if need be.

Smiles,
RainbowMan

P.S. If you say he is your husband, then he is your husband. Legality be damned, the heart is everything.

‘I Have Lost Everything’

Dear RainbowMan,

I have lost everything. My job, my love, my morale, everything has taken a beating. I am not a good son, not a good boyfriend, not a good colleague, not a good employee.

I am the worst human being. I leave people in a lurch. I feel I have only caused people pain, even those who love me. I leave them not because they are bad, but because I think they will be hurt when they are with me, hence I leave them before they can leave me. This is a pattern. I am so ashamed of myself and behave good only because I do not want people to recognise that I am actually someone with a dark side. I am so disturbed.

Depressed Man

Dear Depressed Man,

Thank you for writing to me. I understand that sometimes it takes a great deal of effort to just put your thoughts in an email.

I have been there. I may not understand how you are feeling right now, but I do understand that feeling as I have felt the same at many occassions in my life. There have been times when life has knocked me down. I have lost everything from the one I loved, to my job, to money to everything else. I have been pushed to the edge too.

However, when I held on for one more moment and looked through the windows of the mind that we have locked ourselves in, I could see a new world of hope and possibilities.

I wish that you hold on for a while more and look for that window.

You leave people because you will hurt them? It is nice that you are protective, but those who love you signed up not just for the happy-you, but also the part of you that is sad and unhappy and angry. Why underestimate or restrict your lovers from loving you at your worst as much as you allow them to love them at your best?

Give your life a chance. Give your heart a chance. Give yourself a chance. One moment more. One day more. One breath more.

If you feel suicidal anytime, kindly call Aasra : 022 27546669 or iCall at 022-25521111.

I want you to believe that this sadness is a phase, just as happiness. Let this phase phase out.

Wish you all the love and happiness.

Smiles,
RainbowMan.

P.S. I will also email you my personal number. Do call if you feel like talking to a friend anytime.

‘My Husband Falls Asleep While Sex’

Dear RainbowMan,

I have been in a relationship for the past 15 years. I am 50 now and so is my husband. My husband of late has been behaving weird. He sleeps off while having sex. I get very angry because of this. He was always wonderful in bed. How do I deal with this?

Angry Wifey

Dear Angry Wifey,

There is no reverse ageing in real life. Your husband is getting older and so are you. As we age, our physiology and body processes also age. We feel more sleepy more easily and our lethargy is more pronounced.

Your husband deserves a little more empathy and discount for his age. Maybe this is the true test of love. Are you able to love him at his not-so-wonderful in bed years?

Do not hesitate about visiting a sexologist. Open up and share it all. I am sure there is a solution. But there is no better solution than empathy.

Smiles,
RainbowMan

P.S. Love makes things better. Love away.

(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to [e-mail].)

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)

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