Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.
This week’s Q&As below:
‘My Boyfriend Cheated On Me and Left, Then Started Messaging Again’
Dear RainbowMan,
I'm a 24-year-old girl and my boyfriend is 23. It's been 4 years that we’ve been in a relationship. But in the past few months we’ve been facing problems and we fight for no reason. Recently, he started lying to me. He hung out with my female college friends without saying a word to me about the same. We are very good to each other, we've also had sex in the past years.
But last week I got to know that he is dating another girl since 6 months. When I asked about it to him he didn't clear his stance, but simply told me to be "just friends" with him.
Now, 2 weeks after breakup, he messages me as normally as any lover would. (sweet good night and good morning messages and kisses et al)
I'm very confused and stuck in the situation. I have no clue, what I should do and what not. I love him so much but now he only wants a “just friends” kind of thing from me. But on the other hand, he also told me that he has left all the girls in his life, now he is single and can't handle any relationship anymore. When I asked him about these sudden sweet messages that he sends, he said that it is out of courtesy. But tell me, does this mean that he still feels for me, or is it that he is just guilty for what he did to me?
Please advice me what is right to do in this situation. Should I accept his friendship or not? I wait for him or not?
Should I decide to move on or not?
I find myself very isolated right now I think many times to end my life but this emotion stops me that he will return to me.
Will he return to me?
Sunshine
Dear Sunshine,
One of the biggest treasures in life is to find love. I am so glad that you found one and revelled in every bit of it. Not many are lucky to find that kind of love that’s passionate and compassionate. So congratulations on that.
Love is not a destination, it is a journey. And in this journey, people change, times change, love changes.
As people grow, their relationships grow too. Familiarity with each other sometimes also results in knowing each other too much that you become one person, rather than being two people in love.
In some cases, people fall in love with each other because they are intrigued by each other’s mysteries. However, when you unearth the mysteries, nothing remains for us to discover. In this case, the love still remains, however, the relationship takes a new shape as you know the other person so well, that you have nothing to unearth. The initial reason of falling in love – discovery of each other – seems to have been achieved in this case. So one may choose to discuss and move on to be intrigued by other people.
True love doesn’t die, sunshine. Love is a polymorph. As it grows it takes different forms.
Do not hate yourself for loving him. Love yourself for loving him. I know love calls for expectations. However, you can expect for yourself and not influence or calibrate the expectations and desires of another person.
Maybe, he loves you in ways different from that you would want him to. Maybe your love for each other has taken different forms over the years.
I am not asking you to stop loving him. Love is a beautiful feeling. I am asking you to start focussing on your life beyond him.
Rather than spending your life expecting that someone changes their perception of love with regards to you, it would be nice to use that time concentrating on things and people you love.
Perhaps the best thing about having a broken heart is that, you know that your heart is not bereft of emotions and that it beats and aches and is still alive.
It may take you some effort to get up and believe in love again. I want you to make that attempt.
Also, do not hesitate to see a psychologist if you get suicidal thoughts. Your life is precious. You are precious.
Love
RainbowMan
PS: When love leaves, leave the door open for love to walk in too. Maybe not the same lover, but still love.
‘I Need Weed’
Dear RainbowMan,
I have heard that marijuana helps in sex. Where can I find it?
In-Need-of-Weed
Dear In-Need-of-Weed,
Marijuana is illegal in India. Drug dealing is not one of my professions or expertise (unfortunately).
There have been discussions about the medicinal properties of marijuana and also a debate in several countries to make it legal as it has therapeutic value, however, as of now it is illegal in our nation.
Smiles
RainbowMan
PS: Instead, be high on life
(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to sexolve@thequint.com.)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)
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