Sexolve 234: My Boyfriend Cries After an Orgasm
“It is not rude to look out for yourself ”writes Harish Iyer in this week’s Sexolve.
Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As are below:
‘My Boyfriend Cries After an Orgasm.’
I am a 24-year-old girl in a relationship since the past 4 years. We know each other quite well. My boyfriend cries every time he has an orgasm. Is this normal or is he just emotionally damaged? What can I do to make him stop crying? It is very off-putting! He turns into a real child and behaves weirdly. It’s almost like I am his husband. This might lead us to a breakup. Please help. I don’t want to be his mother. I don’t want to be his counsellor. I have not signed up for this. Please help. Am I an evil person?
Thank you for writing in. To love is beautiful. To be loved back, even better. But love is not easy. Love needs a great deal of empathy and an incredible amount of kindness.
I am glad that you are able to articulate what you don’t want from this relationship, I am thinking it’s time that you are also get clearer about what you want.
You are not evil when you say that you don’t want to be his counsellor or his mother. It is a responsibility, I understand, but you can choose to not take it up. Please don’t burden yourself when you don’t want to be burdened.
Your boyfriend needs empathy. You don’t need to be rude to him. But I suggest that you are clear about the fact that he needs to seek help. Maybe, you could assist him by helping him find a counsellor for himself and also take him for one or two sessions.
Being honest with him is a choice you should make. This relationship is a choice that you and he have to make together. And taking care of his mental health is a choice that he needs to make. You can guide him to seeking help but you can choose to not be his mental health counsellor.
If they value relationships and they want relationships to succeed, they would need to take responsibility of their mental health.
It is not rude to look out for yourself. You could be honest, without being rude. Tell him you don’t know how to deal with his outbursts of emotions and that he needs to take accountability of the fact that it is affecting your perceptions and the way you see him and the relationship. Don’t make it seem like an allegation, make it a discussion.
P.S. kindness even while being truthful is the key.
My Partner Washes Her Mouth After Giving Me a Blowjob
I am a 32-year-old man happily married for the past 4 years. We have a very good sexual relationship, but there is an issue. Every time I want a blow job, my wife makes me wash my penis with soap and water. After she is done sucking me, she goes and brushes her teeth. Does she not love me? Does she doubt me? Does she think I am dirty? Why does she do this?
Dear Hubby Jaan,
Thank you so much for writing in. I am glad that you and your partner share a sexual relationship that you describe as good. I hope she has the same opinion about the sexual relationship.
Your wife is concerned about hygiene. And she is right – it is good to be hygienic especially about things that one let’s enter their mouth.
Oral hygiene is of importance.
One should appreciate it rather than being upset about it. In fact, next time, don’t wait for her to tell you to wash your penis, do it yourself.
P.S. healthy sex is good sex.
I Don’t Know Where I Can Find Decent Gay Men
I am a gay man of 29 years of age. I hate it that everyone wants sex. I don’t know where I can find decent gay men who are not interested in my body but my soul. Can you help me?
Dear Worried Gay Guy,
Thank you for writing in.
There are many queer groups on social media. On Facebook, there are hundreds of queer groups based on geography, profession, hobbies and other things. I’d suggest that you go into these groups and chat up with people and find out if something or someone interests you.
Sex doesn’t have to be a bad thing. But then, we all want different things from relationships
Give yourself the pleasure of knowing more types of queer men. Maybe, somewhere in them, you will find your type too.
P.S. Things get better. Keep the faith.
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)
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