Sexolve 221: ‘I Want to Last Long in Bed to Satisfy My Wife’
Sexual satisfaction begins with a lot of compassion, writes Harish Iyer in this week’s Sexolve.
(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to email@example.com.
This week’s Q&As below:
‘I Want to Last Long in Bed’
I am a 32-year-old married guy, I have a very good relationship with my wife, but I have only one issue - during copulation, I get discharged very early. The first time, once I start the stroke, it takes 5-10 seconds. After an hour, if I try for the second round, then I am only able to go for 5-7 minutes. Could you please review my issue and let me know what I should do for the timing. If my timing will increase, then my sex life will improve and I will be able to satisfy my partner.
Waiting for your Feedback!
Dear Fast Train,
Thank you for trusting me with your intimate details.
At the outset, I firmly believe, it is important to discuss issues like these with a sexologist.
Sometimes, it helps when you retract your penis at the time of an approaching orgasm and restart again. Sometimes conversations are helpful to break the rhythm and sometimes just foreplay, oral sex could be helpful.
Trying giving yourself a break from copulation when you know that an orgasm is fast approaching.
Sexual satisfaction begins with a lot of compassion. It doesn’t always need to be the the act of copulation. It could also be conversations and the feeling of being treated with kindness and love.
Once this pandemic situation gets better, give yourself some time off from the regular chores. Go out on a vacation where you could steal moments for cuddles and kisses.
P.S. If you think it is not helping, please don’t hesitate in getting yourself an appointment with a sexologist.
‘I Got Intimate With My Friend and Then His Sister’
I am a 21-year-old man. Last week, when I stayed over at my friend’s place, I thought we both were alone so I was roaming about without a shirt and in my underwear. I had reached his home at around 9.30 PM after dinner. We had some drinks at his place and we both were ready to sleep. He was in his boxers and I was in my V cut underwear. In the night, he and I fooled around. We had done this before. He touched my penis and I touched his. We gave each other a hand job till he came. I take time to come, so I was stressed with unrelieved sexual tension. Don’t get me wrong, I am not gay. We just like to remove all our stress by jerking off each other. My problem this time is not the confusion about sexuality. We both, my friend and I, are very okay about this arrangement that we have. However, something has been eating me up. My friend has a spacious 3 BHK. One room was locked, I didn’t bother to ask. Late in the night when I was in my underwear and my friend was literally sleeping with his arms around me, I felt someone holding my penis. Half asleep, I realised that my friend has his arms around my chest so wondered why I felt someone grabbing my penis. Before I could realise, half asleep, totally drunk, I felt someone was giving me a blow job. I thought all of this was a fantasy. Until I woke up properly and realised that it was his elder sister’s mouth taking in my penis. What followed was 20 minutes of intense lovemaking with my friend lying with his arms still around my chest. I came after 20 minutes, with the sperm spurting on my friend’s chest. My friend was still asleep. Totally drunk. I don’t know if he knew anything in the night. But in the morning, he saw some sperm stains and asked me to not stain the bedsheet next time. I was feeling awkward. Now when I visit his house, his sister and I act as if there is nothing between us. It looks like she has erased the night from her memory. Otherwise, she is a very decent woman who is very traditional. My friend and I call her didi. My conscience is pricking me that I had sex with Didi right under my friend's nose. My friend and I have stopped jerking off each other and he is behaving a little odd with me. I wonder what I should do now. I miss jerking off sessions with my friend. I crave for his touch. I am still not gay, I have not become gay. I am not even Bi. I am straight. One of our common friends who know we fool around, teased me once saying that “you both should marry each other”. Don’t get me wrong, I am not homophobic, but I am just not homo or bi. This being one issue and the other, as I said, something is awfully wrong between me and his didi. Also, I don’t know if my friend knows about this or not. I wonder what I can do. I wonder what I should do. Please help.
Thank you for trusting me with your worries.
I can read two different things that you are speaking about. Let’s deal with them one by one.
Let me be very clear when I say this –
You don’t “become” gay, you don’t “become” bisexual and it is no one’s business to assume your sexuality. People sometimes have sexual interactions with friends of the same sex. Sometimes they even crave for it. However, one is gay or bisexual or heterosexual only when they say they are so. Rest are all assumptions.
You have a friend with whom you engage in sexual behaviour. Sometimes, it is good to just call it what it is without giving it the colour of sexuality.
Sexuality is a spectrum. Only you decide where you stand in that spectrum, or whether you oscillate in that spectrum. Accept no one’s definition of your sexuality, only you know best.
As long as it is sexual interaction between consenting adults, there is no one who should have any business to pass any comments. However, do remember that we cannot control what people think about us. If you are public about it, there will be comments and judgements. Either be prudent to not share intimate details, or be ready that not everyone will approve of it or be decent about it.
Sexual orientation/sexuality and sexual behaviour could be two different things. You may behave sexually with someone from the same-sex yet identify as heterosexual.
Now coming to your interaction with your friend’s sister – is it helping that you and his sister are choosing to not speak about it? Will it be a good idea to speak about it with each other and check with her if her brother knows about it too?
The act of ignoring the issue or wishing that it never happened doesn’t ensure that the tension it brings fades away too. While discussions are uncomfortable and could lead to solutions or even more discomfort, I believe in the long run, it helps in putting the issue to rest.
However, understand that while what you choose to discuss is under your control, the way they will react to you sharing the truth of the incident is completely their prerogative.
Be prepared for all reactions, positive, negative and lukewarm. Please ensure that you speak to a mental health practitioner regularly while you are doing this so that you have someone to speak to when you are in such stressful situations.
I wish you the very best.
P.S. Always believe - things get better.
Post 377, Is Beastiality Legal?
I have watched animal porn where humans have sex with animals. Does this happen in India? I am just curious? Now that section 377 is gone is it legal to do such things?
Regards, Curious Boy
Dear Curious Boy,
Thanks for your question. This is an important issue. And as an animal welfare activist, I have come across many such stories and have also intervened in some. Just a google search will reveal that there are many such cases.
Section 377 has not been abolished, it has been read down.
Under section 377, any kind of sex is not a criminal offence as long as it takes care of three things. 1. It is between adult humans, 2. It has the consent of the adult humans, 3. It is in private. Sex with an animal is a crime under section 377 of the Indian penal code.
Bestiality is cruel even if everything seems very enjoyable to the eye. I suggest you watch something nicer and kinder.
P.S. I watched Masaba Masaba yesterday on Netflix, it was so cool.
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)
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