Sexolve 225: ‘I Had a Threesome With My Husband and His Friend’

(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As are below:

‘I’m Worried About Bringing a Girl Home to My Orthodox Parents’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am born into a family that has very traditional values regarding periods and stuff. We have never spoken about sex with our family members, but we always knew which of my two sisters were having their periods as they would be sent out to our second flat to stay whenever they had their periods. My parents always say that this is a good traditional practice and a holy one, what is your point of view?

Now I am 28 and my family is looking for a girl for me to marry. Contrary to what is happening at my home front, my academic life has ensured that I get exposed to the best of cultures. My workplace, thereafter was also a place that fostered equality. Now, I have this age old tradition of women being pushed into corners during periods and I have my parents wishes to have me married. My issue is that if I get a woman home, she will be subjected to the same challenges. I don’t know how I could fulfil my parent’s wishes and also ensure that I am able to allow my wife the freedom from these horrible practices that subjugate women. I cant fight with my parents. I love my mother, I understand her point of view. My father is strict but he is also not bad when it comes to women or something. They all are nice and kind people, just way too orthodox. Please help.

Perplexed Man

Dear Perplexed Man,

Thank you for writing in. Not everything that is traditional is rational.

Times change and our beliefs need to evolve too in the same pace. When our beliefs stay stuck on to a moment in time, they tend to cause conflict.

I am really glad that you value your parents and understand the plight of women in your family who are subjected to discriminatory practices in the garb of customs and traditions.

It is argued that the tradition of keeping women away during menses was to ensure that they get rest from their highly strenuous work. The modern version of the same is “period leave” in corporate offices. I stand for period leave, but I cannot empathise over a point because I don’t menstruate and this is not my lived experience. I care enough to share though that regardless of gender, people who menstruate should not be forced to take leave or isolated or ostracised in any form.

Menstruation is not a disease, it is a body process. One shouldn’t be graded as holy or unholy because of that.

Regarding your marriage, let me put forth some facts and be brutally frank when I share these. Marriage is a huge commitment. It is usually a commitment for life. You and your wife will be around the same age group. Your parents are older, and given the regular course of life, after their death, you will be with your wife. So your compatibility with your wife matters more than how compatible your parents are with your wife.

Women are not robots that are operated at the will of their in-laws’ whims and fancies. Marriage should be about freedom and not about being confined in any form mentally or physically.

You cannot legally and should not morally force anyone to follow what your parents wish for. You are marrying your partner. You both should decide what practices you follow as a couple and she and only she should be the one deciding about her bodily processes and what customs she chooses to follow.

Marry when you can stand up for yourself independently.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. Your wife will be a person with a mind of her own

‘I Had a Threesome With My Husband and His Friend’

Dear Rainbowman,

Long story, I will try and summarise it. My husband and his friend had sex with me. This is my husband’s best friend whose wife had died in an accident and he was very very low. My husband invited him to stay with us and we ended up having a threesome. This did not happen without my consent. When my husband’s friend was crying on my lap, my husband whispered that I can have sex to soothe him, if I wanted and in moments all 3 of us were having sex. I am sorry that you may think I am a horrible person. But I just feel like sharing and I am stuck. It started with my husband’s friend starting to cuddle me. I somehow now feel all of this was coordinated by my husband – all three. I don’t know how I should deal with it.

Girl Interrupted

Dear Girl Interrupted,

Thank you so much for trusting me with what’s bothering you.

I will not pass a moral judgement on you for having a threesome. Who you have sex with and with how many, doesn’t make you a good or a bad person. So please don’t beat yourself up with this guilt.

Any sex should involve consent that is absolute, continuous and of all people involved.

The question is, was your consent absolute? Did you consent just because your husband told you it was okay or did you consent because you wanted to – that’s something that you should deliberate on.

I’d suggest that you have an honest conversation with your husband about this. See what he has to say.

We should not hesitate in seeking the assistance of a mental health professional if we get stuck in a situation where we cannot make sense of the situation.

If there are feelings of guilt, shame or other feelings, please share them with the mental health professional you trust.

Things will get better.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. Clarity resolves issues.

‘Can Eating Noodles Make Me Impotent?’

Dear Rainbowman,

Will eating Noodles make me impotent? I heard it affects sperm-count is it true that I will not be a father ever if I eat noodles?

Noodle Boy

Dear Noodle Boy,

I don’t know what you read where. But no, there is nothing that I have read that substantiates your hypothesis that noodles causes impotency or affects sperm count.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. Read science, not fiction

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)