Sexolve 232 : Should I Leave My Husband for My Girlfriend?
“When you force hearts to stay against their will, they rebel,” writes Harish Iyer.
(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As are below:
Should I Leave My Husband for My Girlfriend?
I am a 28 years old woman from a small town in Tamil Nadu. I was scared to write this email pardon me if I don’t come across as clear. I have not been exposed to life in a city. I am engaged with a girl for the past 7 years. We went to the same school, the same college, same, professional course, we have always done everything together. Three years back she travelled to Canada for a professional assignment and she has been asking me to come over too. We were in constant touch over the phone. She also paid a visit to my home and took me for a small vacation to Canada. Everything was alright. However, I was growing old and so was the pressure of getting married. When she left, I felt lonely and thought I should somehow find a guy. Therefore, I fell in love with a guy and one thing led to another and before I could realise, I am now married to him and also am the mother of twin children. Now the problem is – my husband got to know about my affair with the girl through our email exchanges. Like a fool, I left those emails open on his laptop and though he didn’t investigate, pictures of mine and my girlfriend kissing each other in an intimate way on my email gave it away. My husband had an argument with me and told me and my girlfriend “you guys be happy, I am willing to take a mutual divorce”. He has also agreed to give the custody of the children to me. The problem is that I know my husband loves me and I love my husband too. I cannot leave him because no one in my family has ever been divorced and it will be a great prestige issue for my family. I can go to Canada and my girlfriend is willing to take me there and find me a job and look after our children as well. But it is all very scary. My life is not a thriller film. What should I do?
Dear Sadah Suhaagan
Thank you so much for writing in. I acknowledge your courage. I understand that it takes courage to speak up to an absolute stranger about something that’s private.
I am glad that you found love. Not once, but twice.
Sometimes the excess becomes an issue because life brings us to a point where one has to decide who is the ex and who is the now.
You have to make that decision. I should say that your husband comes across as a logical and kind man who values your decision. He is wise enough to understand some basic facts of life.
When you force hearts to stay against their will, they rebel.
You have a few questions to ask yourself – am I living with a man just because the world wants me to? Am I going to be happy being away from my female love of life? I am a mother, but am I only a mother? Don’t mothers have desires other than fulfilling their maternal instincts? And most importantly, is it worthwhile to live a life where you are pleasing the society? Is the fear of “log kyaa kaheinge” going to dictate how you lead your life?
Life is not always easy. You cant always have the cake and eat it too. Sometimes life gets us to a point where we have to make critical decisions.
Understand that this decision may define your future. So, think deeply, not about what people want from you, but about what you want from life.
These decisions have to be taken by you and you alone. I can just tell you that you don’t have to stay with your husband just because no one in your family has divorced. Divorce is not something that’s a bad omen. Staying put in a place where you have no heart, is a bad omen. If you stay longer just because you are afraid of people’s reactions, it may not turn out to be a nice relationship between you and your husband other.
No one can express true love with societal compulsion and expectation; people can only have true love because they truly love.
Let your decision be based not on what others will have to say about your life, let it be based on what you want from your life.
Your husband is willing to give you the custody of the children. But what do you want? The children are your and your husband’s responsibility. Check on both of your expectations regarding them, if you so decide to move out.
P.S. kuch toh log kaheinge, logon ka kaam hai kehna
I Am Sexually and Emotionally Attracted to My Colleague
I am a 37-year-old man and I am very involved with a man, though not engaged, of my age in my office. We both had a fling long before and I had no clue that we will meet each other in the same office after so many years. These days, I feel a lot of sexual tension when he is around me. He wears tight pants with his erection quite visible. He comes close to me and accidentally touches me. I feel too aroused. Last week he broke the ice and told me that he wants to have a sexual relationship with me. The problem is that though everyone in my office knows that I am gay, I don’t want to lose my job because we both are boning each other. I am really tensed. I think I am developing feelings for him. I know I have only a few years to live, I am already 37. I don’t want to live these years in tension. Could you please help me?
Dear Office-ially Gay,
Thank you for writing in.
The word “already” as a prefix to 37 caught my attention. Age is just a number. I know people who are 23 and have had break ups and I know people who found love at 45 and 55. So when you get hitched, you get hitched and it can be at any age, you just have to find the person who is interesting enough to invest your heart and time.
Regarding your office - firstly, let me thank you for living your truth at work. Every out at work individual gives courage to another person to come out.
Now coming to your crush/date/future probable affair – personally, I feel one could fall in love with anyone, and one shouldn’t be penalised for that. However, I do get the point when corporates say that when people start having relationships within the group, it sometimes strong biases and favouritism creeps in.
Does your love interest report to you or do you report to him? Is he in a different group? Does your daily work require you to work with each other on crucial business decisions? Will you in anyway be responsible for his appraisal or he for yours?
Most corporates have some rules regarding couples in the same group. They may not be bothered about your love life per se, but they will be bothered if bias and favouritism creeps in. Find out from your HR what your company policies are. Find out if there are couples – heterosexual or homosexual, who are within your organisation and how they conduct their love affairs at work.
Also, be sure that nothing in your relationship with your colleague gets misconstrued as sexual favours or misconduct. Ensure there is consent, if possible, consent that is recorded on voice or text – that can be provided as evidence if ever it gets there. Whoever is in a bigger position between you both, one shouldn’t come across as exploitative.
P.S. Quite frankly, if my office is restrictive to my expression of love, I will find another job.
Does Sex Between Thin People Create a Lot of Noise?
Have a kind of strange question – please don’t laugh. When thin people who have bones and less flesh have sex does it make a lot of noise? Asking because I am thin and I am dating someone who is thin. My friend made a skeleton on tin joke… you know the joke?
Dear Patli Kamar,
Thank you for writing in. What is this so called Joke? Makes me curious!
“Two skeletons making love on a tin roof make a lot of noise? “ – is that the supposed “joke” that you are referring to. Irrespective, there is a thin line of sensitivity that divides jokes and bullying. It depends on your proximity with the person who is making the joke and how you interpret it.
To answer your question, I have read nothing about the body type of the person influencing noise levels.
Don’t let people’s judgements and jokes about your body types influence your understanding of your own body.
Love who you want. Make love to the person you want. Just ensure that they are consenting adults. Rest all are judgements and opinions.
P.S. let me also share one - “Judgements and Opinions are like as@!oles, everyone has one”
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)
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