Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.
This week’s Q&As below:
'My Partner Wants to Have a Threesome, I Don’t'
Dear RainbowMan,
I am a 28 year old gay man. I have been in a relationship with a guy, who is a year younger than me since the past 4 years. I call him my partner. We have been so much in love and have enough respect for each other. We respect each other’s space, we respect each other’s political views, we respect each other’s bodies and respect the fact that we are two different individuals with independent minds of our own. I have been very sure of my sexuality and so has he. However, there is something that is causing a kind of rift between us. The only time we both face each other in terms of our thoughts, ideas, ideals and views colliding with each other, is when we have sex. That’s a time when we need to achieve not just tolerance for differences, but also find the common ground of pleasure. I should tell you, RainbowMan, that we have some real good sex. We somehow don’t like the same things, and it helps. Because I like to bottom (get F!@ked) and he likes to Top (to fu@#) . Everything is good, sex is good, relationship is good… he is poetry. But something had to go wrong. Murphy’s law. My boyfriend and I were watching porn where there are two men having sex and are interrupted by a woman and then all 3 have sex with each other. My boyfriend wants to try that with me and him and this other girl. I seriously have no problem with him going and doing anything with anyone else. I don’t want to be a party to this. One of his office colleagues, a woman, is all over him and has discussed the possibility of a threesome with him and me. I am unable to say NO. I am too scared. I don’t want to come across as the bad guy who is not in for experimenting in sex at the same time forget sex, I am cheesed out by the idea of even being naked in front of a woman. I am too worried that this difference of opinion will ruin our sexual and emotional relationship and my boyfriend and I will grow apart. Also, I wonder if my boyfriend is bisexual. He says he is gay and he just wants to experiment, but I wonder why? Please help me see sense.
Regards,
TwoSome
Dear TwoSome,
Thank you for writing in.
I love the fact that you both as a couple have not ended up being one person. You have your own individual selves and your own distinct likings.
While we adjust to each other in a relationship, it should not be at the cost of individual space or thought.
It would be nice if strive to maintain it that way because, frankly that’s the most beautiful thing – that you can have respect for your own space, and his, and also clearly define what your shared space would be.
Regarding your partner’s friend, irrespective of the gender, feel no pressure to fit into the idea of another’s thoughts.
If your partner can propose the idea of a threesome, you can also refuse it, if you don’t approve of it or like it.
No, your partner is not turning bisexual if he has sex with a woman. He is bisexual only if he tells you he is bisexual. There are many gay men who have consensual sex with women and vice versa. It could be done while experimenting or exploring or even confirming by double-checking their sexual orientation. It doesn’t necessarily mean that he is bisexual. As I said, he is bisexual only if he tells you that he is bisexual. This exploration, experimentation or fantasy, could just be that – a fantasy that he is trying to fulfil.
As a couple, you and your partner, need to decide the terms of your relationship. Four years is a long time. Just as you have an appraisal at work every year, you need to appraise the relationship terms and mentally sign in whenever there is a new possibility that arises.
It is not for any third person to define what you would want the boundaries of your relationship to be (or whether you want any boundaries at all).
Don’t give in to his demands just because you fear losing him. The fact that you are compromising isn’t saving the relationship anyway.
You love him because you are able to be yourself, and he is able to be himself in the relationship. When that changes due to pressure that you exert on yourself by going against your wishes, the complete equation of the relationship could take a beating.
I think a discussion between you and your partner is long pending. Sit down with him and tell him what you are okay with and what you are not. Tell him what you will engage in, and what you will not. Ask him too, hear him out. Check where you can have a common ground. There is nothing that cannot be solved with a discussion.
Love,
RainbowMan
Tip: be the truest version of you with him.
‘My Wife Is Now Politically Right Leaning’
Dear RainbowMan,
My wife and I were always together in terms of our political beliefs. We have always been left-leaning, communist even, but this is changing. My wife is leaning right now and I am not liking the way it is changing her. I have read your posts on social media, and your views are like mine. How do I bring her to the right side, to the left, away from this force?
Regards,
Left of centre.
Dear Left of Centre,
Thank you for writing in and for following me on social media.
How do you know that your wife is right-leaning? Did she tell you that? Or did you assume because she supported something that was termed as “right”? Either way, she is her own person. She has her own mind. She will walk the path she chooses. Don’t try to “force” your beliefs on her.
It is good that you have plurality of opinions at your place. You will have more room for discussions and debates. It is amazing, as long as it can be civil and one could listen to our partner’s point of view patiently without forcing your views on them.
You could be left-leaning and support something that is done right by the right-wing, and you could be right-wing and also appreciate something good done by the left. You could have different approaches to solving issues.
We need a world that needs more tolerance. In fact, I wish that we move further, from tolerance to acceptance.
I repeat, make your point. But don’t make changing her mind the sole agenda of your life. She is her own person. She will listen to you and make her own mind.
Smiles,
RainbowMan
P.S. Let her be.
‘I Come Too Quickly’
Dear RainbowMan,
I am not able to last too long in bed. What do I do to increase my stamina? Are there any pills? Any exercises?
Regards
Raj, Mumbai
Dear Raj,
At the outset, I would suggest that you visit a sexologist. One would need more information about this to suggest anything. Only a qualified doctor can prescribe pills.
Regarding exercises, I know one that's more of a mental training. The method of masturbating and diverting your thought when you are close to an orgasm, is something that could be followed. It will teach our body more control.
However nothing can be an alternative to meeting a doctor. Please see one.
Regards
RainbowMan
P.S. There should be no fear or shame in sharing with the doctor.
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)
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