Sexolve 117: ‘My Uncle Felt Me Up, He Supports Us Financially’

“If we don’t stand up for ourselves and stop sins against us, who will”, asks Harish Iyer in this week’s Sexolve.

Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to [e-mail].

This week’s Q&As below:

‘Despite Pain in My back, My Husband Only Wants Anal Sex’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 36-year-old woman, married for the past seven years. Ours was a love marriage. Believe me, I am really blessed to be married to such a loving, caring individual who puts his needs only after mine. We are like teenagers in love even at 36 and 39, even after almost two decades after teenage. We exchange poems, we write copious notes. Everything is good. Even sex is good. However, the challenge is that my husband is very inconsiderate while having sex. I wrote about all his good points before because I don’t want you to assume that he is rude. He is not. He is just unaware and therefore insensitive. I feel pain in my anal region and he doesn’t seem to care. He thinks it is pleasurable pain. He is just unaware, maybe that’s why he always has only anal sex with me despite me telling him it pains me A LOTTT! How do I get him to understand?

Confused Woman

Dear Confused Woman,

Thank you for trusting me with your intimate details. I really appreciate the love you have for your partner. In a world where relationships break up at the slightest of misunderstandings, you are going strong and that’s something really noteworthy.

With the same trust and belief, I appeal to you to speak to your husband a little more intimately and a little more sternly.

All of pain in sex is not pleasure. And it is only you who can measure what is pain and what is pleasure. Tell him that you do not enjoy anal sex.

I would suggest that you sit him down on a dining table and tell him frankly without any overwhelming emotions. A very business-like conversation. That will probably help him understand that you are being serious about it and not casual.

But if that’s not a method you would explore, then tell him in whichever way you think is best. Tell him that you love him and would love to explore other ways of lovemaking. Tell him with love, tell him with confidence and tell him frankly and sternly. Tell him in whatever way he would best understand, but tell him.

You are not doing him any good by bearing this silently. If he loves you, one day, he would hate it to learn that you were hurt by him.

Tell him.

Good Luck,
RainbowMan

P.S. True love stands the test of time.

‘My Uncle Felt Up My Breasts, He Supports Financially’

Dear RainbowMan,

I have been reading your posts and your column here and I am triggered enough to share something with you that I haven’t with anyone at all. I am an orphan and turned an adult recently. I was looked after by my uncle and aunt all through my childhood after I lost both my parents to a horrible car accident. I was just five then. My uncle and aunt looked after me like their own daughter. They never showed any difference between my cousin (their son) and me. They have done everything to ensure that I don’t feel awkward.

However, there is this one incident that left a scar in my childhood. When I was seven, my uncle had felt my chest up and kissed my nipples. I had almost forgotten about it, until recently when I was trying to get intimate with my boyfriend and the moment he it happened, I started getting a weird thought. It was as though I remembered something that I had almost forgotten. Does this happen? Did this really happen? I wondered for sometime. And while I was wondering, just yesterday, my uncle, came and slept next to me (like he does usually). He slid his hand inside my pyjamas, but made it feel like he is doing it in sleep. He is a nice guy, like my father. So, I don’t want to do anything legal. How do I tell him off?

Daughter

Dear Daughter,

First let me thank you for reading my columns.

Coming to your mail. Over time I have realised that one should not run away or deny one’s right to their pain. We own our joys, we should own our pain too. I will not lie, the pain of a challenging childhood remains forever, however, our response to the pain is what we could moderate so as to not let it affect us adversely. Sometimes, when we are pushed with too much pressure towards the ground, we propel back with equal vigour, much like a spring.

I understand you are 18 and financially dependent on your uncle and your father figure. I know it is easy for me to advocate from this end from your computer screen while you are living the experience in flesh and blood, and it is far from easy. But if we don’t stand up for ourselves, who will. If we don’t stop sins against us, who will.

Yes, it is absolutely normal for us to forget what happened in childhood with us and get the memory back when we are faced with something similar in adulthood. Especially in cases of child sexual abuse, it is way too common.

Do you have another adult at home who you can trust? Can you tell that person? A trusted adult will be of help if you would want to explore.

Or can you yourself, please tell him off? Tell him that you dislike being touched/ groped in anyway by him. Tell him that it is not “affection” to touch someone’s privates. And definitely not when the person is someone you are bringing up as your own child.

I would also recommend that you take counselling. You could go to government hospitals to avail the services personally at a very nominal rate. It would help you regain your confidence, that would have taken a beating because of this incident. You have legal recourse as well, however, I understand that you may not want to take that route now, considering that you are emotionally and financially dependent on him.

Work towards your independence - emotional and financial.

When it is time for the sparrow to grow into and adult and find it’s own path, it should leave the comfort of the nest.

Keep in touch. Let me know how it goes.

With you,
RainbowMan

P.S. EMPHASIS ON - Please do visit a counsellor.

‘I Want to Migrate to Canada, Will You Give Me a Letter Saying Conditions in India are Homphonic?’

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 19-year-old gay man from Jharkhand and am out of the closet. I have an understanding family. So, everything is good on that front, but it’s not the case with the rest of society. I have been bullied by relatives, by my friends and even random people. Meanwhile, I need to focus on my life and want to have a happy married life with a husband and adopted kids. I am sure Canada can give me those pleasures. I need help from you because I believe in you. I trust you that you will help me at this stage and help me get away to Canada. Can you help me get a letter stating that we have section 377 that makes our nation really homophobic, how do I become a queer refugee? Please.

Canada Dreams

Dear Canada Dreams,

Thank you for your flattering words and for sharing your struggles with me.

Section 377 is on its way out in our country. However, social prejudices will take some time to cure.

I understand that you love Canada for the main reason of the nation being welcoming to LGBTIQ persons. I love Canada too. I am a huge huge fan of Trudeau. You should know though that the grass is always greener on the other side. Every nation has its own set of challenges. If you are a minority in India, you will remain a minority in Canada too when it comes to your ethnicity and your sexual orientation. The challenges faced by minorities are life long. We need to constantly affirm our right to our bodies and our right to a life with dignity.

Changing nations will not change notions.

There are people who love and hate queer people everywhere.

I am someone who believes in a world sans boundaries and am not obsessively nationalistic about anything. Though there is no place in earth which is 100 percent safe for any minority. You need to know though that there are enough spaces in India that are a safer heaven.

It is not ethical to issue letters like that unless, of course, if one knows of a real threat to someone’s life where the person is targeted unfairly, continuously and ruthlessly.

The life you are living is the truth of approximately over one tenth to one seventh of the population of our nation which is not straight. We will need a new continent to fit in all of us, if it comes to that.

There are places in India. Ever visited Delhi, Mumbai, Kolkatta, Bangalore? Well, there are grassroot organisations and a thriving LGBTIQ culture in metros.

So, come to the city first. Become a part of the vibrant LGBT scene. We have an alternate family here, that is beyond our family of birth. Come, become us, with us.

Canada, well, I am sure you can enter the nation on your own merit. You could go there to study? Maybe? Visit Canada.ca for more details.

Love,
RainbowMan

P.S. You could find bullies anywhere and everywhere in the world. Let’s not change our home because of them.

(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to [e-mail].)

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)

(For more stories on sexual health, follow FIT)