Sexolve 205: 'I Think My Wife is Cheating on Me'
"Love takes effort – it is the effort of understanding and adjusting " says Harish Iyer in this week’s Sexolve.
(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As below:
'My Boyfriend Wants Me to Have Sex With Another Woman'
I am a 32-year-old spinster woman. I am still figuring out my life and want to see where I go with my relationships. I have been seeing this guy for over two years now. We have been actually away since the lockdown. We are in two different cities. We have been regular on phone and speak about the physical touch we miss. The issue is that he has been jerking off to some crazy lessie porn. Now, no problem with him having that fantasy. He shocked me yesterday though by asking me if I could have sex with his lesbian friend who also is my neighbour. I thought he was joking, but realised he was serious when he shared text messages from my neighbour to him. She told him that she fantasised me. He, in turn, promised her that he can “make it happen”, but under the condition that she videocalls him and streams our lesbian act live on video call to him. The girl, all of 22, is fine with this. Is this normal? Is this a normal fantasy? Look, my boyfriend is not a bad guy or anything like that. But I don’t feel towards women, just feel that he has the right to pleasure and if it is for his pleasure I will do this on his birthday which is coming soon. I don’t have a problem, but I don’t feel that way. I don’t know what to do? I know love takes effort. This is my effort, I am thinking?
Dear Confused Woman,
Thank you for sharing something so private with me. Thank you for your trust.
Yes, love takes effort – it is the effort of understanding, adjusting and extending oneself to symbiotic kindness.
I wouldn’t say ever that love is easy. To find love is amazing. To find love that loves you back is incredible. To keep at it, is an everyday toil of adjustments we make. However, these adjustments should be with complete consent and one should not be emotionally blackmailed to do something that they don’t feel strongly about.
What is your boyfriend trying to achieve by watching your neighbour and you make out? Why wouldn’t he want to pleasure himself in other ways? Isn’t there too much risk involved in exposing your sexual act to your partner?
I am not judging your partner for watching any kind of porn that he wants to watch. But to expect you to enact it without actually initially seeking your consent for it is not something that one would take lightly. I would have definitely been furious about this.
Transmission of such material through could even land up in social media with a little lapse. Please take care of yourself. I would suggest that you don’t do this. Please find innovative things to gift him on his birthday.
P.S. True love can handle little rejection.
'My Wife Is Cheating on Me, I Think'
I got married 3 years ago and my wife is 2 years younger than me. Ours was a love marriage. We had dated for 5 years before we got married. Even in our first meeting with each other, we had sex. We had sex every night we were together. Now it has been 3 months that we have not had sex at all. She is just not interested. Last week I saw her speaking to someone on the phone. I presume she is having sex with him. I am really certain because she is a woman who needs a lot of sex. Such a woman cannot stay without sex for 3 months. Now I need your help in testing her for cheating. I mean how can I test her for cheating. I don’t feel like she is honest? I cannot check her phone. She keeps some complicated password. How can you help me?
Dear Upset Husband,
You have had 8 years of a relationship with your wife. I am sure that all these 8 years wouldn’t have been the same. You would have discovered many things about her, she would have discovered many things about you. You would have had your good days, your bad days, and your excellent days. If you look back at your life, you could possibly pinpoint that things have not exactly been the same throughout.
People have the possibility of growing intimate with each other when they live together but this doesn’t mean that they don’t grow independently, independent of each other.
If she doesn’t have sex with you, maybe, she doesn’t want to have sex at the moment. That’s it. Maybe she doesn’t feel the urge to have sex. Maybe she wants to abstain for a while. The real reason only she would know. So, please sit down with her. Ask her what she is feeling. Tell her what your urges are. Seek her inputs and understand her desires too. How did you assume that she is dating someone else or having sex with someone else? What led you to think like that? Don’t assume – discuss.
Don’t jump into conclusions without giving your partner and your relationship the dignity of a proper discussion.
And please don’t stoop in your own eyes and in the eyes of the law and humanity, by spying on your partner’s mobile phone. You can do better than that.
P.S. Speak, Don’t Spy.
'The More I Have Sex, the More My Testes Grow'
I am a 22-year-old gay boy with a more than active sex life. I am a top in sex. I think my testicles are growing according to the frequency of sex. I mean, they were small before, now they are really huge. Today morning I felt a lumpy feeling in my testicles. Also, now when I wear my skinny jeans, my testicles outline shows in my pant. It is embarrassing. Please help me. Whats happening?
Dear Big Boy, Thank you for writing in.
I am not sure if your assumption that your testicles are growing according to your frequency of sex is true. Please visit a qualified doctor to check the same.
Again, I think the lumpy feeling is something that needs to be investigated by a doctor. I request you to rush to a doctor and get a thorough examination of your testicles done. As a general rule, homosexual or heterosexual or bisexual, irrespective - please do practice safe sex.
Regarding your testes let them breathe too. One should wear an underwear that helps air reach your private parts too. Boxers are good. At least do ensure that you keep it all airy down there, when you are sleeping every night.
P.S. Appointment with doctor – NOW.
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)
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