Sexolve 252: Block or Mute, Which is Better?

(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality, or your relationship, and need some advice, answers, or just someone to hear you out – write to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop-in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As are below:

Dear RainbowMan,

I have been in a relationship with another guy for the past 17 years. We have been madly, deeply, in love with each other. There is not an ounce of doubt that I have in my partner.

Even at a time when we hardly spoke about gay marriage, we were like a married couple. We were not out to the world as a gay couple, we were two best friends who live together.

Its been many many years. My partner was always loving and kind and contrary to the popular gay stereotype, we never ever strayed. We were always together, much in love, always looking for each other always caring and taking care of each other.

However, we have a secret that is buried in our hearts. My husband and I have never had anal intercourse.

We both have been together just giving each other handjobs for the past 17 years. We both experimented with oral sex last year. And I think it was a mistake, because after that my husband wanted to go all over with it.

He kissed me all over one night and gave me a blowjob and slowly inserted his finger inside my bum. I wouldn’t say I didn’t like it, but I was happy without it.

Soon, he behaved rough with me and tried to push his penis inside my bum. I liked it. But then I read some pieces where this was seen as non consensual sex.

So, does this mean that I was raped?

Also, it was good as an experiment once, but I don’t want to do this again and again. I don’t want to have this dirty sex again. Maybe, once in a blue moon it is fine… but I don’t want this to happen again and again every night.

I told that clearly to my husband, and now he was asking me if it is okay for him to go out and have it. When I told him that I am shocked, he told me that he was joking.

I wonder if this is the beginning of the end of our marriage. I am very worried. We need a resolution.

Since you are gay too, maybe you will be able to understand. Have you been in a long relationship? Does this happen always? Will he stray and then leave me? This is a very bad thing that is happening to me and us. I am feeling very very insecure. Please help me.

Worried Gay Man

Dear Family,

Thank you so much for your trust. And thank you for standing up for your love, at a time when it wasn’t a norm to do so. Irrespective of what you called yourselves – a couple, best friends or whatsoever, one has to acknowledge that you didn’t give in to the forces that would have wanted you and your husband to be like everyone else.

To stand up for love that’s different, at a time where your love could be seen as a sin by some, is a courageous act.

We owe a ton of gratitude for those who held the torch in private, or in public and kept their love afloat. Thank you.

Now coming to the specific issue you mentioned. Every couple has their own dynamics. They have their own specific interests in sex. And sometimes their interests and explorations develop over a period of time.

Let’s not weigh things on the scale of morality as good and bad or right or wrong. Let’s weigh it on the scale of what’s mutually acceptable and what’s not. This acknowledgement is the first step towards reaching any reconciliation.

Sit down with your husband and check what his desires are. Tell him quite frankly till what extent you are willing to go to and what not. Discuss frequencies of sex, the explorations and mutual desires. Explore your desires more too.

You have told me what he wants, what you don’t want, but its time that you find out what you want do you want in terms of sex. Don’t put your dislikes first and desires last. Unravel them. Share them. Explore them.

I know that there are stories of gay relationships failing, I am three failed relationships down too. That doesn’t mean, we start assuming that the next one will fail too.

If you have to make an example of something, why do we often scare people by making an example of failure but don’t influence people by making an example of the successes.

I would never understand that. But you are a success, and you will be a success. Discuss what’s acceptable, what’s not acceptable and let love lead your way. As a member of the community, I can tell you, that while there are many stories of people parting ways that are out in the open there are many in our midst who are celebrating their silver jubilees of love too. Yes, relationships go through ups and downs. But we can resolve issues in time so that we can make things better.

Smiles :)

RainbowMan

P.S. tonight – speak, listen, understand – resolve.

P.P.S. Love, wins.

MY MOM SAW MY BOYFRIENDS DI!K PICTURES IN MY PHONE

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 29 year old woman with a very overbearing mother. She wants to know about everything that is happening with me.

My mother and father divorced when I was a child, and ever since then, everything that happens in my life, even my first porn film and my first college crush is something that she keeps track of.

I had always thought that she is my friend, and was proud that I have a mother who is like a friend.

However, now I have found someone that my mother doesn’t approve of and she doesn’t want me to marry him or have sex with him.

She has lost faith in marriage and I still dream of marriage.

I end up fighting regularly. She looks at my phone all the time and when he sent me some naughty images of his, my mother sent him a rude kind of message. That was the most idiotic thing that she has done – she has seen my boyfriend’s penis on my phone. She didn’t stop at that… she also told me that he will not be able to satisfy me as he is not long enough. I know my mom is my friend and my mom looked after me and not discard me. But I am unable to believe that someone can be so intrusive. O shucks I am so embarrassed to write this also…. What should I do. I Do let me know.

Troubled Daughter

Dear Daughter,

Thank you for writing in. I know this wouldn’t have been easy for you to pen down these details. I acknowledge your courage.

I am glad that you recognise your mother’s efforts in looking after you. To be grateful is a great trait and we all should pause and say thank you in our minds and hearts and deeds as much as we verbalise it. Your mother looked after you. She ideally would have made that choice that she will when she conceived you.

She brought you up to be a strong woman. With strength should also come independence. What is the use of being strong when you can’t be independent.

She gave birth to you, she chose to take care of you, but she kept her umbilical cord attached. That needs to be cut. You are now a woman. A woman capable of taking your own decisions for yourself. While your mother has all the right to dissent and be upset and be dismissal about your love affairs and sex life, she has no right to be the authority to decide how you function.

You are an adult. And you and your mother need to draw boundaries. You both cannot share everything with each other. It is your prerogative to tell her what you want to tell her. It is her privilege and not a right to have information about your love or sex life.

Our mothers can all be very loving, yet they can be so wrong. Your mother’s concern and curiosity is okay, but her interference is not.

Have an open conversation with your mother. Draw these boundaries. Don’t fight with her. Tell her politely. Have a discussion and explain things to her. Reassure her that you don’t love her any less because you love someone else. It is not a marathon of love.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. Please please please...lock your phone. And only you should know the passcode.

BLOCK OR MUTE, WHICH IS BETTER?

Dear RainbowMan, I have been receiving a lot of incessant trolling from many homophobes on twitter. What should I do… should I block them… should I mute them… should I simply ignore them… or should I engage with them and enlighten them… what should I do.. what do you do?

Just Another Rahul

Dear Just Another Rahul,

Trolls are a part of the digital space. And if we are standing up for anything, including standing up for our own voice, we will somehow most probably (if not definitely) be trolled. The way you deal with them is up to you. It depends on how much time you have and how much patience you have. It also depends on your threshold – at what point does engaging with them make you feel dejected or anxious.

When we are on the heat of a debate.. I mute them, so that I don’t read them. A week or a month later, when the dust has settled, I go back and block them.

I do so because if I block them in the middle of a debate, they would tend to parade screenshots boasting that they are so important that I have blocked them.

Ignoring them would be best, but at some point if it bothers you in the back of your mind… then maybe, muting is a better option… or even blocking is good.

Don’t hesitate seeing a mental health professional if the toxicity gets to you.

Smiles

RainbowMan

P.S. I have been blocked by a certain Bollywood actress who is acting in a tamil superstar’s biopic, just because I expressed differing view. I have been resisting then temptation of posting a screenshot of that as a trophy.