Sexolve 243: ‘My 13-Year-Old Son Loves Dressing Up Like a Woman’
“Gender, sexuality and gender expression are all as real and actual and natural as heteronomative constructs are.”
(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As are below:
‘My Husband Jerks off on Me’
I am a 32-year-old woman. My husband is a year younger than me. Ours was a love marriage. We never had sex before marriage and waited for the right moment to do it even after marriage. My husband and I both were virgins at the time of our marriage and we had sex only after two weeks of our marriage when we both were sure that we wanted it and consented to it completely. I therefore understand that am very privileged and respect my husband for waiting with me and not jumping on me on the first night itself. So I have immense… immense… immense… respect for him. That’s why I have always not forced him to do anything just because I wish so. My problem is that I don’t want to tell no to my husband but I feel incredibly dirty when he jerks off on me. He loves jerking off on my face or my breasts. I feel all sticky and gluey all day even after bathing. I feel awkward but I don’t want to tell him that as he has been a nice guy. How do I avoid without telling him?
Dear House Wifey,
Thank you for sharing. I am glad that you have found love in your marriage.
I am happy to read that you both gave each other time to adjust in the relationship before exploring sex. That’s the right way to do things. Just because people are married to each other doesn’t mean that the next moment they would be okay having sex with each other. It takes time and it’s wise to give each other that time.
Just as your husband waited for your consent, you waited for his too? So why do you value his wait more than yours? Also, why would you set the bar so low and celebrate your husband just because he didn’t have sex without your consent.
I understand that we live in a world where we read news of consent being violated. But we should strive to believe that there is goodness in the world and there are kind people too. We should not set our bars so low.
The best way to let your partner know that you don’t like something is to actually tell them personally in those many words. The act of letting your partner know - is not an act of insulting your partner, it’s an act of respecting yourself.
Tell him what you like and what you don’t like. Ideally you should be able to tell him what you dislike as is and he should be adult enough to respect that, but if you want to put it mildly, probably you could prompt him by asking him to cum in the bathroom instead
Consent has to be continuous. Here it is not. And your partner may have no clue of this because you have not told him that you dislike it. I suggest that you tell him frankly, so that you both could figure out other ways of pleasuring yourself together.
Good Luck J
P.S. Let’s not award men for following basic tenets of humanity. The bar shouldn’t be set so low.
‘My Son Loves Dressing Up Like a Woman’
My son is 15 and he loves dressing up like a woman sometimes. I saw him wearing his friends frock one day and he looked cute. As a single mom, I am wondering if this is because he has not had a father figure? Also, should I ask my son if he is a transgender? Am I at fault somewhere? Please help!
Dear Mommy Jaan,
Firstly, let me assure you that you are a concerned and a loving mother. Your child is gifted to have someone as a parent who wants to make it easier for your child.
Let’s first assume a child is hetronormative and heterosexual. Would we have blamed ourselves or tried to investigate reasons as to why and how the child turned out to be heteronormative and heterosexual?
The chances are that we would not delve too deep and will not get investigative about why and how our children turn out to be proud and out heteronormative heterosexuals. Gender, sexuality and gender expression are all as real and actual and natural as heteronomative constructs are.
Just as we don’t find out reasons why cis gender heterosexuals are cis gender heterosexuals, we should abstain from blaming ourselves when our children are non-heterosexual and non-heteronormative.
Now to the second part of your question about how you could broach the topic with your child and let your child feel more comfortable. I would suggest that you don’t make any assumptions. Only and only your child know if they are trying an outfit because they just like dressing up that way, or they actually identify as another gender. Making any assumptions would be counterproductive.
I suggest you sit down with your child one day and tell them about different genders, gender expression and sexualities. Speak in a very matter-of-factly scientific way, minus any prejudice or patronising attitude.
Tell your child that they could be whoever who they are and love whoever they love. They just have to be the truest and most authentic version of themselves.
You can never predict what your child is. You can only assure that you create the awareness and the ambience so that whoever they are they are within, they are able to externally express themselves too. Gender and sexuality is not a choice people make. It is who they are.
Don’t judge your upbringing for who they are. Applaud your upbringing for providing them with all that they need to be true to themselves – different, yet distinct and unique.
P.S. let’s not assume our child’s gender. Let’s wait to know from them what their gender is.
‘I Have a Lump in My Balls’
I have some lumps in my testicles. I feel they are heavy and it also causes pain. I have been applying ice to even it but it doesn’t work. Could you please suggest any remedy?
Dear Man Boy,
I am not a doctor and even if I was I would have been able to diagnose this without checking in person.
I urge you to please visit a doctor urgently and get your testicles physically examined.
Only a doctor would be able to say whether this is something minor that can be solved by some treatment or whether it requires further tests to rule out the onset of malignancy or other challenges.
Good Luck J
P.S. Please don’t delay your visit to the doctor. Quicker diagnosis is key.
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)
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