Sexolve 236: ‘My Wife Wants Me to Be Exciting in Bed, I’m Vanilla’
“You are absolutely entitled to not have sex when you don’t want to have sex.”
(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to email@example.com.
This week’s Q&As are below:
I Don’t Like Being the Small Spoon
I am a 27-year-old man. My partner is 27 too. We both are madly in love with each other. The issue is that my partner is taller and while spooning in the night its kind of irritating that every time my partner ends up being the big spoon. I am always the smaller spoon. If you know what I mean. Psychologically, I feel my partner is protecting me and I want to protect my partner too. I don’t think my partner likes that much. I feel frustrated being the small spoon always. I feel awful that I am discussing this, it is such a small issue… but how do I make things better?
Thank you for writing in.
It feels nice when we have someone to cuddle with. Someone who gives us a sense of comfort in the relationship.
However, it’s important to note that not everyone wants to be protected or comforted, some may want to protect and comfort too. It is healthy to have a regular swing in these positions, especially if it bothers either of the partners.
It is important to address the issue before it spirals up into something else that you didn’t anticipate. Tensions, however small they may seem, need to be addressed.
Speak to your partner. Sit next to them in a non-romantic moment and ask them why they wouldn’t allow you to spoon them. Ask if there are specific concerns. Tell them your wants and desires.
Romance is an active art of communication and negotiation.
Keep sharing with your partner and keep seeking their inputs. Things will get clearer and possibly better.
P.S. I repeat communicate… negotiate.
My Wife Wants Innovation. I Am Vanilla
I have a problem. My wife wants me to have sex with her in different ways. She wants me to sit on top of her, enter her from behind, do something to her vagina with my tongue and many things.
She watches English films all the time and ends up thinking like actors in English films. I have cut the English paid film channels from my TV.
The problem is that I come home really tired. Even during lockdown, I didn’t find a single day of leave. She insists every damn time that I do something new and something nice. I am tired of trying to satisfy her. She forces me to do it anyways.
She sits on top of me and starts even when I am not interested. Why should I be working all the time for sex? Why cant she work too? And why does she make me feel bad every time? I don’t know. I don’t want her to think I am not man enough for her. I feel really bad that I am unable to satisfy her. I feel miserable when she tells me that she doesn’t orgasm because I am vanilla. I don’t know what to do to spice up and innovate as per her desires. Is there something wrong with me? How do I get better?
Dear Hubby Miyaa,
Thank you for writing in.
Sex is good when the partners are consenting and the consent is continuous without any interruptions. One could withdraw their consent anytime.
You are absolutely entitled to not have sex when you don’t want to have sex. It is your body and you decide about your desires not anyone else – not even your partner. Irrespective of the gender of your partner, no other person can assume control of your body other than yourself.
You shouldn’t feel pressurised to act on her desires. She has to understand you. Respect is a two-way street. You should communicate your feelings and desires, or the lack of it, with her. You don’t become less of a man, if you tell someone that you do not feel the urge for sex.
There is more to being a good partner than bed-satisfaction ratings. Speak to your wife. Explain to her that you are busy and tired. Go out on a vacation with her. Have a change of surroundings. Tell her frankly what your desires are, or the lack thereof.
Also, who gave you the idea that women are sexually creative just because they watch English films? Have you ever been to Khajuraho?
Women on top is not a foreign fantasy, it is an Indian reality. Don’t think by cutting off the connection of a channel, you will be able to curb a mountain of emotions that lie within a woman. Respect is a two-way street.
P.S. Male ego is toxic to men themselves
My Penis Is in Acute Position
My penis is always in 45 degrees laterally acute angled and doesn’t go obtuse at all. When erect or when down. It is all the same. I wonder how I can make it obtuse. Could you please help?
Regards, Geometry Baba
Dear Geometry Baba,
Thank you for sharing. I didn’t get your question clearly. Are you trying to tell me that you don’t get a satisfactory erection or that your penis faces the ground even when you get an erection?
Some penises have a mind of their own. Penises could tilt on either side or to the north or south. It may or may not actually be an issue so to say, one could tell only after a thorough physical examination.
I would suggest that you visit a sexologist for an examination where the doctor can examine it for themselves without the want of geometric terms to explain the situation.
P.S. Book an appointment – now.
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)
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