Sexolve 93: ‘My Tinder Date Became a Case of Obsessive Love’

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s weekly column on sex and relationships on FIT.

Updated03 Mar 2018, 09:25 PM IST
Sexolve
5 min read

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.

This week’s Q&As below:

‘My Casual Tinder Date Became a Case of Obsessive Love’

Please don’t put up with nonsensical behaviour just because you don’t want to create a storm.
Please don’t put up with nonsensical behaviour just because you don’t want to create a storm.
(Photo: iStockphoto)

Dear RainbowMan,

I have never been a fan of app dating. However, just for kicks, I started off my exploration of tinder. The mere excitement of swiping right on photos was a great way to feel good about myself. However, last week, I decided to meet someone I matched with but things turned a little ugly. He had stalked me on Facebook and knew everything about me. It was creepy!

Now, he has incessantly been calling me everyday and insisting that we meet. It’s just one date but it seems that he is head over heels in love with me. The guy seems one of the obsessive type. I haven't told him that I don’t appreciate. I just fake pleasantries. I am worried. What should I do?

Tender In Tinder

Dear Tender In Tinder,

Thanks for sharing. Dating in today’s times, could get a little too challenging in terms of privacy. I should confess, even before a business meeting, I tend to check the person I am meeting on LinkedIn and Facebook in advance. Of course, it gets a little too complicated when it is not about professional dealings but personal leanings. And there is a difference between stalking and research. The difference is the purpose for which it is done.

I think, you should muster the courage to tell your stalker that you do not appreciate what he is doing. Please don’t put up with nonsensical behaviour just because you don’t want to create a storm.

There is no better way of putting something that is bitter than saying it as is.

Ensure though that you are doing this without anger, with compassion and without even an iota of rudeness. You will need to handle this delicately.

Also, don’t expect miraculous results. Give it time. Give it effort rather than just wishing him away magically. I am not saying it is your fault in anyway, but it is always good to be frank with Romeos so that they don’t mistake your kindness as a signal for the next Shakespearean sequel.

Weigh your words but say what you really feel.

Smiles,

RainbowMan.

‘I Don’t Communicate With My Husband, Though We Live Under the Same Roof’

He said that he wanted to take a break and be alone for a while. Since then, despite the fact that we live in the same house, we have no communication.
He said that he wanted to take a break and be alone for a while. Since then, despite the fact that we live in the same house, we have no communication.
(Photo: iStockphoto)

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a married woman. My husband and I are of the same age. I had a love marriage, when we were 36. We got married after dating for 4 years. We decided to not have a child as we both are career oriented and also, we didnt think it was necessary to have a child to cement our relationship.

Everything was going fine, until my husband sank into manic depressive moods after his company collapsed a year back. There was no sex. There was no love. There was only a feeling of comfort that we needed to find in each other. Sometimes, he would even shun that. A month back, he said that he wanted to take a break and be alone for a while. Since then, despite the fact that we live in the same house, we have no communication.

We live like room mates. Will things get any better?

Worried Spouse

Dear Worried Spouse,

You are an understanding spouse. A very understanding one. You have great deal of patience to deal with this, and rightly so, because I don’t see you pulling on with this without an overflowing supply of patience and love. I am glad that you have him in the same house so you could check on him. I am really glad that you are giving him his space.

However, I would also suggest that you keep chatting with him on and off, so that he doesn’t get into a horrible depressive spell that ripples in circles and ends up engulfing the whole of him.

Speak to him and understand what he is going through. Do not assume it is depression. Depression is a psychiatric term and shouldn’t be used loosely without proper diagnoses. That brings me to the next point.

Please ensure that he visits a psychiatrist. Just as we visit a doctor for our other illnesses, we should visit a psychiatrist for mental health issues. Let the doctor gauge the case. Do not get into the self diagnosis or internet diagnosis mode.

I think when depression or any mental health issue sets in, one needs to deal with it with a great deal of maturity and understanding. I thank you for being understanding towards your spouse. You should realise that you are 3 people in a relationship, you, your partner and mental health.

You have to take care of your mental health too. I suggest that you see a counsellor as well.

This would take a great deal of patience and love and care from your end. It is not easy till here, it will not be easy ahead too. You need to ask yourself if you are ready for this test of patience. If you are ready to be unloved and unfelt and not be acknowledged.

If your partner really has depression, you need to understand that there would be moments when your husband will be nihilistic, and feel nothing. At those moments, you need to ask yourself – is this worth it. If the answer you get is NO, then abort. Suggest him a counsellor and ensure he gets help and leave. If you think the answer is a YES, then go on. Fill your heart with all the love and care. Find yourself the best support available and help him cope.

Ask me specifically what I would do in your place, and I would share the quote that I read somewhere, “There are too many mediocre things in life, let love not be one of them.”

Love,

RainbowMan.

‘I Am Unable to Achieve Orgasms’

Masturbation is more than just a play of hands. It is mental stimulation by thinking of something that would arouse you sexually.
Masturbation is more than just a play of hands. It is mental stimulation by thinking of something that would arouse you sexually.
(Photo: iStockphoto)

Dear RainbowMan,

I have been getting night falls for every 20 days or so. However, when I masturbate, I get no orgasms. I have never generated sperms with my hands. How can I do that?

Generator

Dear Generator,

Masturbation is more than just a play of hands. It is mental stimulation by thinking of something that would arouse you sexually. Some people orgasm at 5 minutes, some at 2 and some take a lot of time to sperm. Give it time, give it effort. And if you think it doesnt work, visit a sexologist.

Regards,

RainbowMan.

(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to sexolve@thequint.com)

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)

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Published: 03 Mar 2018, 09:14 PM IST

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