Sexolve 133: ‘My Husband Isn’t Intimate With Me, Is He Gay?’
“I left my husband who was never intimate with me. Should I go back?” Harish Iyer answers doubts on love and sex.
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to email@example.com.
This week’s Q&As below:
‘I Have a Small Penis, Can I Become a Father?’
I am a 25-year-old man, I am from Southern India, now settled in United States. I have some queries regarding sex and I am confused whether these are real problems or not. I have three things to share.
1. I feel so bad when I see my penis due to its size which is approximately 4.1 inches and specially when I see porn. I worry whether I will satisfy my partner after marriage or not. Can I become a father in life or not?
2. I masturbate twice a month only. Is it bad and should I stop it? Will it affect my future sex life and is masturbation the reason for my small penis size?
3. Last important thing. I like she-males more than women. I prefer anal sex and get titillated by their feet also. I am not so fond of their penis. I even like cross-dressers who look like female. When I masturbate I usually started fingering in my ass recently but I am not interested in men and don’t like males. So, does it mean I am becoming gay?
Help me as soon as possible. Thank you.
Dear Worried Boy,
Thank you so much for trusting me, a stranger, with what you are grappling with. Let me try answering all your questions one by one.
To answer your first question regarding the size of your penis, let me share at the outset that it would be advisable that you speak to a sexologist. However, as someone who has been sexually active with men, I can say that it is often the technique and not the size that matters when you are in a sexual encounter with someone. Also, there are many ways to satisfy one’s partner besides penetrative sex. There are many positions in the kamasutra, not all involve penile penetration.
Regarding your question about masturbation, masturbate only when you feel the urge to. Don’t do it because you have to – because you don’t really have to. However, there are are millions of sperms in a single ejaculate. And it takes around 24-36 hours on an average for a normal body to replenish the sperms. Of these, only one sperm needs to impregnate the egg. Hope that puts your mind in rest?
Coming to your third query, we often want to put ourselves in boxes of gay and bi and straight. We analyse and overanalyse our sexual behaviour to fit into these boxes. The fact that you like transwomen and cross-dressers (those are the words – she-males is offensive) or the fact that you are someone with a foot fetish and loves anal sex doesn’t mean you have to automatically start considering yourself gay or bisexual.
Our attractions are beyond worldly definitions. It may give you comfort to know you belong somewhere within a certain box, but you don’t have to box yourself necessarily. Your attractions are simply your preferences, I would suggest that you don’t try to put a label on them of gay or straight or anything else.
You will get better. Things will get better. They always do when we accept ourselves and are not in a constant fight with our own selves.
PS: Get yourself a personal appointment with a qualified sexologist for more.
‘My Husband Isn’t Intimate With Me, Is He Gay?’
I am a 32-year-old married to a man of 33 who seems to be straight but I found something weird about him before marriage. However, there was very less time to know him as it was a chat-mangani-pat-vyah.
After our wedding, on the first night he watched TV with Comedy Circus that he is a big fan of. He just dozed off on the sofa while watching it.
Later on even in the honeymoon he packed our schedule with so many events outside so that we do not have to go and spend time in the hotel. I found this very weird and asked him about this, he simply told me that he thinks everything between us was normal (which wasn't).
I even met a doctor and told all the facts about my husband being aloof and that he doesn’t touch or kiss or converse with me, he just goes directly for a very mechanical penetrative sexual intercourse without any intimacy or romance.
The doctor came to a conclusion that he could be having priapism.
But am not sure if he has priapism or is he gay?
Things soon soured up between us as he showed no signs of improvement or acceptance of his challenges, I eventually left him. He is still insistent though. He wants me back to serve his family and wants to keep up his image of being happily married.
But I simply cannot go back to him, especially when I know he has betrayed me used my innocence and furthermore, is now acting like nothing happened and blaming on me of accusing him falsely.
His family even brought a certificate stating that is he is normal straight guy. But I know the fact that he is not for sure.
Please help me with what this might be. Thank you.
Woman Seeking Answers
I know when love and affection seems all a farce, it also tears every bit of us apart.
Half-hearted love making is worse than not having any physical intimacy at all. That’s why it is so important to communicate and tell what you really feel, especially when it comes to the subject of physical intimacy.
As per your mail, I gather that your partner didn’t explain what he was feeling, even when you asked him and would have probably even helped him deal with his challenges if he had any. You made attempts, and left him when he showed no consideration to your words or sought any psychological or medical counselling. In my honest opinion, you did the right thing.
You do not have to go back to him for the upkeep of his social image. You need to decide to stand up for your dignity.
You are not wrong in standing up for yourself. You did your bit.
I cannot comment on his sexual orientation or his medical condition, however, I do know of people who are straight and who are not cuddly or intimate in any way and simply want to go for the intercourse.
Whether it is a medical condition like Priapism where his penis stays erect for hours, or whether it is his sexual orientation that he was probably hiding, immaterial. You didn’t get the respect of an open hearted conversation from him, so you did the right thing of leaving him.
If he is gay, then, he shouldn’t have gotten married to you in the first place. We can say he had marriage pressure from his parents, but from your standpoint, you have been wronged. You deserved the respect of knowing the truth. Even if you find out that he is gay, it is not that you would go back to him, so what will this change.
I understand that you feel cornered by the insistence of his family, but the onus of finding the truth is not on you. Don’t burden yourself with it. I know it is difficult to live a life in which you are blamed and seen as unreasonable – but a meaningful reasoning is all that you were asking him for in the first place when you addressed his sexuality.
Options are – he discusses this issue with you, or he simply stays away from you forever – I suggest you give him no third option.
PS: Things get better. They take time, sometimes, but eventually, they get better.
‘I’m Only Attracted to Older Men’
I am a 22-year-old girl and I get attracted to only 40 plus age old men. I haven’t been sexually abused, and I am a virgin. I wonder if i am sinning?
Our sexual attractions are shaped due to many things. Sexual abuse or previous sexual encounter may or may not be a dominant factor in this. So don’t beat yourself with this question.
Love is not sin. Attraction is not sin. And as long as sex is consensual and with an adult, it is not sin.
PS: Love is ageless. (At least, that's what I believe.)
(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org.)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)
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