Sexolve 241: ‘My Girlfriend Exploits Me’
“How much hurt will your heart be able to take until it confirms to the truth that it’s broken?” writes Harish Iyer.
(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As are below:
‘My Girlfriend Exploits Me’
I am in a fed-up mood right now. I am 22 and my girlfriend is exhibiting exploitative behaviour. She calls me when she needs something, but when she is alright and doesn’t need anything, I am practically non-existent for her. I deserve more. I know that. But I love her, I buy her things, I do things for her. Even when she is away from me, far far away. Before she tells me that she is feeling cold, I buy her winter warmers. I do everything and anything for her. I even washed her clothes when she and I lived together. However, things are very different now. She loiters with her friends, and suddenly stops speaking to me. She shouts at me and speaks rudely when she and I chat with each other. I try to do things again and again for her thinking that she will value me someday. However, she treats me like tissue paper – only to be used for clean-ups. I am really frustrated. I am very upset. Please help me… what should I do?
Dear Worried Hooman,
Thank you for writing in.
Sometimes we ourselves create the habit of being taken for a ride, by actually facilitating people to take us for a ride.
I know that you love her. I know you love her in many ways that are beautiful. But how much do you love yourself?
How much hurt will your heart be able to take until it confirms to the truth that it is broken?
You have done enough. Now, it is time for you to take a backseat and let destiny take love to whichever direction. If you think it may be difficult for you to withdraw completely, take a step backwards and look at the picture in entirety. For starters, rather than being available for her before she asks for it – wait for her to ask you.
We sometimes hand over the threads of our lives to others and then complain about being treated like puppets.
Does she treat you badly? Or do you let her treat you badly? These two are different questions and pondering on them will help you greatly.
Patience is a virtue. Endurance is a virtue. Stretch yourself if there is a deep intention to do so, but understand that there is a breaking point.
Don’t stretch yourself to a point of no return. Give yourself time and space.
P.S. love love love love love… love yourself more more and more and more.
‘I Am Concerned About the Discharge From My ‘Private’ Part’
I am a male teenager, but I am hoping you will respond, I have a peculiar problem with my private part. It spits too much every time in my dreams. I don’t know how to explain. Hope you get it. Sometimes my whole underwear becomes filled with spit and I feel shy putting my underwear in the washing machine. My parents live abroad and I live with my naana-naani. We have a maushi who puts it in the washing machine. I am scared that she will find out someday and question me. Is this spit or pus? Why do I get bad dreams before this comes out? I am very confused. I feel ashamed that I am asking such questions and feeling like this. Is there something wrong with me? Again, please don’t hide from me. Is this not spit but pus? Will I die? I am scared that Maushi will tell everybody in the building and my grandparents about what's happening with me. One of my friends, who I confessed to, told me to refer to this column, I didn’t understand what most of the things you have written here… but I am still writing to you, and hoping that you will respond. Pardon my too much curiosity… I really hope you do understand and reply. Please.
Young and Smart
Dear Young and Smart,
At the outset, thank you for writing to me. And also convey my thanks to your friend who guided you to me.
You are never too young and never too curious to learn about your bodily functions.
So chill-maadi, relax-kara and read on.
The name of the organ you referred to as your ‘private part’ is “penis”. More commonly, the sex of people with a visible external penis is Male. Penis is the organ through which pee or urine flows out. As we get older, most often, a few years before or during teenage, we start noticing some peculiar changes in our body. The bodies for most people become bigger, our voice shows some peculiar changes.
As we grow older, we should recognise that it is natural to have dreams of us liking someone, touching or kissing someone in a loving way or for that matter, someone loving, touching, or kissing us.
There needn’t be any shame or awkwardness for feeling such things. As we grow up, these feelings may intensify. Similarly, our penis may grow bigger, we develop hair in our armpits, around our penis and we also start noticing that there are times when our penis turns really hard. Sometimes, this hardness gets difficult to hide even if we are wearing an underwear. We may notice it bulging in our body and in other people who have a penis. This is, again, no cause for worry.
This may seem a little educative with a lot of terms. Hope you find it helpful.
We can notice that below our penis there is a sack. This sack is called “scrotum”. We can feel that the scrotum has two-ball like structures – these are called “testicles”. Testicles help in manufacturing a liquid that is sticky like sputum (spit). This liquid is called semen. The process when the semen comes out of our body is called ejaculation.
Each ejaculate of semen has thousands of sperms. Everyday thousands of sperms can be formed. They will have to find a way out of the body. When they don’t find a way out through deliberate removal through a process called “masturbation”, they find a way out, when we are fast asleep. It is a natural process.
Now, what is “masturbation”? When we shake our penis again and again along with parallel, thoughts/imagination of touching, feeling another human being, there is a point when our imagination gets intense and sperms erupt out of the penis.
And what’s the function of sperm? Sperm, that’s is produced in a male body when united with eggs that are produced in a female body, has the ability to make babies.
Now coming to feelings and emotions. These are not bad feelings or evil thoughts. These are felt by many people. These are natural.
It is important to note that one could intensely, emotionally, sexually have these feelings towards girls, towards boys or towards people regardless of what their body organs are. These are natural. It is also natural if you don’t feel intensely towards anybody.
Everything that exists in nature is natural. Your feelings are natural. Your body is natural. The sperm produced by your body is natural.
As we grow up, we may feel the urge to convert these thoughts of love and intimacy to reality with other human beings. When we do so, we should keep in mind that the other person should agree to it completely and continuously through the act. If they withdraw their consent or don’t consent at all, we should respect their stand.
I hope you understood. Don’t hesitate asking if you wish to know more. Have you tried speaking to your parents about these things? Maybe wise to check with them about it too. With the consent of your parents, you could also find websites that could help you understand your body and body processes better. If you have access to a psychologist, you could check with them as well.
P.S. Own your thoughts, train your actions.
Can You Set Me Up With a Sex Partner?
Can you connect me to a sex partner? Since you have many friends can you connect me to someone nice.
Dear Despo Man,
P.S. no yaa.. no.
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)
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