Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.
This week’s Q&As below:
Three Month Relationship and Marriage Plans
Dear RainbowMan,
I have been in a relationship with a woman for the past 3 months. We are planning to get married soon. Everyone tells us that this is soon to get married, but we are sure about us. How do we convince our parents? I think they are very limited by their idea of a relationship. They want me to marry only if we are still dating after 2 years. The problem is that that the girl has marriage pressure and she cannot wait any longer. She is already 30 and I am 31. Are my parents justified? How do I proceed?
Ready To Marry
Dear Mister Ready To Marry,
Thank you for writing in and congratulations on finding someone you love so much. To find love is a beautiful feeling. You feel out of the world. I am glad that you are feeling like this now.
I should say, it is not true that relationships that have stayed on for a certain period will stay on like that forever. However, marriage is not only a commitment for life, but also a financial decision in many ways. It should be a well thought out decision. Your folks are not incorrect in being cautious and warning you.
If you would ask me personally, I don’t think the length of the relationship really means compatibility forever. Just that the longer you live with the person, more are the chances of knowing more unknown facets about the person. The more you live with the person you would also understand if you are able to adjust to them.
But it is also true that we discover more facets about a person every day. And it is a choice of heart that we make, where we invest our heart in the person despite the person not being perfect.
You are a full grown adult. You are responsible for the decisions you take. You have to live a life with your lover/partner. You have to take the decision. Your parents can guard you, they can guide you, but they can’t live your life for you. So be prudent, be thoughtful, be futuristic in your approach in this matter and take the decision with your own will.
You and your partner are responsible for your decisions. No one else.
Regards,
RainbowMan.
p.s. let your heart lead you, let your mind tell you.
'I'm a Gay Man Facing Marriage Pressure'
Dear RainbowMan,
I am a gay man in his late 20s. I am very disturbed now. My family does not accept that I am gay and they have planned to get me married with a girl from a similar family. The girl is very homely and nice. However, I am not sexually inclined. I am unable to see myself with a woman in matrimony. I want to see myself with a man. I didn’t want to lie, so I met her and told her that I am gay. To my utter surprise, she said that my past didn’t matter to her and she believes that I will change after marriage. I told her that it could be difficult to do so. She said it will not be. I told her I have a boyfriend. She said she will meet my boyfriend and I can keep him as my boyfriend after marriage also. On a parallel line, my boyfriend is turning out to be a real prick. He is leaving me because I didn’t stand by him or for my sexuality. I did but he is a jerk. But I have to marry as all my options have exhausted. I feel terrible. Please help me see clarity.
Caught-in-between
Dear Mister Caught In Between,
Thank you for writing in. I understand the fact that to have unaccepting folks could mean a lot of emotional stress.
There comes a moment in time, when we realise that the burden of living a lie, is far more than the struggle of accepting the truth. There comes a time in life, when we have to stand up for ourselves. The time is now.
It is you who is living your life. No one else is going to live it for you. You will outlive your parents. You will live with your wife. Are you ready for it?
You are not a yo-yo ball with your strings in the hands of your mother or your prospective bride. You have to stand up for yourself and your sexuality.
You will get married against your will? then you will have sex against your will? you will then have children against your will? So, you will write your entire life off that way to a lie. The other option is standing up. It comes with a little bit of guts and lots of gumption and drama, however, the end result is not the product of a lie. So stand up. Stand up for yourself.
Coming to your prospective bride, I don’t know the reasons why she is willing to be a lab mouse. In fact, I don’t think lab mice should be in labs either. However, this is not just about her willingness, but your willingness with her. Your consent is not secondary to her consent. Her consent doesn’t mean, you have to consent to the same. Get that?
Regarding your boyfriend, he is his own person. Why do you think he would want to be tangled in this web and feel disposable in the end. He is human to feel neglected and cheated. His love life is sacrificed in this matrimonial compromise. He is justified in his anger.
In the end, please stand up for yourself. Stand up before it is too late. You cannot live an entire life on the foundation of a lie. To live this lie will be devastating for you, your future(hopefully not) wife, your family.
Seek counselling. Please speak to an LGBT group in your city. You may find support from locals. You could also write to Sweekar, a group of parents of LGBTIQ people https://www.facebook.com/SweekarTheRainbowParents/ you could check with them, if they would like to intervene and speak to your parents.
Things can get better. Just stand up.
Love,
RainbowMan
P.S. Get up. Stand up.
I am Missing My Periods And My Boyfriend Doubts Me
Dear RainbowMan,
My boyfriend and I regularly have sex. He doesn’t prefer using a condom. He loses his erection the moment he does. We use the withdraw technique when we f!@k so that no sperm falls inside my vagina. I have missed my periods this time and all he can say is that I am so horny all the time that I must have caught hold of someone and done something and now will blame him for it. I have never had sex outside our relationship. Please help. How do I convince him.
Ms Worried.
Dear Ms Worried,
Thank you for writing in. A relationship between two people should be built on the bedrock principle of compassion, besides love. Perhaps it is a good time to ask yourself if there is compassion in your relationship.
You have shared that he doesn’t prefer using the condom. However, the more important question is – WHAT DO YOU PREFER. WHAT DO YOU WANT? Do not put yourself and your needs last in this relationship.
And this ‘withdraw at the orgasm’ method is quite a dangerous one. You know right… it takes only one sperm to fertilize an egg and a single drop of semen ideally has thousands of sperms. Do give this some deep thought.
Your boyfriend might suggest that you go on pills to stop any possibility of fertilisation. However, I have heard that’s not advisable always. Please do consult a gynecologist before taking pills and familiarise yourself with what happens in this case. Also get a pregnancy test done / visit a gynecologist
Now coming to your boyfriend’s doubts, how dare he? First tell me… do you really want to spend time finding ways to convince him? What is the guarantee that he will not behave like this in future. I think you should have a heart-to-heart conversation with him.
Do this. Compose yourself. Sit down across the table with him. Make no physical contact. Tell him that you do not appreciate him doubting your character. Tell him that if you want the relationship to proceed, you would want it to be based on love, understanding and most importantly, with no compromise on self-respect of either of you two. Lay down the terms of the relationship. Tell him what you are not okay with.
Whatever the consequence of the conversation, please make this a well thought out decision. You may need to engage the services of a mental health professional who would listen to you and also lay out the facts of the larger picture, that you may be oblivious to, as you are the one in the picture.
Please shut his nonsense. Please stand up for yourself. Others can guide you, no one can fight your battles for you. It is you, yourself. And the truth is, you are enough for yourself. You are strong enough for yourself.
Love
RainbowMan
P.S. visit a counsellor.
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