Sexolve 235: ‘My Parents Started Avoiding Me After I Came Out’
“Sometimes, when children come out of the closet, parents get inside a closet,” writes Harish Iyer.
(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As are below:
‘My Wife Penetrated Me With a Dildo’
Greetings. I have been reading your sexolves since quite some time and slowly, I mustered the courage to write to you myself. The issue is that it was my girlfriend's birthday and she wanted to try something new. So she wore a strap on a dildo and went inside me from behind. I really liked it. Does that mean I'm becoming gay? I don’t know if I sound crazy to you, but hope you don’t laugh.
Dear Confused Love,
Thank you for writing in. Let me assure you, your questions are real, and not funny. You don’t sound crazy to me at all. In fact, I’m grateful for your courage to write to me, a stranger, despite your apprehensions.
It might help you to understand that you are not alone.
Many cis men prefer anal pleasures. And no, all of them are not Queer.
I understand that we believe that there is some manual to sex between partners – the truth is that there is none. Every couple explores the way they want to explore. And not all of them believe that peno-vaginal sex or oral sex are the only ways to pleasure each other.
How your sexuality is defined is only your prerogative. But you cannot “become gay”, You are either gay, or you are not.
You could identify as heterosexual and still like anal sex just as you could identify gay and still like breasts. You may or may not want to define who you are depending on your pleasures.
Usually, enjoying anal pleasures with a woman with a dildo, isn’t seen as gay. You are gay when you think of men, spending time with them, think of making love to them. You haven’t mentioned anything to that effect here.
Let these thoughts not come in the way of your consensual pleasures.
P.S. Get the dildo cleaned regularly though.
‘My Husband Wants Foreign Type Sex’
There is an issue with my husband. My husband was educated abroad and he wants to do foreign-type sex. Yesterday, he said he wants to "eat my @$$". I said no because it is unhygienic. Is it normal? Why does he want to do that? Also, what happens if I want to pass gas or stool. I am a little worried. Please help.
Dear Desi Girl,
Thank you for writing in. Let me share a few things.
Anal sex is not foreign. The Kamasutra has many mentions of it.
There are many men, women, intersex and trans persons in India who enjoy the pleasure of anal sex. However, it is completely okay if you don’t like it at all. Feel no pressure, just because your husband likes it. You should do it only because you want to do it. And understand that your consent should be continuous and that you can withdraw it at any moment even during the act.
If you are generous with your consent, your husband needs to be generous with his patience. You may take time to ease yourself into this process.
Regarding your concerns about passing gas or stool. Yes, there is a possibility of such ‘accidents’. That’s why it’s nice if we could clear off the stomach and also keep a clean anus. Not a bad idea to try hygienic rectal douching.
Again, I would reiterate. It may take time to get used to the idea of anal pleasures when we are moving from apprehension to consent. Patience is key.
P.S. Consent is key.
‘My Parents Started Avoiding Me After I Came Out to Them’
I am worried. Really worried. I have parents who know about my sexuality and they have gone silent. They say they have accepted me but they are so quiet all the time. Feels like something has changed in them after they got to know about my sexuality. I feel very bad when I look at their questioning faces. They don’t stop me from anything, they don’t comment on anything. But they don’t express joy. They are poker-faced all the time. We used to discuss what happened in the day while watching TV together in the evening. Now, they’ve got themselves a TV for their own room. Things are changing. It is worrying. They are avoiding me after my coming out. I don’t know if they are feeling miserable that I am not the good son they thought I was anymore? I don’t know if they feel that I am not going to marry any woman anytime ever? I don’t know what’s happening to them and what’s happening in them. I am worried. Really worried. Please help.
Dear Worried Son,
While this journey is personal, it is also relatable with many queer persons in the world. I understand that you feel lonely and puzzled. We often rehearse the reaction in our head.
However, parents cannot accept their children the way the children want them to accept. Parents can only accept their children the way they want to accept.
I hear you. I am with you. The question is - who is with them?
Sometimes, when children come out of the closet, parents get inside a closet.
Many who accept their children the way they are also are puzzled about how they should react to this news.
We often learn from each other’s experiences. We feel comfortable to meet people who are sailing in the same boat. I know of many parents who have never known of another parent of a queer child. It could feel very lonely.
Let’s not second guess what’s going in their minds. Let’s instead be patient with them till they ease themselves to the truth of our lives.
Many queer children take months and years to come out to themselves. The journey to self-identification is long and sometimes never-ending. Yet, most of us reach a point where we understand and celebrate the truths of our lives.
The point is – when we ourselves take time to self identify, is it justified that we expect our parents to understand us the moment we tell them?
There is a support group for parents of LGBTQ by parents of LGBTQ. It is called Sweekar.
Break the ice. Broach the topic with your parents. Ask them if they would like to speak to fellow parents. And if they consent - You could check the page ask them to join in. Again, don’t force them. Usually, it helps when we know there are others like us who have had their apprehensions, but have come to the point of acceptance.
P.S. let love be the only force.
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)
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