Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.
This week’s Q&As below:
'My Wife Doesn’t Have Sex After Delivery'
Dear RainbowMan,
Please solve my problem, I got married just 2 years back. Now i have a baby, but after the delivery of our child, my wife denies intercourse most of the time, and now this has become an issue between me and my wife.
Do suggest what I should do.
Regards
HubbyJaan
Dear HubbyJaan
Thank you for writing to me. Firstly, belated congratulations on your marriage and for being a parent. Lets always never cease to count our blessings.
I can imagine that sex after childbirth could be different from what it was before for a woman.
When it is not our lived experience, perhaps, somewhere our empathy fails and what remains is just a very deep understanding of love. You possibly cannot feel exactly how a woman post pregnancy feels like. Maybe you could ask what bothers her most about child birth and why she is not consenting.
I would very strongly recommend that you have a heart-to-heart conversation with your wife. Ask her if she is facing issues like pain post pregnancy. Tell her that you could take her to the doctor. If there is a medical issue, please be patient and understanding. You also have the option of visiting a sexologist and discussing with them.
Things get better when we discuss things.
Smiles
RainbowMan
P.S. It Gets Better
'My Husbands Farts During Sex'
Dear RainbowMan,
I am a 28-year-old woman from USA. I recently got married to a guy who is 2 years older than me. We dated for over a year before deciding to get married. We both had plenty of sex before marriage and continue to enjoy a great sex life. We love each other and everything is fine. In fact, more than fine. However, there is one big issue. Of late, my husband has been behaving a little weird in bed. He passes gas when we are having sex. And this is the very pungent kind of gas. He doesn’t excuse himself, he doesn’t even say sorry. So it's kind of awkward to interact with him at that moment… I am shell shocked about what we need to do to make things better.
Worried Wifey
Dear Worried Wifey,
Thank you for writing in. I understand that sometimes when everything seems to be travelling in the right direction, something also goes awry. However the challenge you are facing could be sorted.
I believe that we cannot always assume that people understand etiquettes. Sometimes they need to be told in those many words. I suggest you take up the responsibility of the same. Broach the topic and discuss the issue of farts with your partner.
Seek to discuss with him, without making him embarrassed about it. It would be a nice idea to not discuss it when you are in the middle of a consensual sexual act. Choose a time when you both are alone in a private place other than the spot where you have sex.
Make this a moment of discussion and not a moment of confrontation. Understand from him, if he has physical challenges in regulating his gas or is it just a habit to be uninhibited and to be uncaring about how it affects his partners.
Things change when we discuss things openly and freely.
You may be surprised that some of the most woke people could also be blissfully unaware of the discomfort they are causing. Unfortunately, sometimes the onus is on loved ones, to hold the mirror to them.
Your partner may be inconsiderate, your partner may just be free and comfortable with you to an extent that he doesn’t mind passing gas in front of you, your partner could also be someone who needs urgent help but is shy to ask for it. Either ways, things could definitely get better when we discuss openly with our loved ones. He may need medical attention too and maybe, just maybe, he is also going through a social embarrassment because of this habit he is not able to control.
Hugs,
RainbowMan
P.S. Go with him to the doctor.
"I Want to Marry a Girl and Keep My Boyfriend Too"
Dear RainbowMan,
I am a man from the north of India. I am 29. I have reached the stage of my life that I was scared of – I am of marriageable age now. The problem is that I am gay. I have had a steady partner for over 5 years now. We wanted to get married to each other but we know that that is not possible because even when my boyfriend is willing I don’t want to bring shame to my family by not getting married. I cannot come out to my family. Also, my father wants to see me bring home a wife before he dies. I want to fulfil his wishes. My problem is that my boyfriend doesn’t understand this and gets very angry. How do I convince him that he and I can still have a relationship after my marriage with a girl. He doesn’t want me to get married and says he will not be in a relationship with me if I get married. He loves me, he says so, but how could there be love with conditions applied. I don’t want to lose him. Please help me
Regards,
Troubled Soul
Dear Troubled Soul,
Thank you so much for writing in. It is amazing that you have a loved one in your life who loves you.
It may be sometimes nice to expect unconditional love, but that also may not be realistic all the time to keep in the relationship like always especially when the dynamics and the equations of the relationship changes.
I know you want the love to be the same, you want nothing to change. However, time is a bitch. It sometimes makes bonds stonger, sometimes it brings great bridges of love to the ground. Sometimes we keep loving, but we love distance more. Sometimes we change the way we love.
Love is a Polymorph.
To expect that someone loves us the same way all the time when the whole equation of the relationship changes and you prioritise someone else in your life to just appear wise to the world is not fair to your male partner.
Also, did you even realise that the one who is facing the maximum brunt of your decisions, is your future wife? She will basically be signing up for something without reading what the contents of the agreement are.
In a bid to keep your head held high and to fulfil the wishes of your father, but what about her hopes, her desires and her dreams of finding true love that loves her back without bias, without conditions and without compromise. They would all be sacrificed.
And how does your marriage to a woman exactly bring repute to your family?
You are making a decision that you will get married and “bring home” a wife, who will listen to you, will love her captor, who will be beautiful and dutiful.
But caged birds don’t celebrate life even if they seem like they do, they sing songs of unrequited love of having a dash of clouds under their untied wings.
What makes you assume that you will “bring home” a wife. I mean, she is not a cauliflower. She has her own free will. She has her own independent desires. She is her own being. And how much reputation would you be left with when your wife decides to value her rights over her plight. What would happen when she speaks up, drags you to court? Where would your family’s reputation be when she realises that enough is enough.
To tell a lie could seem a fancy thing, but to live a lie is a life of shame but to spoil someone’s life is more than that – it is a moral, social and legal sin.
Why would you want to do that? Make her life a living hell and make your father’s desires the reason for it. In the bargain, you would lose the love of your loving boyfriend and go far away from the life of truth.
If you can come out to your family, come out. But only after you live independently and only after acclimatising your family about the fact that homosexuals are as real and valid as anyone else.
To expect that your parents would accept your sexuality when they are not even aware about it or have a bag full of misconceptions about it is expecting too much. Just allow yourself time.
I wish we had a life where we could always have the cake and eat it too. But sadly life is not so easy. And people are not cakes. You cant have life your way all the time. Your boyfriend has his feelings too. He has the right to decide to date the kind of guy he wants to and maybe a married man is not in his list.
If you can’t come out to your family – POSTPONE. Postpone your marriage. Find any excuse. Find any reason. Postpone it. If you need to get out of home and live independently, do so to save the torture of daily pressures.
Don’t give up a life of truth, for a life of lie. Don’t ruin a life and expect respect in return. Don’t do this to her. Don’t do this to your father. Don’t do this to your boyfriend and more importantly, don’t do this to yourself.
Stand up for yourself. Stand up for the real core of the real you. Stand up because you can.
Things will get better. Believe in it.
Regards
RainbowMan
P.S. Listen to Bob Marley’s Get up, stand up, stand up for your rights!
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)
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