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Sexolve 159: ‘I’m Addicted to Sex, How Do I Abstain From It?’

“We all have different levels of libido. Some of us feel the urge to have sex or bodily contact more than others.”

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Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.

If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to sexolve@thequint.com.

This week’s Q&A is below:

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‘How To Abstain From Sex for a Year?’

“We all have different levels of libido. Some of us feel the urge to have sex or bodily contact more than others.”
“I am a very horny man. I need to have sex every week else I feel very incomplete.”
(Photo courtesy: Unsplash.com)

Dear Rainbowman,

I am a very horny man. I need to have sex every week else I feel very incomplete. I have been judged for this. And even personally, I feel like it is an addiction I need to get rid of. However, I have taken an oath to not have sex for the next one whole year. Can you tell me if there is any medicine that I can eat that will help me stay committed to my oath of abstinence?

Horny Boy

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Dear Horny Boy,

Thank you for writing to me.

We all have different levels of libido. Some of us feel the urge to have sex or bodily contact more than others.

While, we all have big fat opinions and judgements about people, I firmly believe it is not anyone’s place to discriminate basis thoughts thoughts/judgements/opinions that may occur to us.

As long as it is sex between adults, is in private and has consent of all partners in the act, it shouldn’t be anyone’s business to comment. They can have opinions, they can make their own judgments but they better keep it to themselves.

I will not discriminate on the basis of your libido, rather I applaud you for realising that anything that becomes an addiction, is a routine that we need to break.

I am not qualified to prescribe medicines. I would request you to visit a general physician/psychiatrist/sexologist for the same.

I can tell you from experience that to break a routine it helps going after what you *heart* and going full throttle behind it.

While addictions are a painful cycle that we should break away from, healthy habits could be routines that we should champion and follow. Identify something that you love – maybe singing, dancing, trekking or anything else.

Regards,
RainbowMan

PS: Cut obsession and cultivate healthy habits.

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‘I Am in Love With a Girl 12 Years Younger to Me’

“We all have different levels of libido. Some of us feel the urge to have sex or bodily contact more than others.”
“I am in love with a girl 12 years younger to me. Will this relationship work?” 
(Photo: iStockphoto)

Dear RainbowMan,

I am in love with a girl 12 years younger to me. Will this relationship work? People say there are issues in such relationship with big age gap like maturity, compatibility issues, generation gap etc. Please help.

Thank you.

Lover Boy

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Dear Loverboy,

Love is abundant in this world, but it is also incredibly rare that we find the person we love, with whom our wavelength matches.

Congratulations on finding someone you love.

Age, sex, gender, sexuality, physical ability – all are irrelevant when we find that one-on-one connection with someone. So please don’t let anyone’s worldly prejudiced wisdom come in the way of the pride of love.

I have been in two proper love affairs, both with younger people one 9 years and the other 13 years younger than me. Both my relationships were strong when they lasted, and we broke up for other reasons- not because of the fact that we had an age gap.

The truth is that you could find love with someone your own age and assume that everything would work out just fine – but the truth is that you would find that special spark and that specific connection with anyone regardless of their age.

Yes, when you have an age gap, the couple would have to make an extra effort to not understand the other persons emotions, but also the other personas era to understand what are the experiences that shape the thoughts of the person. Like for instance, the younger group may not know the pleasure of waiting for a lover’s phone call on a fixed line. Similarly, the older lot may not automatically understand the idea of spending 350 rupees on a coffee when you can go to a food restaurant and have coffee for fifty bucks.

Don’t belittle the ability of your love or her ability to understand you. Speak about differences, understand common interests and work on them.

I believe, relationships break because of only one core reason – lack of trust and understanding. What is the guarantee that you would find understanding in a person of the same age bracket?

Smiles,
RainbowMan

PS: Love seems difficult sometimes, but love anyway.

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‘I’m Confused Between Two Men: Who Should I Choose?’

“We all have different levels of libido. Some of us feel the urge to have sex or bodily contact more than others.”
“I don’t know what I feel for both of them or who should I choose.”
(Photo: iStockphoto)

Dear RainbowMan,

I am a 26-year-old unmarried woman. I have a friend from past three years and we have been romantically involved but we were not in a relationship since we don't have a future. Let's call him A. He seemed very distant from quite some months so I started talking to my ex, let's call him B. My ex was in the city for a month so we had sex on multiple occasions. The time when I was talking to B and was getting physically involved with him, I thought things with A were over but A came back saying he was depressed and needed time. He is on pills now.

A is really close to my heart and is a gem of a person and B is a badass, highly sexual, but a respectful person.

Currently I am confused between A and B. A says he loves me and even though he knows what happened between me and B, he wants to be with me and B says it's completely friends with benefits (FWB). Since I have had a few failed relationships I am scared to put efforts in any relationship again.

To me. B seems to be an easy option, he supports me and respects me and is the kind of the guy who would make me more practical and 'world like' while A is a very emotional person and when I am with him, I am the boss so there's no scope for learning more.

I don't know what I feel for both of them or who should I choose. Please help.

Miss Two Minds

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Dear Miss Two Minds,

Thank you for writing in in such detail. I know the trappings of love and lust. Sometimes one leads the other, sometimes, the mind finds a new route.

It all depends, miss, on what you want from life. Put your love for yourself above your love for either of the two beings in your life. Take time to decide what you want from these relationships and see which one fits in best.

You have said very clearly that you broke up with A because you didn’t see a future with him. Then how did that change to “maybe” when he came back? It may be a good exercise to check if you are doing this out of concern for his mental illness and not because you love him?

You also said that he “accepted” you despite knowing that you and your ex (B) had a sexual thing happening. Again, who is anyone to accept you? Why do you give anyone the authority to “accept” or reject you.

Your actions deserve validation from no one, except yourself.

Also You did not make out with your ex when you were in a relationship with “A”. You did so when you had drifted apart. It was a period when you were single. So drain the guilt out.

You can fall in love multiple times in life. Let not the fact that you have failed in love before hold you back now from finding true love.

“A” might need help and understanding. Be with him. Give him the pleasure of your company. But maintain safe emotional distance until you figure out if you want a relationship with “A”.

In the case of “B” who is your ex, he clearly says that he sees you as an FWB (Friends with Benefits). If you are looking for something serious, you need to bear in mind that you cannot force someone into a relationship when they are looking for a ‘friend with benefits’.

For the time being id suggest that you take some time out to figure what you want. Your choice is not between person A and person B. your choice is between what you want from life and what you have in life. Give yourself time to figure that first. And then, see while you take time to figure that out. People who love you will wait for your decision.

For the time being, id suggest that you don’t say a YES to A. And check with B if he is only interested in a FWB or is he looking for love also.

Smiles,
RainbowMan

PS: You don’t need validation from anyone else.

(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to sexolve@thequint.com)

(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)

(At The Quint, we are answerable only to our audience. Play an active role in shaping our journalism by becoming a member. Because the truth is worth it.)

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