Sexolve 140: ‘Do Gays Always Remain Single? How Do I Find Love?’
Being queer, there’s no set handbook to find love or navigate relationships. Harish Iyer advises on LGBT love.
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As below:
‘Do Gay Men Like Me Always Remain Single?’
I am a 42-year-old man. I am single. I had a series of heartbreaks in relationships, it seems like heartbreak is the only regular pattern in my life. I am popular in my circle, and have very close friends. Though they all know about my sexuality, including my family and that I have dated men, I do not want the sea of judgments to cloud my life so I am keeping away from making any dramatic proclamations about my sexuality. Hope you activists don’t expect me to do that as a solution to everything. I keep trying to keep busy in my work so that I get known for my work and not my sexuality. Every time something mushy mushy happens, like the recent Valentine’s Day, my heart longs for a person who would love me. Do we gays only remain single all the time?
Looking forward to your response.
Thank you for writing in. I know the loss of love is a huge setback. But like they say, it is good to have loved and lost rather than not loved at all. I am glad that you had experiences of love, even if they didn’t last forever. I know of several who have never experienced the pain of a heartbreak or the warmth of love, you and I have had that privilege. Believe me, we have a lot to be grateful about.
As single gay men, when we age, we start acknowledging the fear of being alone one day.
Especially when everyone around us is happily or unhappily married and some are busy dropping their kids to school. I sail in the same boat. I have the same fears as you do. In fact, not just you and me, there are many queer persons and in general, single persons, who share the same fear. I have learnt over time that the only way of dealing with these fears is to acknowledge it and understand that sometimes, you are enough for yourself. The biggest love affair one could have, is with oneself. The more time we invest in ourselves – doing things we love, dating people we feel strongly but not like a relationship we will be happier. Yes, sometimes still we will get that nagging feeling of being all alone one day and it is okay to acknowledge the feeling but soon we need to ensure that we don’t dwell in it.
No, gays don’t remain single all the time. I know of several committed gay men. And they are happy too. You need to step out and interact with more people and listen to more stories of happiness. And then, you will realise that you see gay men in long never-ending relationships, and also single gay men who are absolutely happy.
Once you know both happy and unhappy people, why would you base your life perceptions on the possibility of sadness – the worst possibility, why not on happiness – the better possibility.
Regarding your decision to not come more out than what you are already… it is an individual decision, I am no one to force you. I am glad that your loved ones who are near and dear to you know about your truth.
PS: It Gets Better.
‘I’m Bisexual, Polyamorous, And There’s Trouble In Paradise’
I am a bisexual woman and my girlfriend is a lesbian. We both are polyamorous. However, she keeps doubting if I am dating a man. She is okay with polyamory as long as there is no man involved. Besides being jealous of it, she also thinks that I will get some disease. How do I tackle this? I am fed up of all the fights that we have, our relationship is going through a tough patch. I want to keep her and this relationship and I need urgent advice.
Bi The Way
Dear Bi The Way,
Thank you for writing in. It is very challenging and traumatic when people who we love do not understand us. The brighter side – I am glad that you have someone who loves you and who you love dearly. I appreciate your love for your partner and your intention of keeping the relationship. Sometimes the best thing people think is to walk away from the relationship, you are such a breath of fresh air and positive vibes.
Bisexuality is largely misunderstood; persons who are capable of love regardless of the person’s gender. But since we live in a world where heterosexuality is the norm and far more conveniently accepted, people assume that everyone would settle for the person of the other populous gender. That’s untrue.
Love doesn’t look for convenience, it looks for that ticklish feeling in your heart, looking at someone you are hugely attracted to.
I believe that the relationship rules are best decided by the couple themselves. I cannot tell you what rules should apply in your relationship. But I can tell you that you both need to have a calm and quiet strategy meeting very soon. You should keep emotions aside and sit across a dining table and ask each other how you wish to define your relationship.
Relationships are not a one-time thing. To stay with a person forever, you need to fall in love with the same person again and again. You sometimes would have to change the rules or shuffle your rules to ensure that no one loses love or interest. Guess it is time for that.
Both of you’ll need that moment. You should give that time and space and dignity to each other so that you can redefine your relationship and recalibrate the rules.
I am sure it will work fine, if you both put your mind into it, instead of your hearts.
PS: Remember, falling in love with her, again and again.
‘I Have a Big Penis, Will It Hurt My Partner?’
I am 28 years old and a virgin. I have a big pen. Would it hurt my girlfriend or wife?
Dear Big Man,
I hope you mean PENIS. If that’s the case, well, you have to have technique and focus on pleasure of your partner as much as you have the focus on your pleasure. Ask if it is hurting, stop if she asks you to stop. I think with these golden rules sex could be pleasurable for both of you.
On the other hand, if you are really thinking of the “PEN”, as in the writing pen, then no, please no, do not put foreign objects (except tested pleasure toys) inside your partner’s body.
PS: Orgasm mubaarak, in advance.
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