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Sexolve 116: ‘My Partner Doesn’t Share Expenses’

Patronising a gender, may sometimes be more insulting than actually attacking the gender, writes Harish Iyer.

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Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.

This week’s Q&As below:

‘My Partner Doesn’t Share Expenses’

Patronising a gender, may sometimes be more insulting than actually attacking the gender, writes Harish Iyer.
“The constant reluctance of my partner to not share expenses is not going well with me anymore.”
(Photo: iStockphoto)

Dear RainbowMan,

I am in a relationship with a fab lady. We do have loads of issues yet we do come around almost all the time. One of them is sharing expenses. Whenever we go out, I pay the bill. Which was fine. However, the constant reluctance in her part to share the expenses be it outing or cab or anything is not going well with me anymore.

I have been brought up with the idea of equality and while I get the fact the “guy” usually pays for his date but the paying constantly is simply not acceptable to me.

When I tried to explain this and that we should go Dutch and that if it is truly out of her comfort zone, she should pitch in what ever she thinks is okay; we had an argument - a big disagreement. She even mentioned the same to her family which was quite embarrassing for me.

It's not that I can‘t afford to pay. But I find it repulsive that in the age of “feminism”, she has preferred the ‘rights’ over ‘duties’.

Some perspective can be helpful here.

Regards,
A Confused Amigo.

Dear Confused Amigo,

Thanks for sharing this with me. And thank you for being you.

I have also been brought up with values like “open the door for the lady”, “get up when a lady comes in the room” ,“dont ask a woman her age, and a man his wage”. These were regarded as “good manners”. And indeed they are good manners. But times change, and values need to be upgraded too. I don’t think it is chivalrous to hold the door for a woman anymore, I think it is chivalrous to hold the door for everyone in your group.

It is important for us to check our privilege as men. The way we behave with our female counterparts should be determined by the scale of opportunity and capability of both hetero partners. I gather that your partner is educated and probably employed as well. True empowerment would be if she gets up and says “hey let me foot the bill”. Maybe she watches way too many films from the 1950’s and 60’s where women were delicate darlings and princesses. She definitely needs a reality check.

I agree with you man, women are not lesser beings. Patronising a gender, may sometimes be more insulting than actually attacking the gender.

Sometimes we learn equality only after unlearning ‘the princess’ conditioning. Perhaps, your partner has a lot of unlearning to do.

Be patient with her. Sit her down in your dining table and sit next to her. Hold her hands and tell her very politely that you think of her as equal.

Tell her that you respect her enough to believe she can rise above stereotypes and be an equal in the house. Don’t show an iota of irritation on your face. Just say it with a lot of love.

I am sure that she has the ability to understand if she thinks deeply about what you uttered.

Smiles,
RainbowMan.

P.S. You are a good man. Best of luck!

‘I Feel Anxious Before & During Sex. What To Do?’

Patronising a gender, may sometimes be more insulting than actually attacking the gender, writes Harish Iyer.
“I feel very anxious before and during sex.”
(Photo: iStockphoto)

Dear RainbowMan,

I feel very anxious before and during sex due to a past shameful experience which was pointed out by my partner. I am married since 16 years and have two children. My partner says she rarely got orgasms during these 16 years. I had an erectile dysfunction issue during sex and am unable to ejaculate because of my past shameful experience. Please help.

Worried Husband

Dear Worried Husband,

Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your life with me. I am sure this would have taken some amount of courage and a lot of faith in me to click on “send”.

In your mail, I didn’t understand what is the “past shameful experience” means. I am certain though that past has no role to play in the present. I would suggest that you don’t mix up the tense here. We all will have happier lives if we learn from the past but always live in the present.

Is erectile dysfunction your self diagnosis or did some doctor diagnose the same as ED? Please visit a good qualified sexologist for a quick check up.

You could be losing your erection for multiple reasons ranging from mood swings to loss of excitement or also some traumatic experience. Leave it to your doctor and psychologist to decide. Ask your partner to come with you as well, if need be.

Do take good care of yourself.

Smiles,
Rainbowman.

PS Don’t worry, be happy.

‘I Like Dressing As a Girl. Am I a Transgender?’

Patronising a gender, may sometimes be more insulting than actually attacking the gender, writes Harish Iyer.
“I like dressing like a girl. Am I a transgender?”
(Photo: iStockphoto)

Dear RainbowMan,

I like dressing as a girl. I am a 47-year-old gay man. Of late, I have been feeling like getting my sex changed. Am I a transgender?

Confused Soul

Dear Confused Soul,

Thanks for sharing with me. I cannot claim to understand what you are going through, I can tell you though that what you are going through is not abnormal.

If you are born male and like to dress as a woman, you would be called a cross dresser. If you are a man and feel from within that you are a woman, then you are a transgender woman.

These are all wordy definitions. How can one’s spirit be imprisoned by the definition of a word. You could discover your gender at any age. It is age agnostic.

Get yourself a good doctor who would help you through the process and determine if you are good to transition.

Love,
RainbowMan.

PS Good luck.

(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to sexolve@thequint.com.)

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)

(For more stories on sexual health, follow FIT)

(At The Quint, we are answerable only to our audience. Play an active role in shaping our journalism by becoming a member. Because the truth is worth it.)

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