Sexolve 204: ‘There Is a Third Man in Our Relationship’
“Love is not a forever bed of roses. There are some prickly thorns too,” says Harish Iyer in this week’s Sexolve.
(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As below:
‘My Parents Are Divorced, and Mother Is Seeing a New Man’
I am a 17-year-old girl from a broken home. My mother won my custody. She looks after me really well. I am in touch with my father too. He visits us once a week. They parted amicably and are still friends. My problem is that recently I found out that my mother has an affair with another man. She has been speaking to him every day ever since my parents had a divorce. I am scared that my mother would get married to him and that my new father will beat me up or abuse me in some other way. How do I protect myself?
Girl With Broken Dreams
Thank you so much for writing in. I know that separation brings in its own set of challenges emotionally. But sometimes, it is the best decision. I am glad that the separation happened amicably.
Life would be so boring, if one would have to be in a relationship just to save the relationship, while being unhappy together throughout.
Regarding your mother’s companion – guess one should give our parents the comfort of a conversation rather than the challenge of a confrontation. Speak to your mother, understand from her what her needs are. Don’t accuse her, converse with her. Tell her what your fears are. Give her the right to make her decisions in the end.
Your fears are valid, but your mother’s companion could be a kind, loving and generous man too. You may actually like him too. Just let your mind be open to all possibilities. It is good to be aware, but better to be open too.
P.S. Hope you find your answers and peace soon.
‘There Is a Third Man in Our Relationship’
I am a 28-year-old man going around with another man. I have been in love for the past 3 years. I have been in a happy place all this while, but seriously, since the past 4 days, he has been behaving kind of crazy. He stays just a stone throw away in the same complex, so we did find time and space to have sex. Sex has been bad. He is not as good as he was before. I have the strange thought that possibly he is seeing someone else that’s why he doesn’t indulge in me for his sexual needs. I think he is seeing someone during this lockdown. I saw him on Grindr. What was he doing on Grindr? If he was so committed to me, why was he on Grindr? He is definitely doing something, or rather doing someone. There is a third man in our relationship, I guess. Please help me. I don’t want to live with a cheat. Please help me. Please help me?
Committed Gay Man
Dear Committed Gay Man,
Thank you for writing in. I am glad that you had some amount of cosy time with your boyfriend. I should confess that I am a little jealous. I am sure that there are many people who are far away from people they love or want to make out with who must be thinking - this distance is such a bitch. Well, physical distancing in times of corona is a must. But guess since you both are in the same housing society, it wouldn’t have been much of a hassle. One ought to be a little safe during these trying times.
It is natural, though not healthy, to have feelings of jealousy and anger. Let’s always remember to not make a permanent decision on some feeling that is temporary.
You found out that your boyfriend is on Grindr, but you found that out when you were on Grindr? Why did you get on Grindr? Let me guess - because your common friend found him on Grindr? Or say, because you intuitively thought that he would be on Grindr. Either way, the thing you did is called spying. Why would you spy on your significant other, when you can speak to him directly and ask him what he feels?
Insecurities are not uncommon in relationships. Neither is drifting from a loved one unheard of. The solution is to not wear the mask of a detective and go spying on your loved ones. I suggest that you have a heart to heart conversation with your loved one. Speak to them and understand where they are coming from.
Love is not a forever bed of roses. There are some prickly thorns too. And you will be able to be at peace only if you discuss your prickly thorns – your insecurities, your inadequacies, your impatience.
Discuss! Have a dialogue. Be vulnerable with each other. Don’t make it a blame game tournament, but an honest heart-to-heart discussion. You may not agree with your partner, but you will discover that being frank and honest about everything you feel is the best thing that has happened to your relationship.
I wish you a happy life. Here’s wishing the best for you and your boyfriend.
P.S. Open your heart.
‘Something Got Inserted Inside My Anus’
I am a 22-year-old man. I don’t know what you will feel of me after I tell you that I am an escort. I have some very high priced clients of both the genders. I had been to Bangkok with a man and he inserted something inside my backside. I could feel a lot of pain but didn’t tell him anything because I didn’t want him to get disappointed and reduce my money. I am feeling a lot of pain now after a few months. What should I do?
Thank you for writing to me. Since you asked – I only feel that I have received a mail from someone who is seeking help. The fact that you get paid for offering sexual favours, doesn’t colour my impression of you. It is for you to find what work suits you and it is not for me to judge your work.
It is important to wear protective gear when you are working in a chemical factory and it is important to use condoms and lubricants when you are engaging in sex work. Work is work. Protection at work is protection at work.
Having said that, if you feel discomfort right now, you should definitely get an anal examination done by a good qualified doctor. I know we sometimes fear judgements, but it is important to find the courage to share frankly with the doctor so that they can help diagnose better.
Please visit the doctor, right now.
P.S. You will get better. Here’s wishing you good health.
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)
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