Sexolve 242: My Boyfriend Sexually Assaulted My Friend
“I am also a survivor of sexual assault and understand the vulnerabilities that any survivor could go through.”
(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to email@example.com.
This week’s Q&As are below:
My Husband Wear My Panties
I am a married woman of 30 years of age. I have been married for the past 4 years and my husband is around my age. We had a love marriage and we had made love many times before marriage. My husband is an experimenter (if you know what I mean). We have done things in every position, every place, every type of sex – dirty and vanilla, all of it. We never really had any barrier when it came to loving each other or showing any kind of affection. We were always close, really close with each other. But since one month we have not been able to do things right. And this new phase of being aloof began suddenly. I mean, I think our new house is a panauti. When we moved in, my husband's underwears were still in the packing, while my undergarments were unpacked. My husband wanted to go to work but was finding it difficult because of this. He doesn’t like going commando or even wearing boxers – so, you know, he wore my underwear to work. The same night he came back and told me that he loves the underwear and the way it feels and in a few days his entire wardrobe changed. He had my underwear as his regular innerwear. In the meantime, our sex life also dwindled. Now I get dreams of my husband transforming into a transgender. I think he is changing. Or is it a spirit like Akshay Kumar was possessed with in Laxmi Bomb. Is this the beginning of Catilyn Jenner. I don’t know, my mind is spinning and I think I will go mad.
Will my husband next come to me and tell me to call him by a female name? What’s happening? I hope you don’t start thinking that I am mad.
Dear Worried Wifey,
Thank you for writing to me. No, I am making no judgements about you. Be rest assured. Sometimes we do have moments in our life when we think deeply about issues that may seem trivial to the world. But who can tell a beating heart how it should beat, right?
The best ways to fight any of our doubts is through science and facts. So let me try sharing a few of them.
Transgender persons are people whose sex assigned at birth (the think that the nurse tells) and their gender (who they know they are) are incongruent or different from each other. For example, if the nurse looks at the genetelia of a child and says “Mubarak ho ladka hua hai” whereas the child grows up with the realisation that they are female, irrespective of what their genetelia looks like the person could identify themselves as a transgender female.
There is no way that you or anyone else could ever find out if someone identifies themselves as a transgender person. Only the person themselves could tell through self-identification.
Also, in my opinion, Akshay Kumar and the film Laxmii Bomb has done a world of evil to a community that has already been so badly ostracised. Please don’t use that horrendous film as a reference to transgenders. No, your husband has not been possessed by any transgender spirit.
Things get better when we address things for what they are, without any deep interpretation or assumption about it.
If your husband likes wearing your panties, it would mean that he likes wearing your panties. This may not really mean that he is a woman or anything in that direction. I know men who wear boxers, I know men who wear briefs, I know men who go commando and I know men who love female lingerie. Men are of all kinds. Different Men love underwears of different kinds.
I would suggest that you chat up with your husband. Don’t assume, discuss. And let your discussions not seem like allegations or judgements. Try understanding from him if he is stressed and if that’s the reason why he is not able to focus on sex as much as he used to before. Also understand, if he is willing to tell you, what his experiences of wearing female undergarments are.
Life gets better if we start loving people for who they are.
Have a healthy conversation with your partner. Things will get clearer and better.
P.S. Don’t worry so much
My Boyfriend Sexually Assaulted My Friend
I am in a mess. I discovered that my boyfriend forced himself on my male gay best friend a few years before we met. My boyfriend is not gay, not bisexual even, but he had a drunken moment with my best friend. I don’t know what to do. Should l dismiss this as a drunken mistake? If I do that, will I be letting my best friend down? Do I confront him and tell him that I know? Should I leave my boyfriend? Leaving my best friend is out of question. That will never happen. So what do I do? Please tell me.
Dear Girl Interrupted,
Thank you for writing in and thank you for standing up with your best friend and I should tell you that I respect you for not choosing the route of giving up on your friend for your boyfriend. Thank you.
I am also a survivor of sexual assault and understand vulnerabilities that any survivor could go through. I have spoken to over 8 lakh survivors and now can also understand that every survivor reacts differently and more importantly, uniquely to sexual assault,
Speak to your best friend. Believe him. Understand from him how he looks at the whole thing.
Survivors may be down, but they are not broken. They may be shaken but not totally incapable. They are people with the power and ability to channelize the energy of resilience for greater good of themselves and the world.
So if you love your best friend, check with him and gauge what your future actions should be. Also, ensure that you seek counselling. Ensure that your best friend gets counselling and I would also suggest that your boyfriend sees a counsellor.
All these revelations could be quite revolting. How you see your boyfriend may be impacted by this. Give yourself some space off him to decide independently how you wish to proceed further in this relationship.
P.S. Please visit a counsellor.
Should I Get a Boob Job?
My boyfriend wants me to have big boobs. I have small ones. I am thinking of getting a boob job for I fear our relationship will fail otherwise. Should I?
A Real Lover
Dear Real Lover,
Thank you for writing in.
I will leave you with some thoughts to ponder.
How much would you be willing to modify your body to be liked by someone else? And after all the modifications you make, will you still be hundred percent assured that the person would not want you to change any more?
You need to look at your life from your eyes and not from the lens of another.
Sometimes life transforms us. But sometimes we make changes to life to such an extent that we are incapable of recognising ourselves – neither who we are, nor who we become.
Be in touch with yourself. Love yourself more. Look at yourself from your lens not someone else.
To have a boob job or not is your decision. However, do whatever you do because you want to do it, and not because someone else wants you that way.
P.S. Be desirable to the person you see in your mirror.
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)
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