Sexolve 248: ‘I Didn’t Cheat, I Slipped’
“Acceptance and an honest confession is the first step towards recovery from the hurt we cause,” writes Iyer.
(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to email@example.com.
This week’s Q&As are below:
‘I Am Not Romantic’
I am a 29-year-old man who is a really really bad romantic. I just don’t understand romance. I don’t know how to react when anyone makes a pass at me. I am told that I am relatively good looking and that is what interests both men and women. I am interested in some men and women too. However I don’t know how to react when they come close to me. I have absolutely no clue. So last night my very close friend, who had the hots for me, came close, as though, he would kiss me. I didn’t wait delicately, I just kissed him back and rolled him down to perform oral on me. I just wanted to get to the act. He rather, got angry and left. But he left only after giving me the complete blowjob. Now, if he wasn’t really interested in me, why did he wait till the complete blowjob. I am not sounding like some third grade person, I hope. But I just don’t know how to romance. Two weeks back I had a woman who did the same. She came to feel my hair. I simply asked her if she would like me to eat her pussy and told her that I would love her to eat me too. I just said that and she got up crying and left. I am realty upset, but I did nothing wrong. I mean, I was being honest. Would she have liked me to fake it? I just don’t know what to do! Please help. I want to improve.
Dear Bad Romance,
Thank you for writing in. I know many times we hide behind layers of shyness and awkwardness and do not speak about our challenges. You spoke and that’s a good thing.
Firstly, we need to understand that we all are made differently. Some of us are romantic, some of us are not. Some of us believe in foreplay, some of us like to get to intercourse. There is nothing wrong at that.
Nothing is wrong in wanting to have sexual intercourse as long as the person you are having sexual intercourse with is an adult, and gives their uninterrupted complete consent.
There needs to be clear communication of what one expects from their partner in terms of the sexual act. Your partners cannot read your mind and you shouldn’t expect them to read your mind either.
You will need to communicate what exactly you want and seek verbal consent from them without leaving anything for imagination.
Now, I guess that was lacking in this relationship you shared with the man and the woman. Tell them privately how you operate in bed and ask them if they will be okay with it. If they say yes, please carry on with consent at every stage. If they reply in the negative, please buzz off.
If it bothers you or you feel hurt, please visit a mental health professional.
P.S. Things can get better with clearer communication.
‘I Didn’t Cheat, I Slipped’
I cheated on my girlfriend. I lied to her. I was outside town I slept with another woman. It was just a fling. We were committed. My girlfriend and I were committed, so I thought I couldnt just do that and I did. I wonder why I did that. Did I do that because I was horny? NO! I did that because I was missing my girlfriend and wanted to feel her. So I tried it with someone else. When I was inside this woman, I was remembering my girlfriend. I thought I was making love to my girlfriend. This was my love for my girlfriend that I showed on another woman. I think it is justified, she doesn’t understand it. I don’t know how to make her understand that I didn’t cheat on her. I just want to do something because I was missing her so much. I cannot live without my girlfriend. I really cannot. I am not cheating. Please help me.
Dear Poor Despo,
What is your definition of cheating? To me, it is lying, cheating and keeping facts away from the one you love. Engaging in flings when you never agreed to an open relationship is the definition of cheating.
You are not showing love, when you are cheating. You aren’t remembering your love fondly when you are inside someone else. I could have said it in sweeter terms, but sometimes, we need to be served truth the way it is – one shouldn’t cheat and then make that into a favour, or a memory, instead of an apology.
I would suggest that you sit down with your girlfriend and tell her what you did. Don’t end every statement with a “but I did it because I loved you”. You strayed from the fact that you had a committed relationship with your girlfriend.
Acceptance and an honest confession is the first step towards recovery from the hurt we cause.
Whether your girlfriend accepts your confession or not, is her prerogative. But for your own heart, don’t lace your apologies with a dash of arrogance.
When there is a “but” or a “because” in an apology, it becomes a justification.
If you accept that you have done wrong. Tell her so without a “but” or a “because” and give her time to breathe in what you confessed.
Guilt without the intent to correction is a wasteful emotion.
Let this guilt drive you to make things better for yourself. Don’t dwell in the guilt and don’t deal with this alone. Visit a mental health professional who can help you navigate through this path. Things can get better, if we learn from them.
P.S. Speak to her
‘I Have Small Breasts’
I have small boobs which make me look like a man. I heard some boys in my class telling each other that f@cking me would be like f@cking a dude. I want to know how can I get bigger boobs? What should I do? I want their love.
Dear Worried Girl
Thank you for writing in.
The boy talk you heard doesn’t define you. You don’t have to go on changing your body to fit into their idea of feminine.
How often will you change yourself? How much will you change yourself to fit into their idea of desirable?
We need people to love us and make love to us the way we are. If we change ourselves to win their love, they are actually falling in love with the changed person, not us.
If you want bigger breasts – its your body, you can go to a plastic surgeon and check with them about the costs and procedures, but that decision should be taken more because you want it and not because you want to fit into someone elses idea of how breasts should be.
Please seek counselling. Speak to a therapist and open your heart. It helps.
P.S. Love yourself.
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)
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