Sexolve 188: ‘My Girlfriend Refuses to Have Sex With Me’

“Loving and making love are two different things”, writes Harish Iyer in this week’s Sexolve.

4 min read
“I have been in a relationship for the past 3 years. My problem is that my girlfriend does not want me to penetrate her.”

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to

This week’s Q&As below:

‘My Girlfriend Doesn’t Have Sex With Me’

“I asked her if she loves me, she said does.”
“I asked her if she loves me, she said does.”
(Photo: iStock)

Dear RainbowMan,

I have been in a relationship for the past 3 years. My problem is that my girlfriend does not want me to penetrate her. She says she has some issues. When I ask her what these are, she said that she cannot tell me. I asked her if she loves me, she said she does. However, last week I saw her with another guy. She was so comfortable with him. They were not having sex. They were just holding hands in a romantic manner. I wonder why she is cheating on me. I want her to be happy. Could you please help me?

In anticipation of a response,


Dear Lost In Love,

Thank you so much for writing in.

Loving and making love are two different things. Sometimes they follow each other, sometimes they are independent of each other.

Just because your girlfriend doesn’t have sex with you, doesn’t necessarily mean that she doesn’t love you. Sex and love could be in different boxes, independent of each other. Not everyone is open regarding speaking about sex. I am glad you are, maybe she would take her own time to proceed on this front.

Please understand that NO is a complete sentence.

Give her the time and be patient with her. Don’t obsessively insist. Don’t persuade over a point. Check with her if she would like to see a counselor. Check with her if there is something that is bothering her. Keep it in the realm of a healthy discussion and don’t take it to the level of persuasion.

Regarding the man you spotted with her, why not have a healthy conversation about it with her rather than sitting and conjecturing what they must have been doing with each other? Keep the conversation in the conversation zone and do not ever adopt an accusatory tone.

Things will be fine. They always get better with a good healthy conversation.



P.S. Things get better.

‘I Am in Love With a Girl, Does She Love Me?’

“Sometimes I really want to try to forget her, but I am unable to.”
“Sometimes I really want to try to forget her, but I am unable to.”
(Photo: iStock)

Dear Rainbowman

I have just turned 18, and I am in love with a girl.

I met her two years back, then didn’t meet for another year until this year.

I really love her so much. I got the message that she knows I love her, but she always acts normal in front of me as if nothing's there. Sometimes I really want to try to forget her, but I am unable to.

If I don't see her for some days, I feel like nothing's there but once I see her again, my heart start beating fast and I want her again. Above all, I am too afraid to tell her about my feelings myself. So, is there any way that I can know, if she also loves me?

Please help, it’ll mean a lot.

Boy In Love

Dear Lover Boy,

Thank you for writing in. At the outset, I just hope that the girl in question is an adult. Assuming so, I am so happy that you have found someone your heart beats fast for. I am sure words would have fallen short to explain what she means to you.

I will not belittle you for your age. I believe the young have the power to change the world and the old are capable of being immature. So let me assure you at the outset, what I tell you, will not be age specific, but will cater to the emotions that you have shared.

I wish we had a way of finding out what people thought of us. Maybe having a device that captured emotions and classified them as ‘friendly’, ‘loving’ or ‘hateful’ would have been nice. At the present, it is practically impossible to read another’s mind. 

I would suggest that you give your beating heart some exercise. Let it drive you to her for a conversation. Get to know her more. Give her the chance to know more about you. Understand each other better.

Silences speak louder than words. Assumptions, speak louder than love.

Give her a call. Meet her for coffee. Engage with her. Things will get better if things are done with consent.



P.S. Consent is key.

‘Do Men Have Two Penises?’

“What do they mean when we say ‘grow a pair’?”
“What do they mean when we say ‘grow a pair’?”
(Photo: iStock)

Dear RainbowMan

I am a 20-year-old. I am a girl who neither has had sex nor knows much about it. My question is weird. Do all men have two penises? What do they mean when we say “grow a pair”?


Confused Girl

Dear Confused Girl.

It is the normal that people have only one penis. However, there is an abnormal condition called Diphallia where people are seen with two penises. I should add that it is an extremely rare condition.

When they say ‘grow a pair’, they mean testicles. Testicles usually come in a pair.

I suggest that you youtube some videos for some gyan on male anatomy. I have found this educational video on youtube about the male anatomy for you.



(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)

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