Sexolve 239: ‘My Girlfriends Are Stalkers’
“Share what you feel with your partners. Value honesty. Set your expectations right,” writes Harish Iyer.
(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As are below:
‘My Girlfriends Are Stalkers’
I have a peculiar problem. My friends call me a stalker magnet. I broke up with my 3rd girlfriend. Just as I broke up with my 2nd. We both loved each other, but just that things flipped off and I broke up with them before things ran south. We don’t really need to wait for hell to break loose to break up, right? The issue is that these girls never stopped loving me. They love me in ways I cannot explain in words. They have continued loving me. We have also had sex. Don’t get me wrong, I did not lie to them. I always reminded them that I am not in love with them even when we made love and sometimes even when we were at the brink of an orgasm. However, they end up knowing everything about me. They have scanned through my Instagram and every time I post something they quiz me about it. It kind of gets irritating. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to block them or something that will make them more miserable. I am not being philosophical, but love is beyond bodies or relationship statuses. Love is there even when the caterpillar turns into a butterfly, because deep within, it is the same soul and same heart that has captured love. I don’t want to say love changed me, even when our relationship status has changed. I want to help them deal with this. I somewhere feel responsible. I also feel stalked. Could you please help?
Dear Mr Stalker Alert,
Thank you so much for writing in.
I tried to understand what you are going through. Are you trying to tell me that you friendzoned your ex and had sex? Or are trying to tell me that you still are in a romantic relationship with your ex? These two are two different things. You may need to examine your feelings more deeply before you come to some conclusion.
You can be in love with more than two people at a time. Just that one needs to be truthful about this and clear about expectations from each other. So that no one is left hanging by the hook. Or feels cheated.
I am not validating stalking, but it is common that people look at the Instagram accounts of the people they are or were in a relationship with. If you are public about your affection with people and put it up on Instagram, people will read. And if it is a public account, all people will read. And some of them, would be past lovers or present lovers.
If you have a public account, the public will see it. I understand you don’t want to block anyone, but you could use the restrict option on Instagram. With that option, you would restrict your stories.
You don’t like blocking your exes? I can share two better options – honesty and expectation setting. Honestly, I have tried it, It works every time.
Tell your lovers what you feel about them. Tell them that it is sex with emotion, but it doesn’t mean that you are getting into a relationship with them. Tell them, that you would like you are seeing other people and sometimes would like to have sex with them. Set your expectations from them. Set their expectations from you.
Don’t beat around the bush. Deal with the issues upfront. Give your lovers, time and space to move on. Give them the space so that they know to grow minus you. Even if they come behind you, give them their lone space to deal with their issues themselves. Sexual wants, being one of them.
I am not the one who believes that sex with your ex is a bad thing. But, give it time, give it the space and distance it deserves. Hopefully, after a while, you and your lover will be able to look at the relationship with new light and will be able to value the sex, as an extension of friendship and not as romance.
However, that would take a lot of understanding and maturity between you and your lovers. It could be a bumpy ride. You just have to see for yourself, if that’s what you want. And if that’s something that your lover(s) want.
The onus is not just on you. It is on all of you.
Tell them what you feel. And when they tell you what they feel – listen to them.
To the naked eye, it waxes and it wanes, but in reality, as a whole, it remains. It never goes away. Love is like that – incredibly, moony. We shouldn’t forget that we are mortal beings, who believe what we see. Full moons don’t last forever. Even if they last forever, in the galaxy.
Contrary to you, I am being thoda-bohut philosophical. And tad too poetic.
So, be the sun. Be unwavering in your resolve to share the truth. Even if one may be scared that it will burn you, it also has the potential to gift you life.
Again, please share what you feel with your partners. Value honesty. Set your expectations right.
Give yourself time away from them without deserting them. Give them time to heal and time to believe that they don’t need you (or anybody) to get better.
P.S. Sometimes, watching from a distance is a form of loving too.
‘I Feel Awkward About a Black Mole on My White Testicles’
I have a big mole next to my testicles. My penis is white and so are my testicles, my mole is like an eye sore. One of my boyfriends actually thought that it is a weird STD. Some other boyfriend told me that it made him lose his erection. One of the lovers actually told me that he cannot give me a blowjob because he thinks that this black mole of mine is some disease that will get him AIDS. I am really worried. This is my birthmark of sorts. I am really feeling awkward. I end up compensating for this by being loving and kind and delaying sex all the time. Can you please help?
Dear Fair Man,
Thank you for writing in. I know it’s easy for me to sit here and tell you that you shouldn’t seek validity from your lovers.
If you could go to a physician or a plastic surgeon for advice, they may offer you a make-over. I will not advice you against it, it’s your body and these are your rules. But a question you need to ask yourself id - do you want a guy to love you and make love only because when you have no moles? How much would you modify yourself to fit into other’s idea of perfection?
Let me share my experience, instead of offering advice.
I have been through something in life that made me feel bad about my body. Things got uglier when I had boyfriends and lovers and bed-sharers who have said mean things about my body. I always wanted to be the perfect person, the perfect ‘type’, the perfect ‘pleaser in bed’. So I faked orgasms. I didn’t own up to what I felt – even if I felt sad and bad and insulted – I went back to them, because somewhere I thought it was a natural reaction to my body and that my body wasn’t worthy of love.
Until last year, when I found someone, who loved me and allowed me to make love to him and made love to me with no disgust and with absolute respect. Though we aren’t a couple today, we are definitely in a happier space.
I mean, there is kindness in this world. Kind people exist. Don’t let the bad behaviour of a few people dent your faith in true love.
Love deeply, but with your eyes open.
P.S. Love loves you in every form. Everything else is a passing cloud.
‘I Don’t Want to Be a 2021 Virgin’
I have been a virgin for 18 years of my life. I step into my 19th year in 2021. I don’t want to be a virgin anymore. My parents plus one older cousin tell me that I should wait until marriage. YUCK. How do I ensure that?
Dear Miss Deflower,
Thanks for writing in.
I know it could be tough to be left with thoughts and no action. I have been 18 sometime too and I know when friends get laid and they brag about it –it kind of makes us sometimes feel alone because we feel all alone.
I don’t want to sound all forty plus one in telling you that you will have to wait till marriage. I will rather tell you, that when it is time for getting deflowered, make sure, it is on your terms as much as your partner’s.
Go out. Meet new people. Understand what you like in yourself. Understand what you like in them. Go out.
When the time is right, the place is comfortable and safe, and the person is someone you respect and who respects you in return, let sex happen.
Remember to be safe. If your partner is male, make condoms a part of the story.
Good luck and lots of love.
P.S. Again, be safe even when you explore.
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)
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