Sexolve 244: ‘I’m In Love With A Man As Old As My Dad’
I suggest that see a relationship counsellor and understand that engaging in damaging behaviour is self-defeating.
(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As are below:
“My Wife Masturbates Watching Porn, Doesn’t Have Sex ’’
My wife is not interested in having sex with me. However, she likes masturbating watching porn. This makes me think, maybe she is having sex with someone else when I am at work. I installed a camera in my house to monitor but I didn’t find someone coming inside the house. However, she goes out sometimes, maybe there she does something illegal?
I don’t know. I am not a bad person, I just don’t want to lose her.
Firstly, it’s not cool that you spy on anyone with a video camera. To put it mildly, this is definitely not socially acceptable behaviour. I suggest that you see a counsellor before this turns into something serious that adversely affects you.
A person could like watching porn and not want to have sex. Watchers and fantasisers are not always doers.
If you want to address your sex life with your wife, do so. Bring out your desires to her. Share with her, your doubts and see how you could take this further with her so that you both could have a satisfying relationship.
I suggest that you see a relationship counsellor and understand that engaging in damaging behaviour like stalking is self-defeating.
P.S. Conversations will make it better. Stalking will make it worse.
“I Spotted Pimples In My Husband’s Penis’’
My husband has pimples in his d!ck. Is it an STD? Please tell me. I am really worried.
Dear Worried Wife,
A doctor would have to physically examine the alleged pimple to diagnose and suggest treatments. Suggest that your partner sees a doctor. One cant tell what it is without proper examination.
If I was in your place, I would have abstained from sex till I was sure that my partner doesn’t have an STD.
P.S. Go to a SKIN-SEX-VD specialist.
“Am In Love With A Man As Old As My Dad’’
Dear Rainbow Man,
I am a 22 year old man in a relationship with a 50 year old man. We both have been together for the past 5 years.
I have known him when I was 17, I also expressed my heart’s desire to him, but he told me that I should be 18 for us to talk about this or anything serious. We had sex on my 18th birthday as that’s what I asked for as a gift when he asked me what I wanted.
My boyfriend had been through many affairs before me. Most of his affairs were with people his age, some younger too, but no one with an age gap so huge. He is almost as old as my father. I am not “into” older men, per se. I am into him. He is someone I love for the person that he is and he has proved it over and over again. The problem I am facing is that he sometimes pushes me away and tells me that I have not experienced life and break ups and challenges and I may have problems one day when he is not around for I haven’t been through those hardships. I am out to my family about my sexuality but I am a little shy to tell them about my boyfriend considering the age factor. Also I don’t want anyone to blame him for influencing me. Otherwise my family is very supportive of my sexuality. I don’t like being told by my boyfriend that I should experience life. He loves me equally, perhaps more, but he always fears that I will leave him for someone younger. It irritates me sometimes and it has been a cause of many of our fights of late. Will I really find someone younger and leave him? Or will he eventually assume that I will leave him and leave me before that? This scares the shit out of me. He is my everything. I love him immensely.
He loves me immensely. I wonder why these thoughts bother him. How do I stop these train of thoughts?
Secondly, could you tell me how I could inform my mom and dad about my boyfriend and not have negative reactions from them? Please help me. We madly love each other.
Thank you for sharing such deep moments with me. I am so glad that your loved one waited to present you himself sexually only when you turned an adult. The way you describe him, he does come across as someone who is both thoughtful and kind. Convey my compliments to him.
Congratulations on finding someone who loves you. I have been there. I know how wonderful it feels to be in love. I also understand personally how it feels to have ambiguity about a future with the one you love.
To plan a future and contemplate about it is generally good, but in love, we often are guilty of putting too much effort into thinking about the future, at the cost of our present.
You are having a good time with him now. You may have to impress upon him that love is never stagnant, as time advances, people grow, love transforms, it takes different forms too.
If you ask me what could happen in the future. I would say “anything”. If you ask me “what is anything”, I would say “any possibility that you wish to give thought power to”
I have also fallen in love with adults much younger than me. I can relate to your partner on a personal note. At one point, is the fear of not being able to retain our youth, on the other is the fear of the young philandering. Sometimes there is also this overt concern that comes from comparing of experiences, concerns about curtailing the growth of the youngone, considering that at that age, the older person had many experiences regarding love. I know, these fears, I also know that these fears are sometimes unreasonable.
The young can be wise; the old can be young-at-heart and childlike. To quote a cliché - age is just a number. These traits are sometimes age independent.
Every relationship deserves a relook and realignment after every couple of years. It is good to look back and see how we wish to proceed further. Are there changes in thoughts, outlooks, practices that are needed to keep the steam on. There will be concerns that will emerge. There will be differences that you both would need to negotiate. The adage – love is blind is oft times true. The best is to actually get a relationship counsellor involved in the whole process as they can see what two people, madly in love, cant.
Regarding introducing your partner to your parents, I would suggest that you be prepared to give them time to fully understand your love. It is always better to acclimatise them to the idea before you actually introduce them to your boyfriend. Sometimes letting them know about him as a person would help in reducing the shock value and may foster the feeling of acceptance when you actually introduce him to your family.
Give it time. Give it your ears. And give it some effort and love will be there, for a long time and sometimes, till the end of our times too
P.S. Love wins.
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