Sexolve 217: ‘My Husband Is Addicted to Television’
Sexolve is Harish Iyer’s weekly column where he answers your love, sex and relationship queries.
(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to email@example.com.
This week’s Q&As are below:
‘Is My Wife Secretly a Lesbian?’
I am a 31-year-old man. I am happily married and my wife is very loving and kind. We had an arranged marriage, but it was all with our consent. Both of us have had an affair with someone of the same sex before the wedding. While my affair was short-lived, because I soon realized that I was interested in women more than men, my wife had a steamy affair with a friend of hers. Together they have traveled through the length and breadth of India and London. Her family is not conservative and she says that her parents knew that she and her friend were having a thing with each other. However, as she grew older, they kind of parted, and that was the time her alliance was available for my folks to check on. We both met each other and we got married after we agreed that we like each other. It was after our first night when she told me that she had an affair with a woman. I also confessed to having slept with my boyfriend. We were all so even. It didn’t bother us. We actually liked being with each other. We made out like rabbits. Everything was fine, I thought. There was something peculiar in the way she would want me to make out with her – she only liked me going down on her. She likes me performing cunnilingus every time. Is this because she is a lesbian? At first, it was new, I liked doing it, but now, it seems like this is the only thing she wants me to do. She doesn’t do anything at all on me. Also, she doesn’t like me penetrating her vagina with my penis. I either have to do it with my fingers or enter her from behind. She doesn’t like my penis to enter her vagina. Is this basically because she is a lesbian who hates men? I got adapted to her even though I had sex with a man, how can she not get adapted to me? What is happening? Am I not desirable enough?
Dear Hub Be,
Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your life with me. At the outset, I think it is wonderful that you and your partner are having honest conversations about your past with each other.
Sexuality is a spectrum. And only the person can decide where they stand in the spectrum, no one else should or for that matter, can decide on that.
Sexual fantasies are very unique for every person. The same can also be said about pleasure points in the body. Our sexual fantasies and allied feelings are sometimes a sum total of our life incidences and experiences, besides some of these being innately tuned. Just because she likes a certain act – in this case – cunnilingus, it doesn’t become a test of her sexual orientation. She likes you going down on her, could just mean that - that she likes you going down on her. She and only she could know what her sexual orientation is.
I suggest that you focus on conversations rather than speculations.
Speak to her, tell her what your desires are. It may be a good idea to not have this conversation when you are “doing it”, but in a moment when you are focussed on conversing with each other without the rush of sexual emotions.
Consent is essential. Conversations are important. Have an open and honest conversation with her. Let the tone not be about demands but about sharing what your truest desires and fantasies are. Understand from her how she would like to take this forward. Check for her desires, her fears, her apprehensions, if any, about peno-vaginal sex.
If she is not comfortable sharing with you, do not keep insisting. Instead, suggest that you both could see a relationship counselor or a sexologist to achieve balance in both your expectations and reality.
P.S. Don’t assume. Ask.
‘I Am in Love With My Son’s Friend’
I have something to share with you. I am a woman past her prime in love with my son’s friend who is 23 years of age. He is a very close school friend of my son’s and fondly used to call me aunty. Now since my son has been visiting my husband who stays abroad, his friend has been visiting my house regularly to spend time with me and chat up. One day, when we were speaking to each other he leaned towards me and I smooched him. One thing led to another and he and I were soon in the bed making love madly to each other. It was fun, to be truthful. His visits became regular and he and I are now in a full-fledged affair. My son will be back when the lockdown opens up. Things may get a little awkward here. We are madly in love, but. How do I tell my son about this? How can I make this a win-win for everybody? And yes, my husband and I are separated. I am not single, though I am still married to my husband, though just technically so! My husband has an affair and stays with his girlfriend, and I am free to do so too. We don’t interfere with each other. We have just not filed for a divorce. It’s just a technicality.
Dear Aunty Jaan,
This is an intimate part of your life. Thank you for sharing this so honestly.
Let’s first look at this issue from your point of view.
You are an adult. And from the mail, I get that you are emotionally single, though legally you may be in a marriage. You have your feelings and desires. You have the right to pursue your heart and go where it leads you. As long as there is consent, as long as you or your partner have not been forced into it, and your partner is also a willing adult, it is no one’s business to judge you.
The fact that the person you are dating is of your son’s age shouldn’t matter as long as he is an adult and you both have complete and continuous consent in the affair and the act.
Now speaking from your boyfriend’s perspective – does he feel strongly for you? It would be worthwhile to understand from him about his plans and desires regarding this relationship that he shares with you. How does he feel about dating his friend’s mother? Does he feel guilty or awkward? Is he serious or does he think it is a fleeting moment for the time being with no permanency?
As far as your son goes, this needs to be dealt with delicately. If your boyfriend is very close to your son, this may have an impact on his friendship. First, I would suggest that you have a chat with your boyfriend and check with him how he feels about sharing the fact that you guys have an affair honestly with his friend – your son. Strategize with him and evaluate the possible outcomes.
Understand that you have control over what you wish to reveal to your son. However, how your son processes that information is totally his own decision.
You should be willing to accept the fact that your son may not approve of this relationship. He has the right to disapprove, be angry, or even feel cheated. Be prepared for all reactions, if and when you choose to tell your son.
None of the people involved here should hesitate to seek the assistance of a mental health professional if emotions run high. Mental health is important.
P.S. love > judgments
‘My Husband Is Addicted to Tarak Mehta Ka Ooltah Chashmah’
I am a 40-year-old woman, married for 8 years now.
The issue is that my husband won't have sex with me. He watches re-runs of Tarak Mehta Ka Ooltah Chashmah all night on youtube and sleeps on the sofa in front of the TV. For the life of me, I can't figure out how to make him come to bed and lie down next to me even. It is infuriating. One day I tried to be a bit sexy and started stripping in front of the TV during his show and he told me off saying "you do realize you're not transparent, don't you?" What the hell should I do?
Please tell me
Dear Home Maker,
Thank you for writing in. In this digital world, we could have several shows that we would be eager to watch on television or on youtube. However, if one gets so obsessed with it that it interferes with their daily lives and intimate relationships, it could become an issue that needs to be addressed.
I understand that you are concerned, but I don’t know if your partner is even in a state to acknowledge that he is not heeding to your desires. I would suggest that you have a one on one conversation with your partner over a non-romantic setting. Tell him what you feel and know from him how he wishes to address the challenge that you are facing in your relationship with him. Let this conversation be more on a practical ground almost like a business meeting, without any high decibel emotions.
If your partner consents, the most ideal would be to get a relationship counselor or a mental health professional to intervene and facilitate this open exchange of views between you and your partner.
P.S. Things could get clearer when we address the issues candidly.
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children, and animals.)
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